Small nice things

Back after yet another long break. Devoid of ideas and urge to write, what could I have done?

Anyway, was just thinking to myself, it feels good to keep doing small small nice things for those you care about. There have been greater number of instances when I have been the receiver of small niceties from others than the other way round, yet, as is always said, what you will do will end up coming around.

What can one do? Make a cup of tea in the morning for Dad, cut a CD of your friend's fav songs and give it to her, send an affectionate message to the cousin you went and stayed with, make a collage of all memories of good times shared and put them in a huge birthday card, send a cheerful optimistic email to a friend going through a tough phase...

And for yourself, just observe the look on a small child's face peering out of a bus window, and smile, because life works itself out.

Reason to smile

Busy day. Have things to finish off at office.
Even the elements seemed to suggest so, as the trees were not swaying, the sun was already bright yellow and the air was cool but still, as I walked my walk.
I found myself wondering, as a song played which reminded me of Vienna, as to how my thoughts used to be at that point in time. I couldn't really remember correctly. I had been thinking that my thoughts have changed drastically in the last year or two, but somehow felt that wasn't the case in reality. For a second, I wanted to go back in time and check how it felt then.
My thoughts wandered, as usual, to him. I pictured him coming up the escalator at the Mall, as I looked on from above, hidden from his sight. He looked around a lil, not really appearing to search for anything, but expectantly coming ahead and obviously looking forward to see me. The way his face lit up, as it lights up every single time on recognising me from among the crowd, is beyond expression. The child-like grin and the smile in his eyes is irresistible and infectious. And whenever I remember it, I can't keep from smiling.
So I am glad that facing this busy day, I have a reason to smile.

Looking forward

"Waking up to a glorious sunny morning with scattered clouds and a lovely breeze is an experience one shouldn't miss", I thought as I walked my brisk morning walk; that I have decided to take up, as the only means to stay away from the ominous paunch, very visible on everyone in my office.

What is there to be morose about, I asked myself? You are appreciating the leaves and branches swaying in the wind, the clouds rushing across a beautiful blue sky, the greenery and freshness that welcomes you in the park and the music that plays in your ears. You are feeling healthy, you are feeling like an achiever, you are aware, and you are smiling.

You are different. But nature considers you as much its own as it does anybody else.

I looked at the golf greens across the fence and admired the beautiful grass shining in the sun. And I felt the urge to go visit places where more sites and sounds await me, each more beautiful than the other. And I thought that I will keep this vision alive and work towards it to make my traveling desires a reality.

Then I found myself wondering as to who I will have for company? Well, I will have myself. And thankfully I think I will have people who take me and appreciate me as I am, who I can be transparent to. I think that is important. To be able to live your life without pretensions.

Life can change drastically anytime, you never know if tomorrow you will get a paralytic attack and spend the rest of your days like a vegetable. Will you regret "not doing" something then? Be proactive and spend your life the way you want, putting your heart, mind and soul into it.

If you are different, how can you still expect a traditional way to live? Is that all you think life is about, living in a particular fashion? Isn't there more to experience and learn and relish for everyone for a lifetime?

I understand that these may have sounded as just words without a practical applicability if I had heard them, at another time in another context. But I believe if I can ingrain these in myself, I won't be as scared and morose anymore.

One has to find his own space, and I trust there is lots for everyone to find.

And I must thank God that he has given me the power to choose, the awareness to understand and for everything else that has come along with it.

Mundane musings

Traveling to office for an hour and a half means that my blog entries can be partly composed on my mobile phone notes.
The journey is usually boring; and I resort to listening to music from my new mobile, or participating in the discussion which is always kept on by the other car-pool members (and which usually leaves me in a lot of discomfort of having to bear the ignominy of coming everyday and listening to insensitive people cribbing about mundane things or lesser)

So anyway, here are a couple of pertinent questions that I came to think while trying to ignore my close-to-obnoxious car-pool colleagues, all the time observing them as well, and getting amused.

Why does silence frighten you? Why do you panic if you or the people around you are not speaking continuously?

Do all of us need a scenario? Do we really need to have at least a slight notion about what we will be generally doing when we are at 45? (This being kept in mind that I still have a considerable time to get there!)

Answer these questions if you think they pertain to you as well.

Dreamin' of cowboys?

