Ich bin ...

What am I?
Confused - I don't know where I am going.
Scared - It seems to me I would be hated by more people than loved finally
Honest - I don't wanna keep things hidden under veils from anyone, but can I help it?
Selfish - who isn't?
Genuine - I mean it! :-)
Sensitive - Too much for my own good, I've been told
Lazy - Have to get myself to overcome this trait, i really do
Brooding - Get over it Rahul, think ahead, think positive. duh?

Loving - yes I am, am sure of that. But I expect so much in return, oh thats taken care in selfish and brooding above :-(
Funny - NO way!! Even a turned off TV set is funnier than I am

Us

Another new occurence. Bro asked me for tips on going on a date! I could sense that the poor guy was blushing all over, as he asked me whether a "friend" should take flowers and what else, as it is a "serious date" date..lol. Of course, the facade couldn't last long and he shyly told me that the girl sits on his floor itself in office, and is "kinda weird but cool"... hahaha
I gave whatever tips I could, and that led him to ask how many dates had I been upto, acting too smart that I was. I told him countless, and that he shouldn't even get me started! And he left it there, sad creature that he is!
I was missing mom a lot yesterday night, so called today and told her so. She acts so cool nowadays, I was so pleasantly surprise when she said that we have to go wherever we have to, and that I will come stay with her when it is to be. I love my mom.

Forming beliefs

I find myself changed. Quite. From June, July, the last 9 months or so. My beliefs have shaped and firmed up a bit, half-baked they might still be, but there is some crystallisation.
Although they are so much based on borrowed ideas, ingrained in sessions of listening to someone with awe and undivided attention and love, they are now so much my own, and so different from where the chain of thought originally began.
but I dont have a laundry list...
I believe now, that the ability to care and be there for a loved one, is greater than love itself. The love of Jack and Ennis was great and epic and tragic, but thats what it was... care of the loved one unavailable when perhaps most essential, only a never ending longing. The care and "being there" is more important, even if it is a brother, and not your lover caring for you.
I also believe that inherently, people never change, never. If who you love, tries to keep changing to make you feel better, then he shall no longer eventually remain the person you loved anyway. If you keep wanting someone to change something or the other, realise it is the situation that you want to change, or yourself.

Troubled

Listening to a song from Junoon..

Kyon pareshaan hai tu... (Why are you troubled)
kayi jahaan aur bhi hain. (There are other worlds too)

Kitne...
Haseen aur bhi hain. (So many... deserving others too)

Too unoccupied to write?

Sometimes in life you get so confused with what all goes in your mind, that you don't know what to do. In my case, "sometimes" becomes "most of the time" and so, I am not even able to write my thoughts onto a post!
Lets see what has been happening.
Since coming back from Delhi, I have enjoyed myself quite a bit actually. Had a short play with mentally challenged children, had theatre friends come over for a full night out, went to an all-black guys' party and went berserk there, did a cool moonlit bicycle trip to a picturesque lake outside town again with theatre gang and celebrated Holi with friends - getting all wet and having loads of fun in wonderla amusement park.
The night out was absolute nonstop fun, with us playing odd card games and watching some obscure television, before venturing out late into the night. We played hopscotch (7 adults actually drawing a play-area and hopping in and out of it, that too at 2 in the night!! Crazy!!), then tried some tug-of-war before settling for our usual round of singing and dancing really late into the night. I'd really like to lose myself like this sometimes when you con yourself into believing you are a little kid out to play with friends, and there is nothing more to life than that really.
The guys party was great too, certainly the best i've attended so far! Got going on the dance floor and stuck on it with great company till the end... got a couple of brokeback posters as bonus too.

Oh my Gawd...

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

World View.. ahem

***Your World View***


You are a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others.
You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances.
You are essentially a content person.

Sometimes, you consider yourself a little superior.
You are moral by your own standards.
You believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.

What Is Your World View?

Kissing purity!

