Saw the opera "Madam Butterfly" running for a limited edition at the London Coliseum. I have no idea how people shell out 70 quid for that! It was nothing but a pathetic Hindi film storyline that could be wrapped in 5 min, spread over 3 hours. It was visually spectacular and everything, and quite modern in presentation, but at the end I am glad I was paying only 10 quid, thanks to Manny arranging a staff rate. Overall, I liked the dramatic end, but the romance was nothing but a big yawn.
Tomorrow is going to be a hectic day before big day Monday, when I should get my schengen stamped! Finally, after 10 months of being in this country, it's a shame I hadn't got it done till now.
Pass by...
When the waking eyes are dreamless,
when the sunset came too soon,
you search inside for feelings,
you used them as festoon.
The calm inside is scary,
you like it being alone,
The calm inside is precious,
your heart and mind atone.
The days are passing by us,
the seasons flowing by,
we may or may not live our dreams,
we certainly bid goodbye.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Time flies
Time goes by... so slowly
time goes by... so slowly... so slowly... so slowly
I disagree with Madonna Auntie. Time just flies!
Gotta do so much, not even time to update my blog with all that...
First things first, gotta talk to my knee and tell it to get up and running quick.
Going for my first opera in ages tomorrow!
Life's good, relatively.
time goes by... so slowly... so slowly... so slowly
I disagree with Madonna Auntie. Time just flies!
Gotta do so much, not even time to update my blog with all that...
First things first, gotta talk to my knee and tell it to get up and running quick.
Going for my first opera in ages tomorrow!
Life's good, relatively.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Failing to achieve
Got some new books today, about politics, meditation, science/psychoanalysis and german :-) No more Indian authors this time...
Kept talking to Anu for more than a couple of hours, and also at home and now its evening already!
Get this feeling I haven't "achieved" what I wanted to... which mainly was some sick work I have to do as part of the "knowledge-building" activities my company encourages us to participate in. Boring Bull-shit.
The knee still hurts. But told folks at home today that it is all fine now, esp since mom goes into this high-pitch lament of how I have gone so far away and that she is unable to help me and comfort me, and that it gives her loads of mental tension thinking about all this. So no more problems discussed from now on, no more mental tension.
Haven't been able to make my mind about shifting out scenario as well. Saw Manny's flat and its location is really quite good. 4 min walk from London eye and South bank! You can't ask for a better location really. Then why didnt I say yes to him, well for one the amount exceeds my maximum budget by 22% and super maximum budget by 12%. And I didnt fall in love with the apartment - no balcony/garden, super tiny kitchen smelling of sea-food. I am still confused, waiting for the best choice to make itself obvious to me miraculously.
The 2 glasses of tempranillo have worked like a charm.
Time to go - clean the room, "achieve".
Kept talking to Anu for more than a couple of hours, and also at home and now its evening already!
Get this feeling I haven't "achieved" what I wanted to... which mainly was some sick work I have to do as part of the "knowledge-building" activities my company encourages us to participate in. Boring Bull-shit.
The knee still hurts. But told folks at home today that it is all fine now, esp since mom goes into this high-pitch lament of how I have gone so far away and that she is unable to help me and comfort me, and that it gives her loads of mental tension thinking about all this. So no more problems discussed from now on, no more mental tension.
Haven't been able to make my mind about shifting out scenario as well. Saw Manny's flat and its location is really quite good. 4 min walk from London eye and South bank! You can't ask for a better location really. Then why didnt I say yes to him, well for one the amount exceeds my maximum budget by 22% and super maximum budget by 12%. And I didnt fall in love with the apartment - no balcony/garden, super tiny kitchen smelling of sea-food. I am still confused, waiting for the best choice to make itself obvious to me miraculously.
The 2 glasses of tempranillo have worked like a charm.
Time to go - clean the room, "achieve".
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The Lost Boy
Got a comment that my posts are dead boring nowadays. Now Mr. M, leave this comment on the post rather than trying to make my gung-ho post a post every-so-often morale nose-dive over the phone. I am quite sure the number of readers here does not exceed my lucky number of 4 anyway.