A Cowboy's gotta be what he's gotta be.
If you really love a Gay Cowboy
keep him free

Busy writing our tragedy

And so the hiatus ends, and I write my ....err..
Why do we want to get busy writing our tragedy? And more than that, creating one when there is none?
Well anyway, my current tragedy is the weather here in Delhi and around, coupled with the bordering-on-intolerable power situation evrywhere here. If Gurgaon faces atleast 3 to 4 hours of powercuts everyday, Noida is no better. All the more it reminds me of the bliss that Bangalore weather is, and accentuates my misery.
But having lamented enough and more on my tragedy, I have decided to try and take all this in my stride now. It isn't as if I did not know of the situation before coming here. So all I have to do is to focus on the reasons I shifted here in the first place, and take definitive measures to tackle the problems faced.
Some basic steps to that effect include:
Taking to pen and paper in a power failure situation and write on about stuff (this entry has been written on paper first);
Making task lists to keep myself busy on weekends, so that when the heat starts to disorient you or frustratingly push you into an involuntary slumber, you still can consciously tend to something that needed to be done and pass safely through troubling times;
Buying a whole set of summer apparel a.k.a. skimpy clothing to help tolerate the heat;
And finally, generally cheer myself up with all nice things around that I tend to simply overlook nowadays...

A year's halt in life?

Le chalein le chalein
Yaadon ke ye kaafile..
Jayenge hum jahan,
yeh zameen aasmaan milen.

Looking forward expectantly and apprehensively, taking a long sigh and panicking for a moment on the sanity of my decision, lovingly remembering every (almost) moment that I have spent here, wondering what future has in store.

I'll miss bangalore and the dearest friends I have here tremendously.
A year's halt in life? No, I have lived here much more than I have ever lived at all.

Da Vinci reloaded

The weekend started well with da vinci code, and chinese food.
The movie is well made and better than i expected. All the talk about the holy grail, did not really strike me as very important even as I had read the book, nor did it today. Anyway, what did strike me was the importance of belief, in our lives. Whatever we have been told over time becomes the truth, or a way of life. We do not know what is true from history. As someone put it, most history is the history of the victorious in war. Rest of the truth is lost in time or distorted beyond recognition.
The identity of the sacred feminine, the equality of power that the female could have held, had truth not been distorted, forces me to draw a parallel about the possibility of something like this w.r.t sexuality.
We cannot be totally sure how our ancestors viewed alternate sexuality, whether it was prevalent, shunned, closeted or maybe a way of life (as increasingly in some western societies)
Whatever it was, would probably never be known, as any treatise or artifacts depicting such life could be conveniently sought out and destroyed meticulously over centuries.
Even though suggesting Jesus a wife is weird enough for most people, I wouldn't mind an idea propounding a treasure hunt for the "holy male"... what a thought!

You love

...
aadhi aadhi jaagi.. aadhi aadhi soyi,
aankhen ye teri to lagta hai royi...
le kar ke naam hamaara.
...

well,
you demand, you expect, you're mean, you cry, but you love, you feel guilty, you give in, you apologize, you think, you don't think, you laugh, you go on and you are left behind.
you love...

Coming Out

It becomes easier after every time you do it. I didn't go through much more than an increased heartbeat, as I came out to a friend a couple of days ago. This, as compared to the palpitation and shivering that I went through the first time sitting in a cafe, was surprisingly easy.
But there is an undeniable indecision here as well. When you decide to come out to a close friend, you decide to share something that was hidden for so long, that you had begun to think that was the only way to live. There is a feeling of exposing yourself, you feel vulnerabe. There is a fear of losing a friendship because of inability to accept, when you could have not told and things could have gone smoothly as always. But then, the friendship can, and maybe should, get stronger after this. When you can talk about a very important aspect of your life to a dear friend or at least have the assurance that the friend will be there to talk and share your feelings/joys/griefs when you need it.
But this time, I also did it for another reason. I realised that a fear in my head told me that this path was a path of no return. If I tell everyone of my friends about me, they shall accept it, but what if I want to go back to the lifestyle and ideas I had always held...? Wouldn't that create a whole lot of unnecessary tension for them, and a whole lot of explaining for me to do?
That was when I decided to go ahead, stop being a coward, and do what I feel was the best thing for me and my friendship. If I continue doing what I am convinced is the best thing for me and my loved ones, nothing else should matter at any point in time.

