A year's halt in life?

Le chalein le chalein
Yaadon ke ye kaafile..
Jayenge hum jahan,
yeh zameen aasmaan milen.

Looking forward expectantly and apprehensively, taking a long sigh and panicking for a moment on the sanity of my decision, lovingly remembering every (almost) moment that I have spent here, wondering what future has in store.

I'll miss bangalore and the dearest friends I have here tremendously.
A year's halt in life? No, I have lived here much more than I have ever lived at all.

Da Vinci reloaded

The weekend started well with da vinci code, and chinese food.
The movie is well made and better than i expected. All the talk about the holy grail, did not really strike me as very important even as I had read the book, nor did it today. Anyway, what did strike me was the importance of belief, in our lives. Whatever we have been told over time becomes the truth, or a way of life. We do not know what is true from history. As someone put it, most history is the history of the victorious in war. Rest of the truth is lost in time or distorted beyond recognition.
The identity of the sacred feminine, the equality of power that the female could have held, had truth not been distorted, forces me to draw a parallel about the possibility of something like this w.r.t sexuality.
We cannot be totally sure how our ancestors viewed alternate sexuality, whether it was prevalent, shunned, closeted or maybe a way of life (as increasingly in some western societies)
Whatever it was, would probably never be known, as any treatise or artifacts depicting such life could be conveniently sought out and destroyed meticulously over centuries.
Even though suggesting Jesus a wife is weird enough for most people, I wouldn't mind an idea propounding a treasure hunt for the "holy male"... what a thought!

You love

...
aadhi aadhi jaagi.. aadhi aadhi soyi,
aankhen ye teri to lagta hai royi...
le kar ke naam hamaara.
...

well,
you demand, you expect, you're mean, you cry, but you love, you feel guilty, you give in, you apologize, you think, you don't think, you laugh, you go on and you are left behind.
you love...

Coming Out

It becomes easier after every time you do it. I didn't go through much more than an increased heartbeat, as I came out to a friend a couple of days ago. This, as compared to the palpitation and shivering that I went through the first time sitting in a cafe, was surprisingly easy.
But there is an undeniable indecision here as well. When you decide to come out to a close friend, you decide to share something that was hidden for so long, that you had begun to think that was the only way to live. There is a feeling of exposing yourself, you feel vulnerabe. There is a fear of losing a friendship because of inability to accept, when you could have not told and things could have gone smoothly as always. But then, the friendship can, and maybe should, get stronger after this. When you can talk about a very important aspect of your life to a dear friend or at least have the assurance that the friend will be there to talk and share your feelings/joys/griefs when you need it.
But this time, I also did it for another reason. I realised that a fear in my head told me that this path was a path of no return. If I tell everyone of my friends about me, they shall accept it, but what if I want to go back to the lifestyle and ideas I had always held...? Wouldn't that create a whole lot of unnecessary tension for them, and a whole lot of explaining for me to do?
That was when I decided to go ahead, stop being a coward, and do what I feel was the best thing for me and my friendship. If I continue doing what I am convinced is the best thing for me and my loved ones, nothing else should matter at any point in time.

Rains

The past three evenings, the bangalore rains have been quite awesome. I have been drenched twice, and quite enjoyed it.
Yesterday I just stood outside on my balcony, feeling the strong gusts of wind spray water on my face. The rain enhances my senses quite nicely, and the aroma of wet earth and the cool breeze is enough to take away my blues and make me feel good, romantic, eager and hungry! :)
My fav thing while its raining is NOT to go outside and get drenched! I'd rather stand at the door/window watching the trees sway sensously, and the shadows of faraway lights glimmer on the wet roads, tempted to run out but resisting the invitation of the cool wind and water on my face, hair and chest. And then it puts in every wild thought possible in my mind...
A hot cuppa tea is great company while I enjoy the rain in solitude. And yes, when at home with mom, the family gorges on plenty of spicy pakoras.
Rains are bliss in more ways than one.

Meme

The Instructions: Comment, and I shall give you a letter. Go back to your journal, and write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation of what those words means to you and why.

My ten words with "E", which I received from Mahesh.

1. Ecstatic: I guess this is one feeling I really lookout for, and desire of, anything. Happy, content, excited, joyous are all good. But nothing like ecstasy.

2. Everyone: One of the biggest lessons that I don't think I shall ever be able to learn is that you cannot make everyone happy.

3. Emotions: They govern me mostly, rather than me governing them. I did not know emotions could be so powerful and so extreme. I thought I was mostly emotionless in accordance with a very practical upbringing, but i was wrong.

4. Easy: This is something I desire. Although I may want to achieve loads at times and end up putting effort for it as well, I seriously think I would rather be happier to bending rules and principles to make it convenient and easy.

5. Evening: My time of the day. I like to spend them with friends and family and can get depressed if my weekend evening is not planned or a plan goes haywire.

6. Elegance: A trait I like. Thats because of being a Libra methinks. Elegant is my style. Style is important.

7. Europe: There is so much in europe that I'd like to see. Whatever I saw whetted my appetite no end.

8. Eat: This has to come. Good food is an integral part of my existence. Eating isn't just about survival for me. I have to have variety of cuisine, tastes/aroma from everywhere and of course, I love my Mom's super cooking.

9. Embrace: I think I like to embrace people and ideas, and make them a part of my own personality. This is how I think I have grown. I don't really think I have so much in me that I can call my own. Sometimes I think that is bad, but then thats me.

10. Espionage: Surprisingly, I think I might have been a great spy. I have a dark side lurking in there for sure, which cannot do without the thrill of adventure, cheating, lying and deceit, but all this when no one is hurt and there is a all-pervading sense of fairness. Batman is my fav superhero.

The checkup

Today I met the most amazing doctor ever.

There was a free health checkup at our office and I went to get myself checked for the heck of it (basically coz it was free and i had a sore throat since times immemorial). I was telling the doctor about a previous problem when he started to discuss my sex life! I was frank and told him that I did have it, not too regularly but not too irregularly either. He simply looked on and asked... with females or...? After recovering from the initial shock of his frankness and a sudden spurt of curiousity, I told him about my interest in men.
Then he actually discussed things about safety, being very open and advising me a lot (most of the stuff I knew anyway) about myself and my partner, monogamity et al included. I was obviously curious and seeing the quite cute smile, I shot the question whether it was coming out of "personal experience". But he replied "No. Out of the multiple patients we see."
Well patients every doctor sees, but never ever has anyone been frank about this or taken an interest out of the routine. I felt really nice about his intention of helping out, taking a couple of minutes out of the physician's skin.

The sea

In a sea so vast, so deep
you look for the ship that will take you home.
you search, you desire, you wish,
but the sea gets vaster,
as you begin to drown.
The sea is inside you.