Saw Priscilla - Queen of the desert and Juno today, nice ones both. Saw the Australian outback for the first time in a film I think, and both films had their funny moments.
Finished Anita Desai's novel as well. She made the character of the German Jew in Bombay so real, that I felt like a personal loss at the end of the novel when he died. "Pish-pash", a word I remember from the novel. A dish. It describes some of our lives quite well, I thought. Pish-pash, a mix of everything, and mostly nothing.
Its been weird, the last few weeks, months. Everything is a "maybe", desires are blurred and confusing and emotions are full-on high drama-gear, laughter, smiles, tears, misery, come and go with such furious intensity and rapid frequency, that things feel like a mess sometimes, again, Pish-pash. Exercising control over all this looks a complete necessity, yet feels unnatural.
So, it does finally make sense to me to look inside my spiritual self, as Anu has asked me so often to do. And, so I will. I feel an unusually shaky starter though, surprisingly, in terms of not knowing what to do, where to begin, with these doubts being larger than when I have started on other new paths. But then so is the search itself.
If only only 20% of my thoughts entered my mind at a time rather than the clutter that exists in it, I would have been much better off.
Saw Priscilla - Queen of the desert and Juno today, nice ones both. Saw the Australian outback for the first time in a film I think, and both films had their funny moments.
Finished Anita Desai's novel as well. She made the character of the German Jew in Bombay so real, that I felt like a personal loss at the end of the novel when he died. "Pish-pash", a word I remember from the novel. A dish. It describes some of our lives quite well, I thought. Pish-pash, a mix of everything, and mostly nothing.
Its been weird, the last few weeks, months. Everything is a "maybe", desires are blurred and confusing and emotions are full-on high drama-gear, laughter, smiles, tears, misery, come and go with such furious intensity and rapid frequency, that things feel like a mess sometimes, again, Pish-pash. Exercising control over all this looks a complete necessity, yet feels unnatural.
So, it does finally make sense to me to look inside my spiritual self, as Anu has asked me so often to do. And, so I will. I feel an unusually shaky starter though, surprisingly, in terms of not knowing what to do, where to begin, with these doubts being larger than when I have started on other new paths. But then so is the search itself.
If only only 20% of my thoughts entered my mind at a time rather than the clutter that exists in it, I would have been much better off.
Monday, January 14, 2008
More crazy
Ok another list.
Crazy things I feel like doing:
1. Feel a perfectly bald guy's head with my palm, humming a tune loudly (Gawd I saw the perfect candidate for this in the tube today, but couldn't gather the courage)
2. Sit on top and make a pony of my pet dog (yes I will have one one day), and hold its ears. (I know I will have to pretend I am sitting, else the poor thing will die, or worse bite me)
3. Do a sex course where they teach you how to be great at it, bring all sorts of dildos and sex toys and do demonstrations. (Oh my god, did I just do this day before yesterday in a lecture hall right in the middle of London university!!... uber cool)
4. Negotiate my way through a huge dark forested area at night, o gawd... it would be so terrific, that is, if I survive multiple heart-attacks caused by the sound of my own feet while walking on dry leaves.
5. Take a glider and jump off a cliff. Number 1.
6. Pick each house in my lane one by one, and peek into all their accessible windows for a fixed number of days each, and form a theory on the life of its inhabitants by what I see. And after I'm done, peek more where its worth peeking, if you know what I mean.
7. Buy all toy characters of the GI Joe variety, place them at various places in the house and then treat the whole place as their world, and create a mini series of their adventures, actually film it you know. Actually its not a bad idea! Umm...so that's where the toy story guys stole their idea from, my mind!
