The Daily Grind

So whats been happening? Let us see. Finished the Great Train Robbery yesterday, liked it and wanted so much to be Edward Pierce, the inimitable genius crook who lives for the thrill of living itself. Have yet again failed to put all the free time available to "good" i.e. career-oriented use. Haven't been that callous though, and whatever I have been upto, I have been gathering a quiet confidence. Only I hope that it is not shallow and completely unfounded later.

There isn't much physical activity as well, on whichever fronts it may be possible to have it. That isn't too great a concern either, since I have consciously made up my mind to keep in shape as the years catch up (wrote this at the cost of sounding a 50 year old, nonetheless) , and I would catch up on gym or similar activities to that effect.

Bangalore is evoking mixed responses nowadays, now that I have gotten used to the beats and the rythms of the city. Weekday mornings are usually glorious (Cool Summer Sunshine!!) and I like the drive to my office despite all the traffic, especially the later stretch of broad roads and lush greenery near the city's central districts. There, it is almost Delhi with all the heat, dust and grime done away with.

Office is predictable and boring, but comfortable. It is all fine, only that if some good work doesn't come my way for long, I may lose my precious sanity and would then have to be deported to Nimhans, the asylum. Not a promising thought indeed.

Then there are the evenings, unexciting and predictable, amiable yet uninspiring at times.

Weekends are good though, especially if they are chalk-a-block full of planned activity even before you begin them.

Shouldn't there be more to life than just this? A higher meaning, for a greater good? Well, for the moment, its lunchtime and I'm hungry.

Happy

Have felt quite good since the last blog. Quite inexplicably, things are looking brighter and i feel happier. Now i can try and relate this to the funda of happiness that i read the other day, and in hindsight it definitely seems to fit.

I am now in much better state of acceptance; that the current moment of love is special and must be enjoyed. If there is pain or dissonance in the current moment, it must be dealt with. But if your future is causing you pain and dissonance, then it is definitely not worth it. Because the future is changing all the time, only the current moment is here and real, and one should never lose it.
And of course, my decisions now aren't defining my future at all. When such future defining decisions will need to be made, i may get more cautious. But then, i guess i have consciously decided that no decision of mine shall i let become "future-defining"; because the current moments in my future should not carry the burden of my past decisions, and i shall live each moment independently.

So in this understanding, i have found that it is indeed possible for me to control my emotions and my behaviour as the external uncontrollables change. If i manage to keep doing it, i shall remain ok. Of course, the situation many times gets the better of you and everybody hurts and cries. Only that it should not become a habit.

Salaam Namaste

Yet another week begins, not with a bang, but a whimper. There is yet another resolution created. Career should take a front seat now, it has been long neglected, and I dont want to leave myself facing employability issues. And though writing this blog serves absolutely no purpose towards that end, I guess it doesn't really cause too much harm either.

Watched a flick called "Salaam Namaste" on the weekend. Through the regular feel-good, modern, sexy "new indians" images emerged a sensibility that possibilities are always there. People do live the way they want to and decide to, and then time may prove their decisions as right or wrong. Anyways, what is right and what is wrong? No decision is perfect, perfection of life lies in the imperfectness of it all.

Existence is at the core, the individual needs to be in harmony with it. There are too many questions but no readymade answers. And there is an overwhelming sense of despair. what am i looking for... comfort??, excitement??, touch??, new experiences?? peace?? I have no answers and I am losing hope of finding them anywhere externally. I shall have to turn inwards and ask myself what i want, coz life shall never offer all that I want on a platter, it will expect some compromises made. But I don't believe in the "compromise formula" theory without knowing actually what I want, I won't compromise to sustain an imperfect situation.

The future really is troublesome, one should not live in it. But there are decisions to be made, and I will have to make them, and they shall affect my future. But hey, though they will affect my future, but situations will always be dynamic. A wrong momentary decision should always be able to be offset by a seemingly correct decision later if need be. And thats how life should proceed, never stuck up in your past or governed by past decisions, never afraid of the future or making decisions for the future. Otherwise you will only plan life or learn from life, never actually live life.