Insinuation

Calendar filling

2010-02-19T08:49:00.000-08:00

Have nothing to do at work after a long time in recent memory. And that's only since I'm stuck; as other people haven't finished their deliverables which I'm dependent on.
Have been planning away the rest of the coming months. Something or the other happening so much so that the weekends seem booked till Easter already. There is a sharp volatility in moods and emotions as usual, as they oscillate between enthusiastic for all that's planned and to be looked forward to, to anxious, and sometimes downright cynical, about just filling in the diary without life carrying any real meaning at all.
Will try and find some gulaal today for Holi next weekend, so that at least a little Holi celebration can occur in true style. Otherwise it's almost quite easy to actually miss the big festivals out here altogether, especially in central London away from any sort of family or community celebrations.
Booked Istanbul tickets for next month, so def look forward to some pleasant weather and ogling at hot Turks, which hopefully Sho and I will do together gleefully.
So much to do, so little time. Ok better get my ass out off the office for the day. Leaving before 5, now that's got to be a record!

Bye bye Jan, already!

2010-01-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

List of to-dos grows by the minute, as the clock strikes midnight, and another weekend has whizzed past. So I put other things aside, and its time to blog.
Went to this photography exhibition at whitechapel, containing loads of works by Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi photographers. It was really quite interesting and three hours well spent. V had recommended it earlier on, so I agreed to go along when a friend from Salsa asked if I was interested.
The three weeks when A will be here are already mostly planned and it feels better that way. Otherwise both of us end up being stuck at home and struggling to make last minute plans. There isnt a V-day plan yet, but the general agreement is to endorse the mass public hysteria surrounding valentines and join in the fun. If on the other hand, A wouldn't have been coming down, I would most certainly have dismissed the whole V-day hoopla as a media conspiracy.
As monday morning beckons, I'm quite set to take a bold decision to say no to the permanent role on offer. As is mostly the case, I fretted on it already, but not too much this time. I just decided to go calmly with what I had already decided - if the offer is below my minimum expectation, then I'll say no. And that's what I have to do!

Time - swirling whirling on!

2010-01-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Felt good after sending the I I email thanking for people's support, its amazing how people volunteer to generously donate to the cause... Also, A is going to continue facilitating the good work with other volunteers so that's great. It does feel inspiring to go and do the projects and I hope I will continue to be involved with I I in more than one ways.
Was laughing in the tube reading the book club book, and on one of Rita (the main character)'s comments, I laughed and laughed and just couldn't stop till I got out of the station. She is cool, Rita, and so is the book.
Looks like we'll plan a combined Maldives - SL holiday in Aug!! (fingers crossed)... That should be simply amazing... And there is talk of Istanbul on Easter, I need to ask Sho if that's actually on the cards.
Got a permanent offer from RBS, they seem really quite impressed so I'm very pleased with that. First feeling is I won't take it, but I'll do some Math on the weekend and see if it makes any sense for me to go perm now and reduce the paycheck.
The post 30 paunch is emerging and emerging, and I've immediately gone back to all my activities - dance, baddie, salsa - full throttle to help keep it tucked in! Next on cards, walking and walking around town whenever possible!
So much on.. can't keep up!

Swamped with to-dos

2010-01-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

Late nights are coming back, but I don't want them to. There's just so much to do at this point in time. Apparently, day before yest was the most 'depressing' day of the year statistically. Wasn't for me (I mean I've had worse)!
Book club was good last night, great to see the usual group and the whole discussion about the White Tiger. It got 7.5 on 10 from me. I had actually almost forgotten about it and was planning to go to Interbank drinks instead. Anyway met two guys from the rainbow network for lunch yesterday too and it is finally good to have friends at work.

Things one should simply overlook

2010-01-18T17:11:00.000-08:00

Anger. Went mad with rage today at an innocous email from A. Just the fact that he still does not understand that I don't have an appetite for his brand of humour, has left me feeling very helpless and still more angry.

Kept sitting in office working till after eight as I didn't feel like going home. It isn't as if I don't know that I shouldn't be getting angry over small silly things, and I did manage to smile at the intended humour and perhaps the childishness of it all when I tried looking at things from an outsider's perspective. But me being me, I never forget and never really forgive, even myself.

Chanting mantra now: Take things lightly.

On a good note, felt so happy in the morning when I got my luggage back finally after two weeks. Everything intact. Great.

Low (key) day

2010-01-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

We spoke for 4 hours today, A and I. At one point, it felt as if I was at one of the low points in a series of low points in our relationship. But we are more mature now, and the low point is more easily forgotten. All this talk and no actual physical contact left me exhausted and drained. So nothing else major was done at all during the day, the weekend shopping and chores remained in the list of to-dos.
Watched Rachel getting married, and all the emotional drama churned out the emotions once again from within. Didn't cry bucket loads or anything, but was quietened by the movie and sat thinking about it for a while.
Also, ate a lot. A lot by my standards anyway. I've been eating loads lately, loads of a mix of healthy and unhealthy stuff. It's a kind of support, comfort food like chocolates and cheese and olives. Now the key is to start burning it as well before it starts showing irreparably. Thankfully, no midnight snacks for the past 2-3 days.

