Small nice things

Back after yet another long break. Devoid of ideas and urge to write, what could I have done?

Anyway, was just thinking to myself, it feels good to keep doing small small nice things for those you care about. There have been greater number of instances when I have been the receiver of small niceties from others than the other way round, yet, as is always said, what you will do will end up coming around.

What can one do? Make a cup of tea in the morning for Dad, cut a CD of your friend's fav songs and give it to her, send an affectionate message to the cousin you went and stayed with, make a collage of all memories of good times shared and put them in a huge birthday card, send a cheerful optimistic email to a friend going through a tough phase...

And for yourself, just observe the look on a small child's face peering out of a bus window, and smile, because life works itself out.

Reason to smile

Busy day. Have things to finish off at office.
Even the elements seemed to suggest so, as the trees were not swaying, the sun was already bright yellow and the air was cool but still, as I walked my walk.
I found myself wondering, as a song played which reminded me of Vienna, as to how my thoughts used to be at that point in time. I couldn't really remember correctly. I had been thinking that my thoughts have changed drastically in the last year or two, but somehow felt that wasn't the case in reality. For a second, I wanted to go back in time and check how it felt then.
My thoughts wandered, as usual, to him. I pictured him coming up the escalator at the Mall, as I looked on from above, hidden from his sight. He looked around a lil, not really appearing to search for anything, but expectantly coming ahead and obviously looking forward to see me. The way his face lit up, as it lights up every single time on recognising me from among the crowd, is beyond expression. The child-like grin and the smile in his eyes is irresistible and infectious. And whenever I remember it, I can't keep from smiling.
So I am glad that facing this busy day, I have a reason to smile.

Looking forward

"Waking up to a glorious sunny morning with scattered clouds and a lovely breeze is an experience one shouldn't miss", I thought as I walked my brisk morning walk; that I have decided to take up, as the only means to stay away from the ominous paunch, very visible on everyone in my office.

What is there to be morose about, I asked myself? You are appreciating the leaves and branches swaying in the wind, the clouds rushing across a beautiful blue sky, the greenery and freshness that welcomes you in the park and the music that plays in your ears. You are feeling healthy, you are feeling like an achiever, you are aware, and you are smiling.

You are different. But nature considers you as much its own as it does anybody else.

I looked at the golf greens across the fence and admired the beautiful grass shining in the sun. And I felt the urge to go visit places where more sites and sounds await me, each more beautiful than the other. And I thought that I will keep this vision alive and work towards it to make my traveling desires a reality.

Then I found myself wondering as to who I will have for company? Well, I will have myself. And thankfully I think I will have people who take me and appreciate me as I am, who I can be transparent to. I think that is important. To be able to live your life without pretensions.

Life can change drastically anytime, you never know if tomorrow you will get a paralytic attack and spend the rest of your days like a vegetable. Will you regret "not doing" something then? Be proactive and spend your life the way you want, putting your heart, mind and soul into it.

If you are different, how can you still expect a traditional way to live? Is that all you think life is about, living in a particular fashion? Isn't there more to experience and learn and relish for everyone for a lifetime?

I understand that these may have sounded as just words without a practical applicability if I had heard them, at another time in another context. But I believe if I can ingrain these in myself, I won't be as scared and morose anymore.

One has to find his own space, and I trust there is lots for everyone to find.

And I must thank God that he has given me the power to choose, the awareness to understand and for everything else that has come along with it.

Mundane musings

Traveling to office for an hour and a half means that my blog entries can be partly composed on my mobile phone notes.
The journey is usually boring; and I resort to listening to music from my new mobile, or participating in the discussion which is always kept on by the other car-pool members (and which usually leaves me in a lot of discomfort of having to bear the ignominy of coming everyday and listening to insensitive people cribbing about mundane things or lesser)

So anyway, here are a couple of pertinent questions that I came to think while trying to ignore my close-to-obnoxious car-pool colleagues, all the time observing them as well, and getting amused.

Why does silence frighten you? Why do you panic if you or the people around you are not speaking continuously?

Do all of us need a scenario? Do we really need to have at least a slight notion about what we will be generally doing when we are at 45? (This being kept in mind that I still have a considerable time to get there!)