Rains

The past three evenings, the bangalore rains have been quite awesome. I have been drenched twice, and quite enjoyed it.
Yesterday I just stood outside on my balcony, feeling the strong gusts of wind spray water on my face. The rain enhances my senses quite nicely, and the aroma of wet earth and the cool breeze is enough to take away my blues and make me feel good, romantic, eager and hungry! :)
My fav thing while its raining is NOT to go outside and get drenched! I'd rather stand at the door/window watching the trees sway sensously, and the shadows of faraway lights glimmer on the wet roads, tempted to run out but resisting the invitation of the cool wind and water on my face, hair and chest. And then it puts in every wild thought possible in my mind...
A hot cuppa tea is great company while I enjoy the rain in solitude. And yes, when at home with mom, the family gorges on plenty of spicy pakoras.
Rains are bliss in more ways than one.

Meme

The Instructions: Comment, and I shall give you a letter. Go back to your journal, and write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation of what those words means to you and why.

My ten words with "E", which I received from Mahesh.

1. Ecstatic: I guess this is one feeling I really lookout for, and desire of, anything. Happy, content, excited, joyous are all good. But nothing like ecstasy.

2. Everyone: One of the biggest lessons that I don't think I shall ever be able to learn is that you cannot make everyone happy.

3. Emotions: They govern me mostly, rather than me governing them. I did not know emotions could be so powerful and so extreme. I thought I was mostly emotionless in accordance with a very practical upbringing, but i was wrong.

4. Easy: This is something I desire. Although I may want to achieve loads at times and end up putting effort for it as well, I seriously think I would rather be happier to bending rules and principles to make it convenient and easy.

5. Evening: My time of the day. I like to spend them with friends and family and can get depressed if my weekend evening is not planned or a plan goes haywire.

6. Elegance: A trait I like. Thats because of being a Libra methinks. Elegant is my style. Style is important.

7. Europe: There is so much in europe that I'd like to see. Whatever I saw whetted my appetite no end.

8. Eat: This has to come. Good food is an integral part of my existence. Eating isn't just about survival for me. I have to have variety of cuisine, tastes/aroma from everywhere and of course, I love my Mom's super cooking.

9. Embrace: I think I like to embrace people and ideas, and make them a part of my own personality. This is how I think I have grown. I don't really think I have so much in me that I can call my own. Sometimes I think that is bad, but then thats me.

10. Espionage: Surprisingly, I think I might have been a great spy. I have a dark side lurking in there for sure, which cannot do without the thrill of adventure, cheating, lying and deceit, but all this when no one is hurt and there is a all-pervading sense of fairness. Batman is my fav superhero.

The checkup

Today I met the most amazing doctor ever.

There was a free health checkup at our office and I went to get myself checked for the heck of it (basically coz it was free and i had a sore throat since times immemorial). I was telling the doctor about a previous problem when he started to discuss my sex life! I was frank and told him that I did have it, not too regularly but not too irregularly either. He simply looked on and asked... with females or...? After recovering from the initial shock of his frankness and a sudden spurt of curiousity, I told him about my interest in men.
Then he actually discussed things about safety, being very open and advising me a lot (most of the stuff I knew anyway) about myself and my partner, monogamity et al included. I was obviously curious and seeing the quite cute smile, I shot the question whether it was coming out of "personal experience". But he replied "No. Out of the multiple patients we see."
Well patients every doctor sees, but never ever has anyone been frank about this or taken an interest out of the routine. I felt really nice about his intention of helping out, taking a couple of minutes out of the physician's skin.

The sea

In a sea so vast, so deep
you look for the ship that will take you home.
you search, you desire, you wish,
but the sea gets vaster,
as you begin to drown.
The sea is inside you.

Hangover

Lines from a few songs going round and round in my head:

"Do you believe... in what you see... Everyone's saying different things to me"


"Everytime you throw him to the floor...
Why are you surprised... to see...
He's breakable"


"And so it is..
Just like you said it would be..
life is easy on me...
most of the time.

And so it is...
a shorter story..
No love no glory..
in her sky.

I can't take my eyes off you.
I can't take my mind off you."

Otherwise I can't think much right now. I am comfortably numb, and content in a weird sort of way.

