Crazy

"But we're never gonna survive unless,
We get a little crazy."
- Words from my current favorite Crazy by Alanis Morrisette.

Hmm, no we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy. Its great when we are a little crazy isn't it? And what do crazy people do? They do crazy things of course. Like laugh or cry for no reason, sing (or dance) in the middle of a packed train, smile and wink at whoever they are attracted to, talk to their friends at top volume in the cafe for four hours so everyone in the place is tuned into their conversation, do a tap dance on the bar (or disco, or bhangra), go exploring a deserted under-construction house after dark for any inhabitants, jump a safe distance from one balcony to the adjacent one on the twentieth floor, kiss strangers anywhere, think that anything is possible...
So we're never gonna survive, coz we are not even a little crazy, or are we?

"In a world full of people, only some want to fly.
Isn't that crazy?"

Block

Just dont' know what to write.
About the goings on in the last few weeks, about issues, about anything in general, about what...
Keep logging in and logging out of this blog.
How pathetic am I.

Night of the curtain

Twisting, writhing, yawning,
the images flicker on.
The zombie rocks, to a slow rythm
the glint of metal falls.
The sun wouldn't dare delay,
its ways are absolute truth.
But what if the curtain is drawn?
What if the truth is but to brood?
Things dealt and done with,
Are always higher than the dreams,
But dreams are inside your curtains,
and dark images are mine it seems.

One life

There is this life, and then there are more,
who knows.
I know, you know, so I know too.
Unfair, short, unclear, undeniably exciting,
this isnt what its supposed to be.
Where are you when I wake and sigh.
Are those the beats?
Or is it just me, high.
We do things what we tell ourselves not to,
and then there's addiction.
We are shamed whether or not we ought to,
you are already on the middle page dear,
dont close it now, what did u expect?
this is what it is, non-fiction.

Chuck India

Yuvraj singh gets 1 crore rupees for one over of hitting! All poor scores in past overlooked and one can only sense the oncoming bashing from Australia.
In so many senses, seeing the attitude of players on field (it was appaling in the Australia match, they totally acted like men who know they won by fluke) and all funds and sponsorships diverted from all other sports to one (where by the way we rank 7th out of 8),it seems like a loss more than a gain for the future.

Desperate

So empty, so hollow,
the tide of time eats the shell.
In a way, you say
this is life.
Desperate,
I rush to agree.
When was it?
When I last tasted fresh water.
Why do I hear nothing?
The bellowing conk,
the ocean within.
A dream passes
A dream begins.

Could have been

1st august 2007,
As i gaze out of my window overlooking the thames with trains rolling into the london bridge station and the london eye slowly rotating away endlessly in a distance, i just realize its august of 2007 already.

I shall soon be 28. And going by plans that I had when I was turning 25, I should have had a wedding date fixed for this winter.

How would the scenario have been? I would have returned home to Delhi late Nov, with the marriage scheduled for Dec 1st week. Mum Dad would have frantically frisked me off to the nearest tailor to get alterations done for the ill-fitting suits prepared in my absence. Bro would have arrived well in advance for the wedding, but would have had to rush back soon after and prepare for his third trimester exams. He wouldn't really have been too happy with the marriage timing, but of course could not have done much as the inauspicious "saya" would have not allowed any other dates for the event to take place.

There would be the usual stream of pre-marriage ceremonies and relatives pouring in from everywhere, and the d-day would soon arrive and go without anybody realizing. After a couple of days the family would finally sit and, relaxing for the first time in days, would marvel at how much was managed and accomplished at such short notice, and thank god for being kind enough to see the proceedings go along nicely.

I would have probably had an extension of the project back here, and so would have had to rush here, even as the wife applied for her visa, complaining how she was being made to leave her secure job and friendly colleagues, but also thrilled a little at how living in London would be like, and that she could take it easy at least for a few months before finding a job, and at least boast to her friends back home about a honeymoon in scotland.