Answer these questions if you think they pertain to you as well.

Dreamin' of cowboys?

A Cowboy's gotta be what he's gotta be.
If you really love a Gay Cowboy
keep him free

Busy writing our tragedy

And so the hiatus ends, and I write my ....err..
Why do we want to get busy writing our tragedy? And more than that, creating one when there is none?
Well anyway, my current tragedy is the weather here in Delhi and around, coupled with the bordering-on-intolerable power situation evrywhere here. If Gurgaon faces atleast 3 to 4 hours of powercuts everyday, Noida is no better. All the more it reminds me of the bliss that Bangalore weather is, and accentuates my misery.
But having lamented enough and more on my tragedy, I have decided to try and take all this in my stride now. It isn't as if I did not know of the situation before coming here. So all I have to do is to focus on the reasons I shifted here in the first place, and take definitive measures to tackle the problems faced.
Some basic steps to that effect include:
Taking to pen and paper in a power failure situation and write on about stuff (this entry has been written on paper first);
Making task lists to keep myself busy on weekends, so that when the heat starts to disorient you or frustratingly push you into an involuntary slumber, you still can consciously tend to something that needed to be done and pass safely through troubling times;
Buying a whole set of summer apparel a.k.a. skimpy clothing to help tolerate the heat;
And finally, generally cheer myself up with all nice things around that I tend to simply overlook nowadays...

A year's halt in life?

Le chalein le chalein
Yaadon ke ye kaafile..
Jayenge hum jahan,
yeh zameen aasmaan milen.

Looking forward expectantly and apprehensively, taking a long sigh and panicking for a moment on the sanity of my decision, lovingly remembering every (almost) moment that I have spent here, wondering what future has in store.

I'll miss bangalore and the dearest friends I have here tremendously.
A year's halt in life? No, I have lived here much more than I have ever lived at all.

Da Vinci reloaded

The weekend started well with da vinci code, and chinese food.
The movie is well made and better than i expected. All the talk about the holy grail, did not really strike me as very important even as I had read the book, nor did it today. Anyway, what did strike me was the importance of belief, in our lives. Whatever we have been told over time becomes the truth, or a way of life. We do not know what is true from history. As someone put it, most history is the history of the victorious in war. Rest of the truth is lost in time or distorted beyond recognition.
The identity of the sacred feminine, the equality of power that the female could have held, had truth not been distorted, forces me to draw a parallel about the possibility of something like this w.r.t sexuality.
We cannot be totally sure how our ancestors viewed alternate sexuality, whether it was prevalent, shunned, closeted or maybe a way of life (as increasingly in some western societies)
Whatever it was, would probably never be known, as any treatise or artifacts depicting such life could be conveniently sought out and destroyed meticulously over centuries.
Even though suggesting Jesus a wife is weird enough for most people, I wouldn't mind an idea propounding a treasure hunt for the "holy male"... what a thought!

You love

...
aadhi aadhi jaagi.. aadhi aadhi soyi,
aankhen ye teri to lagta hai royi...
le kar ke naam hamaara.
...

well,
you demand, you expect, you're mean, you cry, but you love, you feel guilty, you give in, you apologize, you think, you don't think, you laugh, you go on and you are left behind.
you love...

Coming Out

It becomes easier after every time you do it. I didn't go through much more than an increased heartbeat, as I came out to a friend a couple of days ago. This, as compared to the palpitation and shivering that I went through the first time sitting in a cafe, was surprisingly easy.
But there is an undeniable indecision here as well. When you decide to come out to a close friend, you decide to share something that was hidden for so long, that you had begun to think that was the only way to live. There is a feeling of exposing yourself, you feel vulnerabe. There is a fear of losing a friendship because of inability to accept, when you could have not told and things could have gone smoothly as always. But then, the friendship can, and maybe should, get stronger after this. When you can talk about a very important aspect of your life to a dear friend or at least have the assurance that the friend will be there to talk and share your feelings/joys/griefs when you need it.
But this time, I also did it for another reason. I realised that a fear in my head told me that this path was a path of no return. If I tell everyone of my friends about me, they shall accept it, but what if I want to go back to the lifestyle and ideas I had always held...? Wouldn't that create a whole lot of unnecessary tension for them, and a whole lot of explaining for me to do?
That was when I decided to go ahead, stop being a coward, and do what I feel was the best thing for me and my friendship. If I continue doing what I am convinced is the best thing for me and my loved ones, nothing else should matter at any point in time.