Guest??

umeedein bhi kee, intezaar bhi...
yaad mein ashk bhi bahaaye.

phir bhi mera ashiq, mere armaan...
khud ko mera mehmaan bataaye..

(
Held some expectations, and waited...
Cried a little remembering you.
But still my lover, my hopes...
call themselves a guest of mine.
)

What do I do?

Tinke Samaetoon...
Ya Bikhar jaane doon.
......
Ye Lamha jee loon...
Yaa bas guzar jaane doon.

(Should I gather the straws...
Or let it disintegrate.
Should I live this moment...
Or just let it pass.)

Another one (not mine)

Come sit by my side if you love me...
Do not hasten to bid adieu.
Jus remember the red silver valley...
And the heart that loves you so true.

The love of convenience

In my interactions with people over the last few months, I have noticed a particular trait in some settled-in-career/comfortable-with-themselves/available single guys which led me to wonder whether it is a trend or just a mistaken representation.
People are "looking for love". They get offended when questioned on their intentions on looking for just physical pleasure. They have a list of a thousand characteristics that they are looking for in the boyfriend-to-be, a mental picture framed in gold and hung for quite some time now, so much so that they aren't easily available to recognize it themselves. They treat each new guy that comes across nicely and everything, seemingly very careful and considerate not to hurt the other person by turning him down, all the while fulfilling their own need of momentary companionship i.e. a hand to hold and a head resting peacefully on their chests. Conveniently failing to realise that the other person is a mere unprepared human, not as mature as they are, the poor soul suddenly finds himself in love with all the friendly care showered by these benevolent creatures. They find an emotional anchor, and suddenly, much to their surprise, the anchor refuses to hold. Things are told to them - It was never meant to be, how could you think of us like that, there is no wavelength match, there wasn't anything physical between us anyway na... and so on.
Then these people just move on to another temporary companion to drink, throw party, watch tv, lay down (even share some "weak moments" with).... but mind you, all the time looking for that "love of their life"... spending the present with the love of convenience.

Music

I associate a lot of memories with music, I guess many of us do. So if there is a song playing somewhere, it reminds of a particular time or mostly, a particular emotional state.
Lets see if I can list some of the music/songs that I associate with things-

"Kehna hee kya" from "Bombay" reminds me of my 10th board exams, feeling of being nervous and confined
"Humma Humma" from the same film reminds me of the absolute fun i had with friends the same year, my first feeling of partying solely with friends and a wild time.
Bryan Adams (particularly "Have you ever really") reminds me of driving through Switzerland, brings back all the visual delight.
Avril Lavigne always makes me feel rebellious and independent, reminds me of the U-rail travel to office in Vienna
Coldplay gets me brooding and questioning and depressed at times, but i still absolutely love it. Reminds me of being alone at night in my room last aug/sept.
"Dil Chahta hai" reminds me of my Rafting trip in 2002, nostalgia of being with friends and tired and content after a great round of rafting on the Ganges.
"Celine Dion - A new day has come" reminds me of being down with typhoid and feeling hopeful and really sick at the same time.
"Robbie Williams - Feel" and "Shakira - Underneath your clothes" remind me of my apartment in Vienna, summer afternoons spent alone, doing nothing much at all.
"Lio - Rapture" so reminds me of the FMS parties, the drunken stupor, the amazing highs and dancing and fun, in a sensual kind of way too.

Hmm...

In my head

Party Nights...,
City of lights...,
Shining down over me...
Skyscrapers, stargazers... in my head.

Often I just lay there on my bed in the dark, staring at the city lights from my apartment, just wondering, alone, content... in a kind of daze.
Nothing in particular seems to be important.
And I get sad.

Ich bin ...

What am I?
Confused - I don't know where I am going.
Scared - It seems to me I would be hated by more people than loved finally
Honest - I don't wanna keep things hidden under veils from anyone, but can I help it?
Selfish - who isn't?
Genuine - I mean it! :-)
Sensitive - Too much for my own good, I've been told
Lazy - Have to get myself to overcome this trait, i really do
Brooding - Get over it Rahul, think ahead, think positive. duh?