Your Kissing Purity Score: 54% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

Bhimtal

Bhimtal is one of the 4-5 "Tal"s dotting the map in Uttaranchal, the most prominent of them being Nainital. I remember one of my friends mentioning about the forest camp she went to every alternate year near Bhimtal, and how exciting it was.

We reached Bhimtal in the afternoon around two pm. The journey from Corbett was mostly characterised by typical farms and then hills on either side, nothing to be unusually excited about. Our resort at Bhimtal was nothing to be excited about either, quite a mish-mash of all kinds of decor, the ambience was uninteresting at best. There were two huge real trees in the lobby though, something that is not a common sight in hotel lobbies and made it unique.

After freshening up, we decided to see where the road in front of the hotel led and trodded along it for a long way. Walking past the houses with berry shrubs, beautiful white flower-laden trees, and simple architecture to provide fodder to our discussion, both of us talked to each other about each and every thing as usual.

As the sun set behind the hills magnificiently, I gulped in as much of the fresh mountain air greedily, a luxury for our kind, used to inhaling dust and smoke as the bigger portion of the air in metros. There were the various evergreen conifers up on the cliff and way down into the valley, stretching all the way up the adjacent mountain and beyond... usual sights of the mountains, ever so refreshing and unique everywhere.

Staying indoor throughout the night, we rose up early and had a hearty breakfast. Then we headed to the lakeside. Bhimtal was quite splendid in its view, and there were surprisingly low number of tourists. We attributed this to the fact that most tourists make a beeline for the more popular Nainital, and the ones who do stay in the resorts here, have little drive left in them after a saturday night of heavy partying, drinking and sex, to come visit the lake at ten in the morning!

We decided against going on a boatride into the lake as we would have been the only boat in it (shy guys we are...) and we may not have had the liberty of behaving as we wanted with the boatman with us for company.

So we walked along the lake, we did the whole circumference in about an hour and a half, resting for a while midway, sitting beside the clean water under some trees watching the typical lake in mountain valley setting in full glory.

Peaceful and quiet, we were glad that we were here rather than in Nainital or some other commercial hill station.

Lazing around a while longer, we headed back to the resort and a couple of hours later, it was time to head back to Delhi, bidding a silent goodbye to the place, which along with Corbett, made our lil escape truly worth remembering.