8. Go to office in drag. Hmm..., strangely exciting, this thought.
9. Invite all rude people I know (of all genders), and who I want revenge from for being nasty and mean, get them drugged and strip them naked, and cane their bu**. lol
Crazy things I feel like doing:
1. Feel a perfectly bald guy's head with my palm, humming a tune loudly (Gawd I saw the perfect candidate for this in the tube today, but couldn't gather the courage)
2. Sit on top and make a pony of my pet dog (yes I will have one one day), and hold its ears. (I know I will have to pretend I am sitting, else the poor thing will die, or worse bite me)
3. Do a sex course where they teach you how to be great at it, bring all sorts of dildos and sex toys and do demonstrations. (Oh my god, did I just do this day before yesterday in a lecture hall right in the middle of London university!!... uber cool)
4. Negotiate my way through a huge dark forested area at night, o gawd... it would be so terrific, that is, if I survive multiple heart-attacks caused by the sound of my own feet while walking on dry leaves.
5. Take a glider and jump off a cliff. Number 1.
6. Pick each house in my lane one by one, and peek into all their accessible windows for a fixed number of days each, and form a theory on the life of its inhabitants by what I see. And after I'm done, peek more where its worth peeking, if you know what I mean.
7. Buy all toy characters of the GI Joe variety, place them at various places in the house and then treat the whole place as their world, and create a mini series of their adventures, actually film it you know. Actually its not a bad idea! Umm...so that's where the toy story guys stole their idea from, my mind!
8. Go to office in drag. Hmm..., strangely exciting, this thought.
9. Invite all rude people I know (of all genders), and who I want revenge from for being nasty and mean, get them drugged and strip them naked, and cane their bu**. lol
Sitting at Home
I was watching Heroes all day yesterday. It is such a wasteful activity, but yet it is addictive. I decided not to resist the urge to watch episode after episode and finished the first season. Now, I can have a breather, and move on to other things (No, not the next season). Well, not the next season because the climax of the first was such a big let down, that if asked what was wrong with it, I wouldn't know where to start. Something that started dramatically, and had its brilliant edge-of-the-seat moments, huffed and puffed to a grinding halt in the finale.
Then, had a bout of the oh-what-is-my-life-supposed-to-be and oh-what-i-am-doing-with-it syndromes, but managed to lose it as soon as it started to get troublesome. There are things to do, and figuring out what are those that I really need to do is the first of them. But worrying about it should be definitely off the list. The starting point for me is to realise that I am OK as is. Even if there is no creativity, no material goal to achieve in mind, no definite plan of action, it is still the way it is. Perhaps it is much closer to the state of happiness than a life full of achievement and desires to carry the flag of achievement till you reach your death bed. And then, doing what I want to do, conquering laziness but building contentedness. Gosh, that’s a f***ing tough balance to achieve!
Then, had a bout of the oh-what-is-my-life-supposed-to-be and oh-what-i-am-doing-with-it syndromes, but managed to lose it as soon as it started to get troublesome. There are things to do, and figuring out what are those that I really need to do is the first of them. But worrying about it should be definitely off the list. The starting point for me is to realise that I am OK as is. Even if there is no creativity, no material goal to achieve in mind, no definite plan of action, it is still the way it is. Perhaps it is much closer to the state of happiness than a life full of achievement and desires to carry the flag of achievement till you reach your death bed. And then, doing what I want to do, conquering laziness but building contentedness. Gosh, that’s a f***ing tough balance to achieve!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Being nice
Being nice. Its not bad. Its rather nice to be nice actually.
But what about perpetual Mr. Nices like me? Who can't help but greet every mortal on this earth with a stupid smile; who can't help but agree that they see a point in most ideas of most people; who can't help but thrust their shoulder in front whenever anybody evenly remotely acquainted is looking for one to soak with their tears and who can find it most difficult thing in the world to openly criticize or belittle someone?
Well, then being nice can become equivalent to being an ass, as I continuously come across people who give me their piece of mind and their judgment and their rude remarks left, right and center knowing fully well that I am a nice (read weak, for them) guy. And nice guys aren't rude in return.
Only,... that I have now learnt to be. I give it back to them with the same (at times more) ferocity than they hurled it my way.
But I can't do it all the time. That's not what I am. When I decide to get rude or even curt with someone, that's not me, it is just a mask I have to wear in self-defense. And at times when I am not able to do it, I must not be upset about it, and I am learning that as well.