Loving - yes I am, am sure of that. But I expect so much in return, oh thats taken care in selfish and brooding above :-(
Funny - NO way!! Even a turned off TV set is funnier than I am

Us

Another new occurence. Bro asked me for tips on going on a date! I could sense that the poor guy was blushing all over, as he asked me whether a "friend" should take flowers and what else, as it is a "serious date" date..lol. Of course, the facade couldn't last long and he shyly told me that the girl sits on his floor itself in office, and is "kinda weird but cool"... hahaha
I gave whatever tips I could, and that led him to ask how many dates had I been upto, acting too smart that I was. I told him countless, and that he shouldn't even get me started! And he left it there, sad creature that he is!
I was missing mom a lot yesterday night, so called today and told her so. She acts so cool nowadays, I was so pleasantly surprise when she said that we have to go wherever we have to, and that I will come stay with her when it is to be. I love my mom.

Forming beliefs

I find myself changed. Quite. From June, July, the last 9 months or so. My beliefs have shaped and firmed up a bit, half-baked they might still be, but there is some crystallisation.
Although they are so much based on borrowed ideas, ingrained in sessions of listening to someone with awe and undivided attention and love, they are now so much my own, and so different from where the chain of thought originally began.
but I dont have a laundry list...
I believe now, that the ability to care and be there for a loved one, is greater than love itself. The love of Jack and Ennis was great and epic and tragic, but thats what it was... care of the loved one unavailable when perhaps most essential, only a never ending longing. The care and "being there" is more important, even if it is a brother, and not your lover caring for you.
I also believe that inherently, people never change, never. If who you love, tries to keep changing to make you feel better, then he shall no longer eventually remain the person you loved anyway. If you keep wanting someone to change something or the other, realise it is the situation that you want to change, or yourself.

Troubled

Listening to a song from Junoon..

Kyon pareshaan hai tu... (Why are you troubled)
kayi jahaan aur bhi hain. (There are other worlds too)

Kitne...
Haseen aur bhi hain. (So many... deserving others too)

Too unoccupied to write?

Sometimes in life you get so confused with what all goes in your mind, that you don't know what to do. In my case, "sometimes" becomes "most of the time" and so, I am not even able to write my thoughts onto a post!
Lets see what has been happening.
Since coming back from Delhi, I have enjoyed myself quite a bit actually. Had a short play with mentally challenged children, had theatre friends come over for a full night out, went to an all-black guys' party and went berserk there, did a cool moonlit bicycle trip to a picturesque lake outside town again with theatre gang and celebrated Holi with friends - getting all wet and having loads of fun in wonderla amusement park.
The night out was absolute nonstop fun, with us playing odd card games and watching some obscure television, before venturing out late into the night. We played hopscotch (7 adults actually drawing a play-area and hopping in and out of it, that too at 2 in the night!! Crazy!!), then tried some tug-of-war before settling for our usual round of singing and dancing really late into the night. I'd really like to lose myself like this sometimes when you con yourself into believing you are a little kid out to play with friends, and there is nothing more to life than that really.
The guys party was great too, certainly the best i've attended so far! Got going on the dance floor and stuck on it with great company till the end... got a couple of brokeback posters as bonus too.

Oh my Gawd...

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

World View.. ahem

***Your World View***


You are a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others.
You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances.
You are essentially a content person.

Sometimes, you consider yourself a little superior.
You are moral by your own standards.
You believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.

What Is Your World View?

Kissing purity!

Your Kissing Purity Score: 54% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

Bhimtal

Bhimtal is one of the 4-5 "Tal"s dotting the map in Uttaranchal, the most prominent of them being Nainital. I remember one of my friends mentioning about the forest camp she went to every alternate year near Bhimtal, and how exciting it was.

We reached Bhimtal in the afternoon around two pm. The journey from Corbett was mostly characterised by typical farms and then hills on either side, nothing to be unusually excited about. Our resort at Bhimtal was nothing to be excited about either, quite a mish-mash of all kinds of decor, the ambience was uninteresting at best. There were two huge real trees in the lobby though, something that is not a common sight in hotel lobbies and made it unique.

After freshening up, we decided to see where the road in front of the hotel led and trodded along it for a long way. Walking past the houses with berry shrubs, beautiful white flower-laden trees, and simple architecture to provide fodder to our discussion, both of us talked to each other about each and every thing as usual.