Rains

The past three evenings, the bangalore rains have been quite awesome. I have been drenched twice, and quite enjoyed it.
Yesterday I just stood outside on my balcony, feeling the strong gusts of wind spray water on my face. The rain enhances my senses quite nicely, and the aroma of wet earth and the cool breeze is enough to take away my blues and make me feel good, romantic, eager and hungry! :)
My fav thing while its raining is NOT to go outside and get drenched! I'd rather stand at the door/window watching the trees sway sensously, and the shadows of faraway lights glimmer on the wet roads, tempted to run out but resisting the invitation of the cool wind and water on my face, hair and chest. And then it puts in every wild thought possible in my mind...
A hot cuppa tea is great company while I enjoy the rain in solitude. And yes, when at home with mom, the family gorges on plenty of spicy pakoras.
Rains are bliss in more ways than one.

Meme

The Instructions: Comment, and I shall give you a letter. Go back to your journal, and write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation of what those words means to you and why.

My ten words with "E", which I received from Mahesh.

1. Ecstatic: I guess this is one feeling I really lookout for, and desire of, anything. Happy, content, excited, joyous are all good. But nothing like ecstasy.

2. Everyone: One of the biggest lessons that I don't think I shall ever be able to learn is that you cannot make everyone happy.

3. Emotions: They govern me mostly, rather than me governing them. I did not know emotions could be so powerful and so extreme. I thought I was mostly emotionless in accordance with a very practical upbringing, but i was wrong.

4. Easy: This is something I desire. Although I may want to achieve loads at times and end up putting effort for it as well, I seriously think I would rather be happier to bending rules and principles to make it convenient and easy.

5. Evening: My time of the day. I like to spend them with friends and family and can get depressed if my weekend evening is not planned or a plan goes haywire.

6. Elegance: A trait I like. Thats because of being a Libra methinks. Elegant is my style. Style is important.

7. Europe: There is so much in europe that I'd like to see. Whatever I saw whetted my appetite no end.

8. Eat: This has to come. Good food is an integral part of my existence. Eating isn't just about survival for me. I have to have variety of cuisine, tastes/aroma from everywhere and of course, I love my Mom's super cooking.

9. Embrace: I think I like to embrace people and ideas, and make them a part of my own personality. This is how I think I have grown. I don't really think I have so much in me that I can call my own. Sometimes I think that is bad, but then thats me.

10. Espionage: Surprisingly, I think I might have been a great spy. I have a dark side lurking in there for sure, which cannot do without the thrill of adventure, cheating, lying and deceit, but all this when no one is hurt and there is a all-pervading sense of fairness. Batman is my fav superhero.

The checkup

Today I met the most amazing doctor ever.

There was a free health checkup at our office and I went to get myself checked for the heck of it (basically coz it was free and i had a sore throat since times immemorial). I was telling the doctor about a previous problem when he started to discuss my sex life! I was frank and told him that I did have it, not too regularly but not too irregularly either. He simply looked on and asked... with females or...? After recovering from the initial shock of his frankness and a sudden spurt of curiousity, I told him about my interest in men.
Then he actually discussed things about safety, being very open and advising me a lot (most of the stuff I knew anyway) about myself and my partner, monogamity et al included. I was obviously curious and seeing the quite cute smile, I shot the question whether it was coming out of "personal experience". But he replied "No. Out of the multiple patients we see."
Well patients every doctor sees, but never ever has anyone been frank about this or taken an interest out of the routine. I felt really nice about his intention of helping out, taking a couple of minutes out of the physician's skin.

The sea

In a sea so vast, so deep
you look for the ship that will take you home.
you search, you desire, you wish,
but the sea gets vaster,
as you begin to drown.
The sea is inside you.

