2005

This past year was one of those which see you experience more, learn more,.... grow more.

It started with beginning to experience what was to be the most fulfilling, delightful, ecstatic yet painful emotions i had ever experienced. It all began one fine late night with a chat; A stranger, a thrill of search, unanswered questions, an urge to fill the void - all contributing to venture on the path. The path that was to be laid with roses, hiding all thorns that were a part of the package. Soon, that voice, those ideas, that pain, that promise, all started to appear so wonderful, so romantic. The twinkle in the eye, the sweet smile, the child-like look, the non-stop banter... i had met my darling.

Thank goodness I met him after i had already done my preparations for interviews. And so I appeared for a couple of companies recruiting on campus, and got through mine without much headache. But thereafter, it was him and nothing else. Regular friends were sidelined, fun at parties compromised, studies and projects completed with utter disinterest... so much so that the final semester examinations were literally scraped through by me.

His was a new world for me. A world i hadn't planned to become so integral a part of. A world characterised by duplicity, casual sex and surprisingly, a search for love, everywhere, without fail. I met new people, new friends.

Bangalore happened. Staying alone after a while. Not too much a problem, i still manage to survive like that with quite a certain degree of success.

The first three months here were characterised by discovering what it could be like to live with a partner, in the 6+2+4=12 days we spent together out of a total of 90. And what it could be like to fall over and over in love after each meeting of ours. And what it could be like to start despairing as you watched yourself go on the path, and the thorns beginning to show up rapidly and menacingly, as the flowers became even more intoxicating and the feeling more addictive. They were also characterised by spending much time with a girl here, trying to convince myself that the convenient duplicity could be brought conveniently into my own life as well, of course unsuccessfully. A lot of drama that followed may have been avoided had I had taken a firm stance with her from the beginning.

Then came my new friends; starting with telling my roommate from college about me, and letting myself be slightly surprised when he too admitted to his attraction towards men. Since then we became ever so much more close as friends, coz now there was so much more to share, open our hearts, our joys, our sorrows, a whole new facet of our lives.

A friend, the lone guy i met through chat in all that time, a heart-of-gold person whose sincerity and sweetness was all to die for, and now we've gotten to be the best of buddies. Thats destiny for you, makes you cross paths with complete strangers from a different dimension, and makes them a part of life.

Another guy, my senior from school!... now a great friend and confidante. There is so much one can share with friends, you can be totally yourself, something that even a relationship does not completely permit. Thoughts like these and many others are his and i feel delighted to be able to learn so much from them.

My senior from college (again!) who i am beginning to admire with the passing of each day, for that simple charm and a warm, comforting presence. I wish him continuing loads of love from his boyfriend forever...

More friends and a couple of new faces on the horizon wind up my 2005, an year that was so important to me professionally, wherein I was lucky to reap what I had set out for achieving out of my MBA, and year that I would never ever be able to forget personally. The year of first love.

Faces

Writing after such a long time. Seemed to have lost any and all ideas of what to put here. Coz much as we would like to believe otherwise, things change only very slowly. And the changes that I am witnessing, even experiencing, are taking their own sweet time to reflect.

Have been seeing a lot of nice faces lately. Be it at the party on friday...well it was good that I decided to go. Had a nice time dancing with friends and just meeting and chatting with some by-now familiar faces. The long lonely walk trying to find an auto late at night was the only dampner, but since I was quite ready for it, kind of humoured myself out of feeling too hopeless.

The skit on Romeo and Juliet on saturday was quite an experience as well. There are quite a few amusing memories associated with rehearsing for the play, like staying back at office till 1, and ending up singing loudly and dancing rather than rehearsing for the play. Also feeling damn attracted towards someone under the full moon chilly night in the open, realising quite well that there is no reciprocation at all from the other side and feeling pretty miserable about it. Why do I keep forgetting nowadays that there is only a 1 in 10 chance that the guy may return that look? But it is quite exciting anyway, and so I go about the business quite unabashedly. There isn't any agenda to all of this anyway, is there?
The high point of the play experience for me, however, was actually going and interacting with the people at the old home where we performed. The joy and laughter i witnessed had no fakeness about it, and it just felt so good that even if for an hour or two, we guys could help those people get distracted from their personal voids; so easily visible in the depth of their eyes.

And so many faces keep crossing you at MG, looking, glancing, sometimes making your heart skip a beat and getting lost in the crowd as they pass you. Standing at Planet M window, looking down at all the crowd teeming at that place, I couldnt help feeling absolutely wanting to run away from all of it. For just a whiff of fresh air, if nothing more.