I would have hunted for a 1 BHK here, in a decent locality, not too desi / not too english. I would've booked a sky tv package taking care it should play star plus, so she doesn't miss India, as it was actually the only request made by the in-laws.

She would arrive soon, complaining about the sari she was made to wear by my mom which made her flight so uncomfortable, but would be relieved to hear that many women actually do go around in a sari over here, and it is not considered too out-of-place anymore.

Soon it would have been a rather hectic hotch-potch of office, groceries, dinners, interspersed with sex, outings and meeting up other couples.

Traveling in the tube, standing close to each other, I would have thought and smiled to myself, how I was unnecessarily scared of marriage. It was turning out fine, we were doing well and there didn't appear any major issues, all initial hiccups were now settling.

And then..... As that perfume would have hit my nostrils, I would have turned back to see who it was wearing a nice male EDT that I remembered looking at, at Harrods sale only last weekend. My eyes would have fell on that chest, peeking from under his open button T, with his nips faintly outlined from under the body hugging fabric. His longish hair would have been slightly dishevelled, standing out from the close crop that everyone was carrying now in London, including me. His blue eyes would be looking in the other direction, and as the complete beauty of his gradually sank into me, they would shift their gaze onto me. And in those seconds when our gazes locked, and I noticed a faint smile on his lips, I would have died.

Viva-aah

Why do people get into an arranged marriage? Why doesn't everyone find their own soulmate and then get married?

Is it because they are afraid of major decisions in life? That they will be fully responsible for any marital "failure" with no one else to blame?

Well... loving someone takes a lot of your emotional energy, time and nurturing and compromising and dreaming and believing. It is complicated and you have to devote urself. People don't have that much time and courage. They want to "get over with it" and "carry on with life". They want a framework, a template to live in, with milestones set by parents, society that they just have to follow. Simple right? They can do it their eyes closed.

So why make an investment to love someone?

(Excerpts from a conversation with MK)

Romancing the desert

The afternoon drive to our desert camp was short and soon we could see camel-wallahs sitting right next to the road, and seeking customers to ride their camels. But we had instructions to drive right up to the camp on a dirt track. The camp was quite huge, and we had a nice big carpeted tent, with running-water tiled bathrooms and even a rajput warrior-helmet shaped lamp. I was not expecting the camp tents to be so large, complete with a wooden table and chairs, let alone provision of electricity. But since this was turning out to be a royal luxury trip anyway, I decided to be pleasantly surprised, instead of putting across a characteristic crib about the facilities being an over-kill and against the spirit of adventure. Actually I quite loved the camp.

Soon I found myself mounting Rocket, our camel, to take us to the sand dunes, with Anurag sitting right behind me, and Anuj and Manish on Rocket's brother behind us. We had a camel-of-a-time during the short half-hour journey to the dunes. Contrary to popular opinion, I find the camel quite an amusing and entertaining creature in its own way. The perpetual smirk on its face and couldn't-care-less attitude makes it quite a case study. It's bite on being irritated is said to be quite painful though...

We reached the dunes when it was still some time to sunset. So as a pasttime, and on suggestion from our guides Sattaarbhai and Saif, Anuj and I decided to race our camels. Now this was adventure! Rocket huffed and puffed, and I wildly went up and down on his back, with his rein in my hand, as he raced quite comfortably in the sand. One can compare it to sitting on horse back, only this horse has a huge hump, is fifty percent taller and attempts to throw you in each and every different direction with every step he races. Of course all guidance to the camel and crucial pulls on the rein were coming from Sattarbhai sitting behind me.

After these thrills there was time to enjoy some folk music and dance, A group of local musicians wanted to put up a performance and we readily obliged. So we listened to some earthy folk as two cute kids danced in their traditional ghaghras, and soon Anurag couldn't resist joining them for a thumka or two, and all of us cheered on excitedly. As the performers left us cheerful and happily singing our favourite songs, we sat back and waited for the fast approaching sunset. I looked around the sand-dunes and noticed they were not really big as compared to the ones we watch on TV, but those are the ones from bigger deserts like Sahara. I'm sure even the Thar would have really large dunes, but only if one ventures quite into its interior.