Travelogue - Corbett

So, here goes the description of an extended weekend holiday taken by two lovebirds. An escape from the bustling capital to the peace and quiet of the forest and the hills.
I reached Delhi airport at night, and we were off towards Corbett right away. Corbett National Park - famous for the tiger, the most popular of the Indian wild cats. The journey at night was made pain-stakingly slow by the thick blanket of fog that descended on us when we were not more than a hundred km out of Delhi. But the fog rather increased the adventure spirit of the journey than be a dampner. Not being able to gather where we were headed and what kind of an area we were passing through, and the mist falling on the windshield was so much like an old black-and-white classic mystery movie. With us cuddled up under a blanket on the back seat of the car in the chilly nite as the driver struggled bravely through utterly poor visibility, it was a most exciting beginning to the holiday...
Reaching Corbett in the morning, we took up our Cottage at the resort where we were booked. The resort was a nice small one on the river Ramganga's edge, dotted with cottages, nicely landscaped lawns, pool n spa, activity centre and restaurant et all.
After breakfast, we immediately decided to go take a walk upto the river. The little river had lovely clear water and we could see huge fishes right from the vantage point we stood on looking down at the water and the entire landscape. Deciding to be adventurous, we trekked down right to the water's edge, where it appeared ever so tempting to wade into and have a refreshing dip. Deciding against that, we just sat at the edge and hummed, as we watched some local boys fish with their lines thrown into the river at many places.
Getting back, we decided on taking the Tiger Safari before dawn next day. So, we whiled away the subsequent hours snuggled up in our room, sleeping off the last day's tiredness.
In the evening, I decided to take the "nature" walk that the guide at the reception had mentioned, all by myself. Walking on the dusty road parallel to the river, I keenly looked at the few houses that existed in the area and the people who appeared to reside in them. Living inside a forest, how would that be like? Quite different I am sure that the urban jungle we are used to! Little children played within fenced areas, often running upto the riverside, seemingly unconcerned about any sort of danger there might be in being too adventurous.
I reached an old creaky bridge and crossed over to a path that lead to a temple in some distance. There was absolutely no human now anywhere in sight, although quite clearly it was an often used route by the locals, but somehow I felt quite isoltaed. I looked at the trees and other vegetation around, hearing the chirping of the birds and rustling of leaves interrupted sometimes by sounds of a distant truck on the road across the river. There was a small cliff rising on to the other side, and I suddenly got a feeling that the Tiger could easily be watching from the top of the cliff and I wouldn't know! How much time would it take for the wild beast to come charging and grab my neck... not much for sure. All these thoughts were of-course interspersed with the realization that I was just at the periphery of the forest and there were not more than 200 odd tigers in all of the huge expanse!
On my way back I sat at the riverside for a while, and as the mountain river sparkled in the setting sun's rays, I imagined the resemblance of the setting to Brokeback mountain, that I had just watched a while ago.
In the evening we watched a wildlife film, played some tabletennis and wrapped it up with a nice musical event with the hotel guests gathered around a bonfire.
We set off on the wild safari before sunrise, and by the time dawn set in we were well within the main forest area. The first observation: Corbett is full of spotted deer! There were all sizes and kinds of them, merrily jumping around, not really afraid of our jeep, ratherly looking curious if anything else. Apart from spotted ones, the other deer we bumped into were Sambhar and the little barking deer. There were also wild boars, wild fowl and langurs to be seen.
Of course, the main attraction for me was the forest itself. Vividly colourful apart from the omnipresent green and a variety of terrain... We found ourselves driven through shrubbery, tall grass glistening golden in the first rays of the sun, the mountain river in the middle of the forest, small hillocks and open grassland with hundreds of deer grazing merrily. The forest is so alive, even when you do not sight a single animal, there is a sense of them being there, watching you curiously at first, then getting back to their life with boredom of having seen it before.
Highlights of the safari included a deer alarm call, when a tiger was supposedly very near and our driver tried frantically to facilitate a sighting. We also saw fresh paw marks made on top of tyre marks that were not more than an hour or so old, but the shy beast remained elusively our of sight. We did manage to get a good dekko at some wild tuskers though. That it was a big group of elephants gathered near the river's edge, was evident because of the rustling and shaking of trees till quite a distance.
Heading back, I found myself not a trifle disappointed at not being able to actually see a tiger, the forest was enough to make its presence felt.
And so, the first part of our weekend ended as we boarded our car and headed off towards a quiet lake destination, Bhimtal.

Change, no change

Hmm... Another few days pass. For the first time here, work was really hectic and that became the reason for no posts here rather than my usual lethargy. This week is ending nicely with no work on the friday, a rock show on campus and finally me writing something.

The last three weeks have seen me hanging out mostly with my theatre club people... watching movies, shaking a leg at discs, and having loads of fun singing, dancing and playing games. Feels good, as if i'm back at college.

Reading "tuesdays with Morrie" currently, and liking it. Despite putting across predictable thoughts and "the way to live" stuff, the book does that in a refreshing manner.

Haven't been spending too much time with myself, and although it does help in keeping too many emotional outbursts in check, I would still like to get that time when I can just spend it with myself, reading, listening to music, thinking... but not too much!

There are few changes about to occur in the next couple of months. A job change followed by a change of residence, or vice versa. Its good, keep changing to avoid the rut setting in.

Flutter

And so another person wants to enter your life. I am actually trying to be modest, so i'll leave the major part of a messenger conversation i had with this new female friend of mine. "Such a good guy as you should be with a good girl". Ya sure, whatdya know.

But sometimes it does start getting to you. Questions of the kind "Why not give it a shot?"; "Maybe its destiny trying to say something"; "Maybe its the solution you are looking for, one that will make you truly happy forever?" and others like these suddenly arise in the back of your mind.