And so yet another weekend ended, me looking eagerly towards my vacation at home, as eagerly as just looking for the monday to begin and give me minimum possible time to think at all.

Home sweet home

As i listen to the lilting melody of Kenny G's rendition of "My heart will go on", there is a renewed zest and feeling of general well-being. The music does nothing but stimulate the underlying feeling of excitement, of going home after 6 months. This by far is the longest time i've been away ever.

I shifted (or rather was made to shift) to a different role within HP, in another location, another practice. The desire to leave here for wont of good work is increasing by the day. As soon as it flows over the brim, i will start looking. There is no work as yet, however that never being able to bother me too much, i am awaiting some kind of responsibilities, growth and yes, some overseas travel if at all.

There is a feeling that 9 days shall be too short a time at home, yet there is a fear that i no longer belong there. The journey that my life has begun to undertake does not take the same path my parents intend me to take. The joy is in to be lost and to be found again, by yourself.

So close no matter how far...

Someone is home, and i am in office. Someone is waiting, and i can't wait. I must go now, and nothing else matters.

Never opened myself this way... Wrong to say i never wanted to please anyone before, in fact i like to make those who matter to me feel really special. But never have i felt these sensations for anyone, never have i felt so looking forward to silly, simple, special moments.

Yes, our life is ours... we live our life our way. And how untrue is that.

Trust i seek and i find in you...

And i find all the love you give me too...

Forever discovering something new...

And nothing else now matters.

Everyday starts something new... I havent planned anything for the next five days, but they are nevertheless going to be as amazing and intoxicating as all the previous times. I want to throw in a few surprises here and there... lets see :)

Never care for what they do... never care for what they know...

Never care if they discover the love that did not dare speak its name. Never care if they turn back horrified from my doorstep and never see me again.

Because i know... i know from the core of my heart this is what i want to do.

Forever trust in who we are.... the moment is ours.

The Daily Grind

So whats been happening? Let us see. Finished the Great Train Robbery yesterday, liked it and wanted so much to be Edward Pierce, the inimitable genius crook who lives for the thrill of living itself. Have yet again failed to put all the free time available to "good" i.e. career-oriented use. Haven't been that callous though, and whatever I have been upto, I have been gathering a quiet confidence. Only I hope that it is not shallow and completely unfounded later.

There isn't much physical activity as well, on whichever fronts it may be possible to have it. That isn't too great a concern either, since I have consciously made up my mind to keep in shape as the years catch up (wrote this at the cost of sounding a 50 year old, nonetheless) , and I would catch up on gym or similar activities to that effect.

Bangalore is evoking mixed responses nowadays, now that I have gotten used to the beats and the rythms of the city. Weekday mornings are usually glorious (Cool Summer Sunshine!!) and I like the drive to my office despite all the traffic, especially the later stretch of broad roads and lush greenery near the city's central districts. There, it is almost Delhi with all the heat, dust and grime done away with.

Office is predictable and boring, but comfortable. It is all fine, only that if some good work doesn't come my way for long, I may lose my precious sanity and would then have to be deported to Nimhans, the asylum. Not a promising thought indeed.

Then there are the evenings, unexciting and predictable, amiable yet uninspiring at times.

Weekends are good though, especially if they are chalk-a-block full of planned activity even before you begin them.

Shouldn't there be more to life than just this? A higher meaning, for a greater good? Well, for the moment, its lunchtime and I'm hungry.

Happy

Have felt quite good since the last blog. Quite inexplicably, things are looking brighter and i feel happier. Now i can try and relate this to the funda of happiness that i read the other day, and in hindsight it definitely seems to fit.

I am now in much better state of acceptance; that the current moment of love is special and must be enjoyed. If there is pain or dissonance in the current moment, it must be dealt with. But if your future is causing you pain and dissonance, then it is definitely not worth it. Because the future is changing all the time, only the current moment is here and real, and one should never lose it.
And of course, my decisions now aren't defining my future at all. When such future defining decisions will need to be made, i may get more cautious. But then, i guess i have consciously decided that no decision of mine shall i let become "future-defining"; because the current moments in my future should not carry the burden of my past decisions, and i shall live each moment independently.

So in this understanding, i have found that it is indeed possible for me to control my emotions and my behaviour as the external uncontrollables change. If i manage to keep doing it, i shall remain ok. Of course, the situation many times gets the better of you and everybody hurts and cries. Only that it should not become a habit.