The sun soon turned into a red ball, and sat nicely as a beautiful red globe on the horizon, soon slipping into oblivion, and left us sighing with the romance inducing enigmatic imagery in front of our eyes.

The golden city of Rajasthan

Next morning brought with it a bright sun and crisp cool air, perfect for our day of glory in the middle of the enchanted desert destination. After a quick tour of the hotel property, we packed our bags and set out for a closer look at the famed Mehrangarh fort and havelis of jaisalmer.

The fort is the only "living" fort in India, in the sense that there are around 2000 houses inside the fort itself and people actually live there to this date.By the time we reached, the sun was quite bright and we were wondering how scorching it would be in summer! On entering the fort, we suddenly found ourselves in a different world altogether. The stoned pathway had majestic fortwalls rising on either side. The pathway was littered by colourful shops on both sides. Most were selling rajasathani handicraft - colourful "pagdis", statues, hangings, tinkrets, clothes, bags, jewellery, all nice and bright and obviously aimed at targeting foreign tourists with Indian exotica. The light tones of folk music wafted through the air, and I felt the magic in my heart become real in the surroundings around me.

We hired a guide to take us around as we had limited time on hand, else I would have just wanted to roam about the fort at leisure. In fact the best idea for anyone going to Jaisalmer is to book a hotel inside the fort itself. There are dozens of them inside there, and I am sure they would be offering competitive rates upon haggling, as they do to the hordes of backpackers that throng from europe with long itenararies and little money to spend carelessly. The guide took us to a couple of Jain temples. These reminded me a lot of the temples in the Jagannath temple complex at Puri with small dark mysterious looking chambers, exquisite carvings in the stone and an overall peaceful atmosphere. The whole of Mehrangarh fort is a structure created by assembling blocks of stone, so there is no cement binding the construction material. Of course it has perfectly stood the test of time, like the pyramids which are similar structures, only much grander and ancient.

The king's palace inside the fort is now a museum, and the guide took us through four floors showing us the king's courts "Diwaan-e-aam","Diwaan-e-khaas", the courtesan's dancing chambers, queen's private chambers, the rang mahal containing gold plated wall paintings, weaponry, and the terrace offering a beautiful view of the golden city and surrounding desert. We descended back into the alleys and moved on to the Havelis nearby. The Patwa Haveli was available to view from inside, and presented a peek into the wealthy old days of Jaisalmer's rich merchants who stayed in these havelis and made a living out of trading gold, cloth and opium with the persian and afghan traders from the west. The havelis must have been tastefully decorated and the common areas like the kitchen where particularly impressive.

Moving out, Anuj tried on some pagdis and dhotis at the shops and we even checked out the leather bags and colorful wooden showpieces, but did not pick up anything. Thus ended our tour of the Jaisalmer city and fort, and it was time to head for a desert camp and a camel safari towards the evening.

Rajasthan - Destination Jaisalmer

Day 1

After a lot of characteristic dilly-dallying, I told Anurag that we must head out to Rajasthan, and not go rafting again, as frankly the adventure and excitement of braving the ganga rapids was majorly being overshadowed by the prospect of being near cold water and a lot of exertion just after getting up from illness.

Manish had already announced that he was coming along, irrespective of the destination. And on the last day, Anuj gave his confirmation as well. So it was to be the 4 of us heading for a 3-day culture-heritage desert trip, in the exact opposite direction from where 8 of us were supposed to head for the adventure rafting camp. Destination choices were Jodhpur, Jaisalmer and Bikaner. Anurag had been to Bikaner before, and Jodhpur was not really "desert", and so not the typical mental picture of Rajasthan, so Jaisalmer it was to be.