Plus, I shouldn't bother too much, coz even if they do think I am weak and incompetent, they do fall in love with me anyway.
But what about perpetual Mr. Nices like me? Who can't help but greet every mortal on this earth with a stupid smile; who can't help but agree that they see a point in most ideas of most people; who can't help but thrust their shoulder in front whenever anybody evenly remotely acquainted is looking for one to soak with their tears and who can find it most difficult thing in the world to openly criticize or belittle someone?
Well, then being nice can become equivalent to being an ass, as I continuously come across people who give me their piece of mind and their judgment and their rude remarks left, right and center knowing fully well that I am a nice (read weak, for them) guy. And nice guys aren't rude in return.
Only,... that I have now learnt to be. I give it back to them with the same (at times more) ferocity than they hurled it my way.
But I can't do it all the time. That's not what I am. When I decide to get rude or even curt with someone, that's not me, it is just a mask I have to wear in self-defense. And at times when I am not able to do it, I must not be upset about it, and I am learning that as well.
Plus, I shouldn't bother too much, coz even if they do think I am weak and incompetent, they do fall in love with me anyway.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Raking the memory bin
Most wonderful memories
1. Last year, at Wales, when we reached the cliffs, and I went Wow.
2. My birthday in 2005, awesome... whole new sensations during and after making love.
3. Feeling of being really popular, on being elected Finsoc prez at college after my speech, 2004
4. The boat ride on the lake in Udaipur with parents and bro, in great weather, and eating absolutely delicious sandwiches on the roadside after that, 1989
5. Quite a few memories from Bangalore - post-lunch walks, drunken chit-chat at home, night-outs, and more...
Ghastly memories:
1. Sitting crying in the rain for 2 hours, 2005
1. Paper cancellation in 3rd semester for no fault of mine on charges of cheating, 1998
2. Seeing all women of the house crying, seated in a line at the hospital, when my grandfather died, 1987
3. Children of the neighbourhood uniting to exclude me from the game, without specifying the reason that did not occur to me until much later, 1988
4. Hitting the lowest ebb ever in my school grades in the first term of class XII, 1996
5. Sitting and looking out from the window of our first floor flat feeling hopeless, for return of Mom and Dad, or of my little brother who was not back home from the video game shop even after dark. 1990
Plus couple of other faded memories from when I was a little child myself...
The past ten years have been quite better I'd say :-)
1. Last year, at Wales, when we reached the cliffs, and I went Wow.
2. My birthday in 2005, awesome... whole new sensations during and after making love.
3. Feeling of being really popular, on being elected Finsoc prez at college after my speech, 2004
4. The boat ride on the lake in Udaipur with parents and bro, in great weather, and eating absolutely delicious sandwiches on the roadside after that, 1989
5. Quite a few memories from Bangalore - post-lunch walks, drunken chit-chat at home, night-outs, and more...
Ghastly memories:
1. Sitting crying in the rain for 2 hours, 2005
1. Paper cancellation in 3rd semester for no fault of mine on charges of cheating, 1998
2. Seeing all women of the house crying, seated in a line at the hospital, when my grandfather died, 1987
3. Children of the neighbourhood uniting to exclude me from the game, without specifying the reason that did not occur to me until much later, 1988
4. Hitting the lowest ebb ever in my school grades in the first term of class XII, 1996
5. Sitting and looking out from the window of our first floor flat feeling hopeless, for return of Mom and Dad, or of my little brother who was not back home from the video game shop even after dark. 1990
Plus couple of other faded memories from when I was a little child myself...
The past ten years have been quite better I'd say :-)
Monday, January 07, 2008
Bored in pain
Subah hoti hai shaam hoti hai,
zindagi yun hee tamaam hoti hai...
My knee hurts, but thankfully I get the feeling it will heal in 3-4 days. Yesterday the pain brought with it a lot of negative thoughts. But I think I tackled them well with reason. For every reason to bring myself down and depressed, I could pull out two to make me feel good and cheerful. Even in pain.
Now I remember trying to do a little shake-n-twist as I put on the music today on returning from office, and I smile and wince at the same time, the pain was there, is still there, but I am not afraid.