Salaam Namaste

Yet another week begins, not with a bang, but a whimper. There is yet another resolution created. Career should take a front seat now, it has been long neglected, and I dont want to leave myself facing employability issues. And though writing this blog serves absolutely no purpose towards that end, I guess it doesn't really cause too much harm either.

Watched a flick called "Salaam Namaste" on the weekend. Through the regular feel-good, modern, sexy "new indians" images emerged a sensibility that possibilities are always there. People do live the way they want to and decide to, and then time may prove their decisions as right or wrong. Anyways, what is right and what is wrong? No decision is perfect, perfection of life lies in the imperfectness of it all.

Existence is at the core, the individual needs to be in harmony with it. There are too many questions but no readymade answers. And there is an overwhelming sense of despair. what am i looking for... comfort??, excitement??, touch??, new experiences?? peace?? I have no answers and I am losing hope of finding them anywhere externally. I shall have to turn inwards and ask myself what i want, coz life shall never offer all that I want on a platter, it will expect some compromises made. But I don't believe in the "compromise formula" theory without knowing actually what I want, I won't compromise to sustain an imperfect situation.

The future really is troublesome, one should not live in it. But there are decisions to be made, and I will have to make them, and they shall affect my future. But hey, though they will affect my future, but situations will always be dynamic. A wrong momentary decision should always be able to be offset by a seemingly correct decision later if need be. And thats how life should proceed, never stuck up in your past or governed by past decisions, never afraid of the future or making decisions for the future. Otherwise you will only plan life or learn from life, never actually live life.

Expectations

Everyone has them, i do too. Not wet dreams... expectations. I sleep at night advising myself, sometimes even counselling, but mostly just patting softly on the shoulder when the tears refuse to dry up.

Isn't this just perfect! You have a lover. Someone, somewhere thinks about you most of the time. You should be able to avail the comforts of a "conventional" life, at the same time compartmentalizing your "true" love to another zone of your existence. It is perfect! It has been done before, tried and tested, by none other than your lover.

What future do you want to run after then? "Give me an instance where something like this might succeed". I can't, i don't know. Then why don't my expectations take cue, and die down a calm, unhurried death. Why do they rise, cavort unashamedly in the deep recesses of my thoughts, and never fail to surface when i least like their company.

The tumultous emotional phase that I am going through may appear most romantic to a love-lorn soul from the outside, and I am not particularly thankless either for the feelings that were yet unknown... for a longing unparalleled by any other yet. But simplicity in life is a bliss too, one must enjoy it while it lasts.

work-o-phobia

So it was an extended weekend... that wasn't enough to make me raring to work again. Laziness is also a virtue, i heard this somewhere, and now i tend to believe in it. Things are bugging me again...lets see, a list of deliverables, an aching throat, slight fever, a shaved groin, a dirty house, peak traffic bike ride, two phonecalls in three days. I don't know which of these is the worst, but they all are hell bent on bringing me down.

The weekend was good. Its so strange when you take a road trip to a place ideal for lovers, with a person who loves you, but whom you treat as a substitute, a void-filler... for the longing for love that does not, and worse.. cannot, cease to end. But thank goodness for a friend well found in time, the future is always for discovering.

Just too many things go on in my head concurrently, and is oh-so-hard to focus on the work at hand. I haven't been doing justice to my work but, inexplicably, things like these do not seem to matter any longer. Any dreams of making a huge success of my career based on my own mettle have long been laid to rest. However, there is no ruling out the amount of luck that mediocrity always seems to ride in this world, and provides me with ever so much hope.

A blog... some musings... thats all.

What prompted me to start writing a blog? My friends' blogs? Hmm.. no. I haven't got anything better to do?...well, maybe. But heart of hearts i know its because of that single comment i got some time back... "Amazing, you write so well!". Its strange how you, seemingly mature, self-confident, self-assured soul, can get ecstatic and childishly joyous by a simple comment from someone. That too knowing fully well that the comment was directed towards a piece of writing that was just above mediocre at best. But i guess thats how Love is.. when someone you love praises you, its a high like never before, and it gives one an extraordinary amount of self confidence.

Anyways i have no idea whether this blog of mine will acquire a theme, an audience or even whether i shall continue writing here for long. Maybe i'll put in some poetry... sometimes some of that stuff originates in my mind as well.