We started early as Delhi-Jaisalmer is a good 14 hours by road. We were driving Anurag's Ford Fiesta, and I was really quite excited and looking forward to driving all the way, with Manish to share the wheel in turns. The roads did not disappoint us at all. All national highways in Rajasthan offer an extremely smooth journey where you can clock real highway speeds. As Delhi gets left behind further and further, the landscape changes face as well. It becomes increasingly arid and the yellow of mud starts to stand out as the pre-dominant colour.

Stopping by near Bikaner for lunch, we reached Jaisalmer only by nightfall. The road between Bikaner and Jaisalmer deserves a special mention. It reminded me of the Hollywood thriller movies with a mid-western backdrop. A huge barren expanse, where the visibility on the road can extend to 25 km. No civilization next to the highway for miles and miles on end, and your are tempted to touch dangerous speeds.

The hotel at jaisalmer was nice big one (courtesy Anurag as usual) with both the exteriors and the interiors done up like a fort. The view of the city from our room window was impressive and after dinner, the four of us strolled out to admire the spectacularly lit fort visible in a distance. All the houses in the city were lit mostly in yellow light, which accentuated the golden brown look of the city. We decided to sleep off the travel weariness to be fresh the next day of exploring the magnificence of Jaisalmer.

Nishabd

Chahne walon ne mujhe dekha...., kaha jiyo zindagi
Ghoom aaya hun mele mein...., ghar sunsaan sa kyon hai?

Life. Not an abyss. Not a dream.
No thoughts.
Just desires...

Tring Tring

Long live telephone conversations. So addictive, there are so many of us who just cannot get off the phone.
A junior colleague of mine talks endlessly over the company land line phone or his own mobile. And when I say endlessly, it is no exaggeration. This guy speaks on the phone for atleast 6 hours while in office! He is on bench and that usually means you are without work for most of your working hours. It is clear that mostly he talks to his boyfriend/girlfriend, cause he talks in a hushed tone, keeps giggling, kissing, or getting sentimental in between. I have tried to remind him at times of the harm to his career growth these conversations are having, but he doesnt appeared too bothered with all that. I'm sure the telephone conversation is a newly acquired craze, as is the person he's talking to, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to clear entrance to get into IITKanpur.
And then there is this acquaintance who goes to sleep every night talking over the phone, so much so that he just tucks his phone under his head on the pillow, and slowly dozes off as he speaks over the phone!! I pity the poor people on the other end who suddenly are subjected to snores instead of the conversation that they were supposed to be having...lol
And I am no better. I've been spending almost a couple of hours everyday during office hours on phone :) Even though I think about postponing conversations to night (or during the car ride back home), it doesnt end up happening... Addictions, addictions, we just keep adding them to our lists, don't we?

What next?

This year I look forward to travelling. I want to make this year the most "active" for me ever. Not that last year was not active too, I had an amazing amount of things happening at both personal and professional fronts, and I went through all emotions and thoughts swaying from one end of the spectrum to the other, as also travelled places and made friends. So this year I want to carry it further by doing things I have wanted to, and not just sit and keep thinking about them.
My parents still hold their observant silence about the whole thing, and though every now and then they keep giving an indication that they are not going to "let things be" so easily, they accept more about me and my behaviour every single day, and I fell less pressurized and obligated.
So one of the things in the agenda is to call a friend, and then maybe a group of friends, over at home for dinner/movie. I have been so wanting to do something like that ever since I shifted back home, and it will also help me gauge the reaction of my folks.
But the most important thing that I have decided to undertake with my own life is to lessen ambiguity. To understand and accept situations and people around me, and my interactions with them, and to actually behave accordingly. To check my innate, or maybe conditioned, desire of being nice and thus being liked by everyone, if I have to. Do some things just on my own sometimes, feeling content and happy just being with myself, and not even aware of people around.

Re-appearing shortly

So many things in mind and now its time to be back....