But i have learnt my lessons in the past. Never fool yourself into believing that you are what you are not, and that you feel what you don't. In a world where people make a habit of fooling themselves about their feelings and beliefs over and over again, for their entire lives even, this is the least you can achieve by not falling in the same trap. And so its not gonna happen again, there would be no expression of interest from my side to make her think of anything between us.

Sigh, but i still say that the simplicity of believing in something and sticking to it, right or wrong, actual or fake, is what can make you happy. Letting yourself question beliefs and explore options brings pain, so be ready for it.

Diversity

God i have been working with people in all kinds of geographical settings!

Last time this happened was in Vienna, with our team comprising of people from Austrian, Indian, German, French, American and Hungarian backgrounds. But at least everyone was working out of the same location, and while interacting with them, you could see their facial expressions and body languages, quite important a part of a complete interaction.

Currently i am working with people based out of Singapore, Shanghai, California, Houston, Puerto Rico and Dubai apart from Bangalore. As a result, my timings are neatly assaulted with requirement for availability ranging from 6 in the morning to 9.30 at night!

But i have always relished this diversity in interacting with a mixed group. Even though being under the same corporate umbrella means that there is an underlying commonness in the communication, slight variations and nuances almost definitely creep in. And of course, there are the diverse non-HP partners, with their own peculiarities. The way they communicate starting from a simple hello to goodbye, the way they portray excitement or conservativeness, the way they are confused about which name to address the person with, or whether its a "He" or "She"; its very amusing and quite a learning experience too!

2005

This past year was one of those which see you experience more, learn more,.... grow more.

It started with beginning to experience what was to be the most fulfilling, delightful, ecstatic yet painful emotions i had ever experienced. It all began one fine late night with a chat; A stranger, a thrill of search, unanswered questions, an urge to fill the void - all contributing to venture on the path. The path that was to be laid with roses, hiding all thorns that were a part of the package. Soon, that voice, those ideas, that pain, that promise, all started to appear so wonderful, so romantic. The twinkle in the eye, the sweet smile, the child-like look, the non-stop banter... i had met my darling.

Thank goodness I met him after i had already done my preparations for interviews. And so I appeared for a couple of companies recruiting on campus, and got through mine without much headache. But thereafter, it was him and nothing else. Regular friends were sidelined, fun at parties compromised, studies and projects completed with utter disinterest... so much so that the final semester examinations were literally scraped through by me.

His was a new world for me. A world i hadn't planned to become so integral a part of. A world characterised by duplicity, casual sex and surprisingly, a search for love, everywhere, without fail. I met new people, new friends.

Bangalore happened. Staying alone after a while. Not too much a problem, i still manage to survive like that with quite a certain degree of success.

The first three months here were characterised by discovering what it could be like to live with a partner, in the 6+2+4=12 days we spent together out of a total of 90. And what it could be like to fall over and over in love after each meeting of ours. And what it could be like to start despairing as you watched yourself go on the path, and the thorns beginning to show up rapidly and menacingly, as the flowers became even more intoxicating and the feeling more addictive. They were also characterised by spending much time with a girl here, trying to convince myself that the convenient duplicity could be brought conveniently into my own life as well, of course unsuccessfully. A lot of drama that followed may have been avoided had I had taken a firm stance with her from the beginning.

Then came my new friends; starting with telling my roommate from college about me, and letting myself be slightly surprised when he too admitted to his attraction towards men. Since then we became ever so much more close as friends, coz now there was so much more to share, open our hearts, our joys, our sorrows, a whole new facet of our lives.

A friend, the lone guy i met through chat in all that time, a heart-of-gold person whose sincerity and sweetness was all to die for, and now we've gotten to be the best of buddies. Thats destiny for you, makes you cross paths with complete strangers from a different dimension, and makes them a part of life.

Another guy, my senior from school!... now a great friend and confidante. There is so much one can share with friends, you can be totally yourself, something that even a relationship does not completely permit. Thoughts like these and many others are his and i feel delighted to be able to learn so much from them.