Yes, I was afraid yesterday. That makes you weak. One has to be stronger, I have to be stronger, definitely.
That said, my whole week is definitely ruined. I am not viewing any more flats tomorrow and would also not be going to the group on Wednesday. I haven't been to the group for three months now, its just that all these first wednesdays, I've been busy in something.
In a way, I am glad I got hurt after a long time. The body must know of its capability to function even in pain. To hop in cold wind for thirty minutes, knowing it will eventually reach home and get the rest it deserves.
In a way, if this does happen, we become creatures used to so much comfort that pain in our body becomes an alien phenomenon, which we aren't ready to face, let alone endure.
Now a couple of days, the pain doesn't bother me that much. I know it's taking its time. And I can go back to the usual office, cooking, TV/book/internet routine taking it in my stride, limping and hopping, back to the daily cycle of mornings and evenings, mornings and evenings...
zindagi yun hee tamaam hoti hai...
My knee hurts, but thankfully I get the feeling it will heal in 3-4 days. Yesterday the pain brought with it a lot of negative thoughts. But I think I tackled them well with reason. For every reason to bring myself down and depressed, I could pull out two to make me feel good and cheerful. Even in pain.
Now I remember trying to do a little shake-n-twist as I put on the music today on returning from office, and I smile and wince at the same time, the pain was there, is still there, but I am not afraid.
Yes, I was afraid yesterday. That makes you weak. One has to be stronger, I have to be stronger, definitely.
That said, my whole week is definitely ruined. I am not viewing any more flats tomorrow and would also not be going to the group on Wednesday. I haven't been to the group for three months now, its just that all these first wednesdays, I've been busy in something.
In a way, I am glad I got hurt after a long time. The body must know of its capability to function even in pain. To hop in cold wind for thirty minutes, knowing it will eventually reach home and get the rest it deserves.
In a way, if this does happen, we become creatures used to so much comfort that pain in our body becomes an alien phenomenon, which we aren't ready to face, let alone endure.
Now a couple of days, the pain doesn't bother me that much. I know it's taking its time. And I can go back to the usual office, cooking, TV/book/internet routine taking it in my stride, limping and hopping, back to the daily cycle of mornings and evenings, mornings and evenings...
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Year gone-by (II)
Had a nice day first looking up flats to rent with V and then gossiping over lunch (that I prepared), and now sipping some wine listening to music, and jotting this down as an episode of heroes loads in the background so I can watch it.
Heroes, I don't particularly like it now having seen about 7 episodes already. It has all its twists and turns and complexities that keep you engrossed but somehow it is just another american soap, despite not being a soap at all, if you know what i mean.
Anyway, what else did I do last year. Oh yes, made new friends. That is, in London, of course. I was new in London, so I had to make friends, and I did. And now am glad I have a sort of social circle in London. But I am spending more and more time with myself, and happily so. I do get the "lonely" feeling at times, but that's part of it because I choose to spend time with myself. Watching movies I like, running on the schedule I want, doing as I please etc etc
My interactions with Anu are also maturing, as is our relationship, although quite slowly. Both he and I know that there are loads of things we just have to accept and take into our stride, and we are learning it is possible to do that. It is again a part of choosing my actions and agreeing to be responsible for them, which includes my partner and my respect, love and care for him, taking into consideration the situation that is out of my control. But as always, I found it is never going to be easy for us, and maybe that's the fun of it all.
I travelled this year, but not as much as I would have liked to. Visited Jaisalmer in feb and that was a good one, with elaborate descriptions on this blog. From London, Anu and I visited Scotland and Wales and Brighton and Southend. I still want to visit more beaches and the lake district but that's gonna happen in the summer. We had an amazing time in Wales and Brighton, and this year I am sure gonna travel much more. Bavaria, here we come, in feb end!
Heroes, I don't particularly like it now having seen about 7 episodes already. It has all its twists and turns and complexities that keep you engrossed but somehow it is just another american soap, despite not being a soap at all, if you know what i mean.
