Purpose

Such mixed, varied state of emotions. I can't understand things any longer. Actually I understand everything and nothing at the same time.
There is no 'purpose' to life. That is fine. The only way to realise anything is to realise that there is no purpose.
There is a will to live. To survive first, then live, then be happy if there is time and resources.
I've changed so much. I was a kid with a purpose. I was a good kid with a purpose. Obedient, intelligent and very understanding. I was adventurous and comfortable left alone. Very intuitive yet very methodical. Not creative. Actually, nothing has changed. Only there is no 'purpose' strong enough. And that has gone mostly with waning of parental influence.
My heart tingles with excitement in dark quiet alleys, it has always done, even as a kid. Every morning and evening, I love walking by and gazing at the river, as if its something new. Even as people whizz by not noticing or caring if they were crossing a bridge with silver water, gulls and pretty boats, or crossing an underground tunnel. I look at the vast sky, golden orange tinge of the setting sun behind the clouds and want to jump up and over the farthest cloud. It remains as fuckin pretty as ever.

Thought to myself today - "Life is short, but nothing needs to be done about it"

Simply complicated

Got drunk for the second time in my entire life at Kali this Friday. Last time was 4 years ago in the beginning of second year at mba. Thankfully had friends around this time as well to rescue me. But this is something that I am not going to repeat ever, it isn't half as fun when you get silly on the dance floor and then next morning try hard to remember half the things that happened the previous night. A big complications hazard!
Was reminded of the movie 'Sunday' with the poor girl not able to remember what happened to her the entire night and the following day. (Good concept, badly directed movie though)

On the topic of movies, saw XXY on thursday night. Its an Argentinian movie about a 15 year old hermaphrodite who struggles to come to terms with her/his sexual identity, and the dilemma of her parents. Quite a heavy movie, set in Uruguay. Liked it a lot, and not just for the fact that it, in a way, gave a reassuring feeling that our lives are so much simple as compared to so many others in the world.

Which brings me to my self-quote of the day, which I told myself first thing in the morning today - "Thinking is dangerous". It causes migraine and digestive disorders and erectile dysfunction, which by themselves are as irritating a complication as any.

Gabriel...

I am what I am...

Things that made me happy today-
1. The carnations that I brought for Gaura-Nitai and also placed some in my window.
2. Great stir-fry I had for dinner :-)
3. Lunch with Lukes at Little Italy, gossip and heart-2-heart revelations :-)

Things that made me sad-
1. That I was getting angry (and therefore keeping quiet in frustration) on phone with Anu when I shouldn't have. The last thing he needs right now is me making his life difficult.