My senior from college (again!) who i am beginning to admire with the passing of each day, for that simple charm and a warm, comforting presence. I wish him continuing loads of love from his boyfriend forever...

More friends and a couple of new faces on the horizon wind up my 2005, an year that was so important to me professionally, wherein I was lucky to reap what I had set out for achieving out of my MBA, and year that I would never ever be able to forget personally. The year of first love.

Faces

Writing after such a long time. Seemed to have lost any and all ideas of what to put here. Coz much as we would like to believe otherwise, things change only very slowly. And the changes that I am witnessing, even experiencing, are taking their own sweet time to reflect.

Have been seeing a lot of nice faces lately. Be it at the party on friday...well it was good that I decided to go. Had a nice time dancing with friends and just meeting and chatting with some by-now familiar faces. The long lonely walk trying to find an auto late at night was the only dampner, but since I was quite ready for it, kind of humoured myself out of feeling too hopeless.

The skit on Romeo and Juliet on saturday was quite an experience as well. There are quite a few amusing memories associated with rehearsing for the play, like staying back at office till 1, and ending up singing loudly and dancing rather than rehearsing for the play. Also feeling damn attracted towards someone under the full moon chilly night in the open, realising quite well that there is no reciprocation at all from the other side and feeling pretty miserable about it. Why do I keep forgetting nowadays that there is only a 1 in 10 chance that the guy may return that look? But it is quite exciting anyway, and so I go about the business quite unabashedly. There isn't any agenda to all of this anyway, is there?
The high point of the play experience for me, however, was actually going and interacting with the people at the old home where we performed. The joy and laughter i witnessed had no fakeness about it, and it just felt so good that even if for an hour or two, we guys could help those people get distracted from their personal voids; so easily visible in the depth of their eyes.

And so many faces keep crossing you at MG, looking, glancing, sometimes making your heart skip a beat and getting lost in the crowd as they pass you. Standing at Planet M window, looking down at all the crowd teeming at that place, I couldnt help feeling absolutely wanting to run away from all of it. For just a whiff of fresh air, if nothing more.

And so yet another weekend ended, me looking eagerly towards my vacation at home, as eagerly as just looking for the monday to begin and give me minimum possible time to think at all.

Home sweet home

As i listen to the lilting melody of Kenny G's rendition of "My heart will go on", there is a renewed zest and feeling of general well-being. The music does nothing but stimulate the underlying feeling of excitement, of going home after 6 months. This by far is the longest time i've been away ever.

I shifted (or rather was made to shift) to a different role within HP, in another location, another practice. The desire to leave here for wont of good work is increasing by the day. As soon as it flows over the brim, i will start looking. There is no work as yet, however that never being able to bother me too much, i am awaiting some kind of responsibilities, growth and yes, some overseas travel if at all.

There is a feeling that 9 days shall be too short a time at home, yet there is a fear that i no longer belong there. The journey that my life has begun to undertake does not take the same path my parents intend me to take. The joy is in to be lost and to be found again, by yourself.

So close no matter how far...

Someone is home, and i am in office. Someone is waiting, and i can't wait. I must go now, and nothing else matters.

Never opened myself this way... Wrong to say i never wanted to please anyone before, in fact i like to make those who matter to me feel really special. But never have i felt these sensations for anyone, never have i felt so looking forward to silly, simple, special moments.

Yes, our life is ours... we live our life our way. And how untrue is that.

Trust i seek and i find in you...

And i find all the love you give me too...

Forever discovering something new...

And nothing else now matters.

Everyday starts something new... I havent planned anything for the next five days, but they are nevertheless going to be as amazing and intoxicating as all the previous times. I want to throw in a few surprises here and there... lets see :)

Never care for what they do... never care for what they know...

Never care if they discover the love that did not dare speak its name. Never care if they turn back horrified from my doorstep and never see me again.

Because i know... i know from the core of my heart this is what i want to do.

Forever trust in who we are.... the moment is ours.