Watching halfway across the world

2010-01-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

It just leaves one in a state of amazement how every once in a while, nature just wrecks such havoc on humans as was caused in the recent earthquake. It is shocking how human actions like terrorist attacks have killed scores or even hundreds in the past few decades. But it is nature which in one quick sweep, obliterates a lakh, two lakh, people and leaves behind suffering and anguish with no one but fate to blame.

Makes me realise my good fortune at the current moment of life and make the most of it.

Indisciplined as hell

2010-01-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

I just don't like keeping my face under water! There must be a syndrome or something that describes this. I am 'quite good' swimming on my back, but i am totally terrible on my front. Anyway, I had a session all by myself with the instructor because no one else had signed up for that particular time. I don't like that instructor too much, he isn't too encouraging and kind-of gave up when I couldn't do the front crawl properly and just asked me to 'keep practising'. Well practise I will, I need to. I need to drag someone to the pool every weekend as well for my twice a week practise and build stamina and strength. Which by the way is my new year resolution in hindsight, strength and stamina. This will be done by a combination of diet, exercise and positive thinking and right attitude. There, sorted. And here I am writing this blog at 2 AM eating butter roll and a banana. Good start, innit?

Summing up the day

2010-01-14T15:42:00.000-08:00

Got to write. Got to write.

Finally, got to write. My self-promised one to two hours of reading and writing everyday have not happened, quite like many other things that haven't happened due to laziness.

At least, there is the book club which enables a monthly read at least, there should perhaps be a writing club as well where posts from everyone's blog will be discussed. That way, my scribblings will become more regular.

Got cross tonight when I couldn't make it to badminton. The 5 min discussion with the boss at the last moment became a 40 min pseudo-interview. And I was left with a bitter taste, not just because I missed baddie YET again, but because the not-so-distant past came to haunt me. The permanent role on offer looks set to be not as rewarding monetarily as the contracting role, which wasn't entirely unexpected, though the main factor for irritation here is the fact that my salary at the previous permanent employer got dragged into the discussion. Now I could have been dishonest and bragged of a higher figure or imaginary extras but I did not. And the fact of the matter is that we 'offshore' hires were paid quite bloody peanuts when I moved to London. Now how much-so-ever I try and reason that my market value was at that time much higher than I was being paid, the bar has been set. And I was annoyed that I at that very moment did not clarify my minimum expectations today, and I am now waiting until tomorrow to do so. But the fact that I will take the risk of speaking out the sum-expected loudly and clearly tomorrow, meant that I felt much better quickly.

Then watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and loved it. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem were amazing, as was the whole plot and set-up. Was reminded of Barcelona and want to go back soon for a longer trip.

From relaxed to excited

2009-07-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

Had a nice relaxed day.
Watched New York. Very very different from what I expected. Wouldn't say it's the best bollywood film I've watched (unlike some reviews it has got) but definitely it does demand as well as grab your attention and leaves an imprint. Now that is something very few hindi films are able to achieve. I had initially gone for the 'hot' element but didn't really miss that it wasnt there in the film (lol). Both the male leads are still great tho.
Then had a nice dinner which Sho cooked and brought back in the evening. I didn't know that she as a good cook after all, at least tonight she was able to do a great job. :)
And was even able to sneak in a chat with A in the middle! :D

Can't believe we've so many holidays coming. Well I had actually thought I'll book them once the job switch happened but so many so soon!! Come the weekend after next, Paris, Venice, Amsterdam will all happen in relatively quick succession! Add to that Nice in two and half months and a possible weekend trip to Bournemouth thrown in next month... this is just tooo much fun......... sooooo excited!

tees

2009-06-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

dil ke khaate mein kuch,
khwaab jode jaate hain magar...
baaton ki katauti karke,
tanhaiyon se tijori to na bharein.

mushkil haalaat, namumkin mulaqat,
berukhi nahi, mashgool rehne ka aalam hi sahi.
phir bhi kuch to kahein, kehne ki khatir,
jo yeh shaamein meri, chup si,
iss tarah bemaut na marein.

Music was my best friend tonight

2009-05-24T17:02:00.000-07:00

One of those days (and night) which you wish never came along just because they were so good, they make you wish that their occurence was not so rare.

And back now to studying. Wish this phase would get over soon!!

Waiting to see what's next

2009-03-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK.

Tense times again. I hate these situations when things go out of your control, and you have to wait for other people's decisions and hope that circumstances shape up as you want them too.