Hangover

Lines from a few songs going round and round in my head:

"Do you believe... in what you see... Everyone's saying different things to me"


"Everytime you throw him to the floor...
Why are you surprised... to see...
He's breakable"


"And so it is..
Just like you said it would be..
life is easy on me...
most of the time.

And so it is...
a shorter story..
No love no glory..
in her sky.

I can't take my eyes off you.
I can't take my mind off you."

Otherwise I can't think much right now. I am comfortably numb, and content in a weird sort of way.

Guest??

umeedein bhi kee, intezaar bhi...
yaad mein ashk bhi bahaaye.

phir bhi mera ashiq, mere armaan...
khud ko mera mehmaan bataaye..

(
Held some expectations, and waited...
Cried a little remembering you.
But still my lover, my hopes...
call themselves a guest of mine.
)

What do I do?

Tinke Samaetoon...
Ya Bikhar jaane doon.
......
Ye Lamha jee loon...
Yaa bas guzar jaane doon.

(Should I gather the straws...
Or let it disintegrate.
Should I live this moment...
Or just let it pass.)

Another one (not mine)

Come sit by my side if you love me...
Do not hasten to bid adieu.
Jus remember the red silver valley...
And the heart that loves you so true.

The love of convenience

In my interactions with people over the last few months, I have noticed a particular trait in some settled-in-career/comfortable-with-themselves/available single guys which led me to wonder whether it is a trend or just a mistaken representation.
People are "looking for love". They get offended when questioned on their intentions on looking for just physical pleasure. They have a list of a thousand characteristics that they are looking for in the boyfriend-to-be, a mental picture framed in gold and hung for quite some time now, so much so that they aren't easily available to recognize it themselves. They treat each new guy that comes across nicely and everything, seemingly very careful and considerate not to hurt the other person by turning him down, all the while fulfilling their own need of momentary companionship i.e. a hand to hold and a head resting peacefully on their chests. Conveniently failing to realise that the other person is a mere unprepared human, not as mature as they are, the poor soul suddenly finds himself in love with all the friendly care showered by these benevolent creatures. They find an emotional anchor, and suddenly, much to their surprise, the anchor refuses to hold. Things are told to them - It was never meant to be, how could you think of us like that, there is no wavelength match, there wasn't anything physical between us anyway na... and so on.
Then these people just move on to another temporary companion to drink, throw party, watch tv, lay down (even share some "weak moments" with).... but mind you, all the time looking for that "love of their life"... spending the present with the love of convenience.

Music

I associate a lot of memories with music, I guess many of us do. So if there is a song playing somewhere, it reminds of a particular time or mostly, a particular emotional state.
Lets see if I can list some of the music/songs that I associate with things-

"Kehna hee kya" from "Bombay" reminds me of my 10th board exams, feeling of being nervous and confined
"Humma Humma" from the same film reminds me of the absolute fun i had with friends the same year, my first feeling of partying solely with friends and a wild time.
Bryan Adams (particularly "Have you ever really") reminds me of driving through Switzerland, brings back all the visual delight.
Avril Lavigne always makes me feel rebellious and independent, reminds me of the U-rail travel to office in Vienna
Coldplay gets me brooding and questioning and depressed at times, but i still absolutely love it. Reminds me of being alone at night in my room last aug/sept.
"Dil Chahta hai" reminds me of my Rafting trip in 2002, nostalgia of being with friends and tired and content after a great round of rafting on the Ganges.
"Celine Dion - A new day has come" reminds me of being down with typhoid and feeling hopeful and really sick at the same time.
"Robbie Williams - Feel" and "Shakira - Underneath your clothes" remind me of my apartment in Vienna, summer afternoons spent alone, doing nothing much at all.
"Lio - Rapture" so reminds me of the FMS parties, the drunken stupor, the amazing highs and dancing and fun, in a sensual kind of way too.

Hmm...

In my head

Party Nights...,
City of lights...,
Shining down over me...
Skyscrapers, stargazers... in my head.

Often I just lay there on my bed in the dark, staring at the city lights from my apartment, just wondering, alone, content... in a kind of daze.
Nothing in particular seems to be important.
And I get sad.