The Daily Grind

So whats been happening? Let us see. Finished the Great Train Robbery yesterday, liked it and wanted so much to be Edward Pierce, the inimitable genius crook who lives for the thrill of living itself. Have yet again failed to put all the free time available to "good" i.e. career-oriented use. Haven't been that callous though, and whatever I have been upto, I have been gathering a quiet confidence. Only I hope that it is not shallow and completely unfounded later.

There isn't much physical activity as well, on whichever fronts it may be possible to have it. That isn't too great a concern either, since I have consciously made up my mind to keep in shape as the years catch up (wrote this at the cost of sounding a 50 year old, nonetheless) , and I would catch up on gym or similar activities to that effect.

Bangalore is evoking mixed responses nowadays, now that I have gotten used to the beats and the rythms of the city. Weekday mornings are usually glorious (Cool Summer Sunshine!!) and I like the drive to my office despite all the traffic, especially the later stretch of broad roads and lush greenery near the city's central districts. There, it is almost Delhi with all the heat, dust and grime done away with.

Office is predictable and boring, but comfortable. It is all fine, only that if some good work doesn't come my way for long, I may lose my precious sanity and would then have to be deported to Nimhans, the asylum. Not a promising thought indeed.

Then there are the evenings, unexciting and predictable, amiable yet uninspiring at times.

Weekends are good though, especially if they are chalk-a-block full of planned activity even before you begin them.

Shouldn't there be more to life than just this? A higher meaning, for a greater good? Well, for the moment, its lunchtime and I'm hungry.

Happy

Have felt quite good since the last blog. Quite inexplicably, things are looking brighter and i feel happier. Now i can try and relate this to the funda of happiness that i read the other day, and in hindsight it definitely seems to fit.

I am now in much better state of acceptance; that the current moment of love is special and must be enjoyed. If there is pain or dissonance in the current moment, it must be dealt with. But if your future is causing you pain and dissonance, then it is definitely not worth it. Because the future is changing all the time, only the current moment is here and real, and one should never lose it.
And of course, my decisions now aren't defining my future at all. When such future defining decisions will need to be made, i may get more cautious. But then, i guess i have consciously decided that no decision of mine shall i let become "future-defining"; because the current moments in my future should not carry the burden of my past decisions, and i shall live each moment independently.

So in this understanding, i have found that it is indeed possible for me to control my emotions and my behaviour as the external uncontrollables change. If i manage to keep doing it, i shall remain ok. Of course, the situation many times gets the better of you and everybody hurts and cries. Only that it should not become a habit.

Salaam Namaste

Yet another week begins, not with a bang, but a whimper. There is yet another resolution created. Career should take a front seat now, it has been long neglected, and I dont want to leave myself facing employability issues. And though writing this blog serves absolutely no purpose towards that end, I guess it doesn't really cause too much harm either.

Watched a flick called "Salaam Namaste" on the weekend. Through the regular feel-good, modern, sexy "new indians" images emerged a sensibility that possibilities are always there. People do live the way they want to and decide to, and then time may prove their decisions as right or wrong. Anyways, what is right and what is wrong? No decision is perfect, perfection of life lies in the imperfectness of it all.

Existence is at the core, the individual needs to be in harmony with it. There are too many questions but no readymade answers. And there is an overwhelming sense of despair. what am i looking for... comfort??, excitement??, touch??, new experiences?? peace?? I have no answers and I am losing hope of finding them anywhere externally. I shall have to turn inwards and ask myself what i want, coz life shall never offer all that I want on a platter, it will expect some compromises made. But I don't believe in the "compromise formula" theory without knowing actually what I want, I won't compromise to sustain an imperfect situation.

The future really is troublesome, one should not live in it. But there are decisions to be made, and I will have to make them, and they shall affect my future. But hey, though they will affect my future, but situations will always be dynamic. A wrong momentary decision should always be able to be offset by a seemingly correct decision later if need be. And thats how life should proceed, never stuck up in your past or governed by past decisions, never afraid of the future or making decisions for the future. Otherwise you will only plan life or learn from life, never actually live life.