As the sun set behind the hills magnificiently, I gulped in as much of the fresh mountain air greedily, a luxury for our kind, used to inhaling dust and smoke as the bigger portion of the air in metros. There were the various evergreen conifers up on the cliff and way down into the valley, stretching all the way up the adjacent mountain and beyond... usual sights of the mountains, ever so refreshing and unique everywhere.

Staying indoor throughout the night, we rose up early and had a hearty breakfast. Then we headed to the lakeside. Bhimtal was quite splendid in its view, and there were surprisingly low number of tourists. We attributed this to the fact that most tourists make a beeline for the more popular Nainital, and the ones who do stay in the resorts here, have little drive left in them after a saturday night of heavy partying, drinking and sex, to come visit the lake at ten in the morning!

We decided against going on a boatride into the lake as we would have been the only boat in it (shy guys we are...) and we may not have had the liberty of behaving as we wanted with the boatman with us for company.

So we walked along the lake, we did the whole circumference in about an hour and a half, resting for a while midway, sitting beside the clean water under some trees watching the typical lake in mountain valley setting in full glory.

Peaceful and quiet, we were glad that we were here rather than in Nainital or some other commercial hill station.

Lazing around a while longer, we headed back to the resort and a couple of hours later, it was time to head back to Delhi, bidding a silent goodbye to the place, which along with Corbett, made our lil escape truly worth remembering.

Travelogue - Corbett

So, here goes the description of an extended weekend holiday taken by two lovebirds. An escape from the bustling capital to the peace and quiet of the forest and the hills.
I reached Delhi airport at night, and we were off towards Corbett right away. Corbett National Park - famous for the tiger, the most popular of the Indian wild cats. The journey at night was made pain-stakingly slow by the thick blanket of fog that descended on us when we were not more than a hundred km out of Delhi. But the fog rather increased the adventure spirit of the journey than be a dampner. Not being able to gather where we were headed and what kind of an area we were passing through, and the mist falling on the windshield was so much like an old black-and-white classic mystery movie. With us cuddled up under a blanket on the back seat of the car in the chilly nite as the driver struggled bravely through utterly poor visibility, it was a most exciting beginning to the holiday...
Reaching Corbett in the morning, we took up our Cottage at the resort where we were booked. The resort was a nice small one on the river Ramganga's edge, dotted with cottages, nicely landscaped lawns, pool n spa, activity centre and restaurant et all.
After breakfast, we immediately decided to go take a walk upto the river. The little river had lovely clear water and we could see huge fishes right from the vantage point we stood on looking down at the water and the entire landscape. Deciding to be adventurous, we trekked down right to the water's edge, where it appeared ever so tempting to wade into and have a refreshing dip. Deciding against that, we just sat at the edge and hummed, as we watched some local boys fish with their lines thrown into the river at many places.
Getting back, we decided on taking the Tiger Safari before dawn next day. So, we whiled away the subsequent hours snuggled up in our room, sleeping off the last day's tiredness.
In the evening, I decided to take the "nature" walk that the guide at the reception had mentioned, all by myself. Walking on the dusty road parallel to the river, I keenly looked at the few houses that existed in the area and the people who appeared to reside in them. Living inside a forest, how would that be like? Quite different I am sure that the urban jungle we are used to! Little children played within fenced areas, often running upto the riverside, seemingly unconcerned about any sort of danger there might be in being too adventurous.
I reached an old creaky bridge and crossed over to a path that lead to a temple in some distance. There was absolutely no human now anywhere in sight, although quite clearly it was an often used route by the locals, but somehow I felt quite isoltaed. I looked at the trees and other vegetation around, hearing the chirping of the birds and rustling of leaves interrupted sometimes by sounds of a distant truck on the road across the river. There was a small cliff rising on to the other side, and I suddenly got a feeling that the Tiger could easily be watching from the top of the cliff and I wouldn't know! How much time would it take for the wild beast to come charging and grab my neck... not much for sure. All these thoughts were of-course interspersed with the realization that I was just at the periphery of the forest and there were not more than 200 odd tigers in all of the huge expanse!
On my way back I sat at the riverside for a while, and as the mountain river sparkled in the setting sun's rays, I imagined the resemblance of the setting to Brokeback mountain, that I had just watched a while ago.
In the evening we watched a wildlife film, played some tabletennis and wrapped it up with a nice musical event with the hotel guests gathered around a bonfire.
We set off on the wild safari before sunrise, and by the time dawn set in we were well within the main forest area. The first observation: Corbett is full of spotted deer! There were all sizes and kinds of them, merrily jumping around, not really afraid of our jeep, ratherly looking curious if anything else. Apart from spotted ones, the other deer we bumped into were Sambhar and the little barking deer. There were also wild boars, wild fowl and langurs to be seen.
Of course, the main attraction for me was the forest itself. Vividly colourful apart from the omnipresent green and a variety of terrain... We found ourselves driven through shrubbery, tall grass glistening golden in the first rays of the sun, the mountain river in the middle of the forest, small hillocks and open grassland with hundreds of deer grazing merrily. The forest is so alive, even when you do not sight a single animal, there is a sense of them being there, watching you curiously at first, then getting back to their life with boredom of having seen it before.
Highlights of the safari included a deer alarm call, when a tiger was supposedly very near and our driver tried frantically to facilitate a sighting. We also saw fresh paw marks made on top of tyre marks that were not more than an hour or so old, but the shy beast remained elusively our of sight. We did manage to get a good dekko at some wild tuskers though. That it was a big group of elephants gathered near the river's edge, was evident because of the rustling and shaking of trees till quite a distance.
Heading back, I found myself not a trifle disappointed at not being able to actually see a tiger, the forest was enough to make its presence felt.
And so, the first part of our weekend ended as we boarded our car and headed off towards a quiet lake destination, Bhimtal.