Anyway, what else did I do last year. Oh yes, made new friends. That is, in London, of course. I was new in London, so I had to make friends, and I did. And now am glad I have a sort of social circle in London. But I am spending more and more time with myself, and happily so. I do get the "lonely" feeling at times, but that's part of it because I choose to spend time with myself. Watching movies I like, running on the schedule I want, doing as I please etc etc
My interactions with Anu are also maturing, as is our relationship, although quite slowly. Both he and I know that there are loads of things we just have to accept and take into our stride, and we are learning it is possible to do that. It is again a part of choosing my actions and agreeing to be responsible for them, which includes my partner and my respect, love and care for him, taking into consideration the situation that is out of my control. But as always, I found it is never going to be easy for us, and maybe that's the fun of it all.
I travelled this year, but not as much as I would have liked to. Visited Jaisalmer in feb and that was a good one, with elaborate descriptions on this blog. From London, Anu and I visited Scotland and Wales and Brighton and Southend. I still want to visit more beaches and the lake district but that's gonna happen in the summer. We had an amazing time in Wales and Brighton, and this year I am sure gonna travel much more. Bavaria, here we come, in feb end!
Friday, January 04, 2008
Year gone-by
Well last year deserves at least a post on itself doesn’t it?
Life was certainly less exciting this year than 2006.
The first two months were spent waiting for the UK project to happen, mixed with lots of confusion about other roles and positions in Noida / NY. I am quite ridiculous when it comes to making any kind of choice on my own, though this year I have tremendously improved on this front. Well the Merrill project happened, and March was spent preparing to get here.
The next nine months were on expected lines work-wise. I enjoyed the fact that the work was not entirely boring and hardly ever hectic. I hardly made any friends at work, continuing the trend that started in Noida. It is in strong contrast to Amsoft and HP, where I forged quite strong friendship that seem to last the test of time. There are two factors I attribute to this – The close friendships from these two previous employers are more because these people have come into the inner personal sphere of my life, and know me to a greater extent than the outside world. And also, it is plain simple harder to make friends as you grow in the company; everyone turns into a boring married person or hideous conniving person, many a times both.
I stayed clear of all “freshie” Indians like myself at work. Well I would admit I tried to make an effort to get along and plan weekends together at start, but gave up once I found myself utterly bored and frustrated in their company.
Also gave a thought to getting a certification or getting some massive reading going to get to really become the expert in my area I should be, but that just remained a thought. If one gets super appraisals just by doing what I do, then where is the need to put in an extra effort? I still might go for a certification after all, keeping with my penchant for securing a bright future.
Well lets just keep this post for my worklife this year then shall we... how utterly boring.
More in the next one, ya there should be a next one within this year.
Life was certainly less exciting this year than 2006.
The first two months were spent waiting for the UK project to happen, mixed with lots of confusion about other roles and positions in Noida / NY. I am quite ridiculous when it comes to making any kind of choice on my own, though this year I have tremendously improved on this front. Well the Merrill project happened, and March was spent preparing to get here.
The next nine months were on expected lines work-wise. I enjoyed the fact that the work was not entirely boring and hardly ever hectic. I hardly made any friends at work, continuing the trend that started in Noida. It is in strong contrast to Amsoft and HP, where I forged quite strong friendship that seem to last the test of time. There are two factors I attribute to this – The close friendships from these two previous employers are more because these people have come into the inner personal sphere of my life, and know me to a greater extent than the outside world. And also, it is plain simple harder to make friends as you grow in the company; everyone turns into a boring married person or hideous conniving person, many a times both.
I stayed clear of all “freshie” Indians like myself at work. Well I would admit I tried to make an effort to get along and plan weekends together at start, but gave up once I found myself utterly bored and frustrated in their company.
Also gave a thought to getting a certification or getting some massive reading going to get to really become the expert in my area I should be, but that just remained a thought. If one gets super appraisals just by doing what I do, then where is the need to put in an extra effort? I still might go for a certification after all, keeping with my penchant for securing a bright future.
Well lets just keep this post for my worklife this year then shall we... how utterly boring.
More in the next one, ya there should be a next one within this year.
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