Change, no change

Hmm... Another few days pass. For the first time here, work was really hectic and that became the reason for no posts here rather than my usual lethargy. This week is ending nicely with no work on the friday, a rock show on campus and finally me writing something.

The last three weeks have seen me hanging out mostly with my theatre club people... watching movies, shaking a leg at discs, and having loads of fun singing, dancing and playing games. Feels good, as if i'm back at college.

Reading "tuesdays with Morrie" currently, and liking it. Despite putting across predictable thoughts and "the way to live" stuff, the book does that in a refreshing manner.

Haven't been spending too much time with myself, and although it does help in keeping too many emotional outbursts in check, I would still like to get that time when I can just spend it with myself, reading, listening to music, thinking... but not too much!

There are few changes about to occur in the next couple of months. A job change followed by a change of residence, or vice versa. Its good, keep changing to avoid the rut setting in.

Flutter

And so another person wants to enter your life. I am actually trying to be modest, so i'll leave the major part of a messenger conversation i had with this new female friend of mine. "Such a good guy as you should be with a good girl". Ya sure, whatdya know.

But sometimes it does start getting to you. Questions of the kind "Why not give it a shot?"; "Maybe its destiny trying to say something"; "Maybe its the solution you are looking for, one that will make you truly happy forever?" and others like these suddenly arise in the back of your mind.

But i have learnt my lessons in the past. Never fool yourself into believing that you are what you are not, and that you feel what you don't. In a world where people make a habit of fooling themselves about their feelings and beliefs over and over again, for their entire lives even, this is the least you can achieve by not falling in the same trap. And so its not gonna happen again, there would be no expression of interest from my side to make her think of anything between us.

Sigh, but i still say that the simplicity of believing in something and sticking to it, right or wrong, actual or fake, is what can make you happy. Letting yourself question beliefs and explore options brings pain, so be ready for it.

Diversity

God i have been working with people in all kinds of geographical settings!

Last time this happened was in Vienna, with our team comprising of people from Austrian, Indian, German, French, American and Hungarian backgrounds. But at least everyone was working out of the same location, and while interacting with them, you could see their facial expressions and body languages, quite important a part of a complete interaction.

Currently i am working with people based out of Singapore, Shanghai, California, Houston, Puerto Rico and Dubai apart from Bangalore. As a result, my timings are neatly assaulted with requirement for availability ranging from 6 in the morning to 9.30 at night!

But i have always relished this diversity in interacting with a mixed group. Even though being under the same corporate umbrella means that there is an underlying commonness in the communication, slight variations and nuances almost definitely creep in. And of course, there are the diverse non-HP partners, with their own peculiarities. The way they communicate starting from a simple hello to goodbye, the way they portray excitement or conservativeness, the way they are confused about which name to address the person with, or whether its a "He" or "She"; its very amusing and quite a learning experience too!