If I end up in NYC, it will be tough trying to live in a new city all over again, but having discussed how we are going to manage, it still might be a safer option.
If I end up back in Delhi, all will be doom and gloom. I can't survive the Gurgaon-Noida drill at all now.
If I end up jobless here, it's hard to predict how much time will it take me to be employed again, and knowing me I'll worry myself to death.

Praying none of the above happens, and I end up another long, happy assignment here. If only life came on a platter...

Yo Joe - Days of yore

2009-02-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

Fav lines from my fav animation series I LOVED in my teens. I still remember them!
Does anyone have episodes of G.I.Joe-The Real American Hero??

The best thing 'bout the below is the accent, which obviously is missing here unfortunately.

Some Sheikh-
What will happen? Oh, what will happen? They'll kill us!

Cobra Commander-
Death is coming to you... on eight thousand fat little legs.

Storm Shadow-
I promise you... This is not the end. We shall meet again.

Spirit-
Spirits of my fathers', guide my hand.

Gung Ho-
Ah, Cajun Gumbo! A real American delicacy...

Dukh ke badri ab chhat jayi ho

2009-02-01T15:21:00.000-08:00

As I look out and see all the snow falling outside, I wish you get happy, smiling, cheerful v v soon ...
I wish it snows again in two weeks time..

Yo 2008!

2008-12-31T10:50:00.000-08:00

2008 ends in a few hours. In a happy way this year.

Doing the same thing this time as last year, dancing by myself to loud dance music at home. But there is a difference, this time there is a waft of mixed cooking smells coming from the kitchen, where Anu conjures up some of his speciality cuisine.
The plan is the same too. Go to the river to see the fireworks. Only it's going to be the two (or more actually) of us this time. And I live a five minute walk from the action now! And it's probably a few notches colder than last year this time around. brrr...

As I realise that it's midnight in iNDIA, I think of friends and how it'd have been had I been partying with them. And of mom and dad, and how it'd be if it was a usual new year at home spent in front of the TV eating loads of lovely food! And I pray everyone is happy and enjoying themselves to the fullest.

It was a mixed kind of year, as most years are. Fun and sorrow, steal and borrow.. loved the travel, loved the love; hated the uncertainty, hated the anger.
Expecting more of the same and lot much more next year. Back to the dancing now. Woo!

Books - Last five months of '08

2008-12-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

Rating

A New Earth - 7 / 10

On the Shores of the Mediterranean - 5 / 10

Shanghai Baby - 6 / 10

Suite Francaise - 6 / 10

Absurdistan (Still reading) - 8 / 10

Assault on my senses

2008-12-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

I've had a large mulled wine in the afternoon and four small glasses of red wine after dinner.
I've danced a bit and had a fri**in good time.
I've resisted an urge to buy fries from Burger King even though they are oh-so-yummy at this hour.
I come home and dig into a Ferrero Rocher placed strategically on my shelf. It's the best thing ever. I bite into the chocolate & nut crust and the creamy hazelnut layer hits my tongue oh-so-softly. I graze the whole hazelnut in the middle slightly. It is arousing. The next bite takes in more cream and the whole nut rolls in the mouth. The upper crust gradually melts in the mouth leaving succulent bits of hazelnut floating around on the tip of my tongue. The last bite is orgasmic as it takes in the rest of the crust and the chocolate cream and the final assault leave me licking my fingers and intensely satiated.
Yum.

Hoping for a cheer

2008-12-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

I wish you were here,
a flower, purple and bright.
I wish I could caress you,
the petals delicate and light.
Dreaming, daring, at times drudging along,
Each night I wish you a happy song.

A little self-discovery...

2008-12-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

'The way you absorb inputs from the surroundings is probably different from me. I feel I absorb gradually and all the time, perhaps more unconsciously than consciously. There is more of an assault of feelings and information about the people and other things around, on me than on you. That prevents any belief-set being crystallised within me, as the world is so myriad and full of so many waves that following certain streams and rejecting others becomes very difficult for me. That's also probably because I many-a-times 'know' things in the sense that I have already sensed them and do not need to be told explicitly.'

Moti-weight

2008-11-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

Motivate
Moti-weight
Mota-paet

And insanity creeps in...

Mota paet
sadak pe late
gaadi aayi
phat gaya paet...

lol
(I chanted this many a times as a kid but stopped when I became fat....)

Tough keeping motivated!

2008-11-24T12:59:00.000-08:00

Discipline. The new keyword in Anu's and my life.
I just keep realising how undisciplined we both are. We both set our hearts on something and then don't do anything to achieve it.
I know there is inherently a problem trying to keep 'achieve'ing and never be satisfied enough. But then like I said, we have our heart set upon it, and so what we want to do is something that gives us happiness. It's just that we can't let ourself get motivated enough to fulfill that desire of ours.
Just watched 'Dasvidaniya'. Nice movie which got me thinking on similar lines. 'Ten things to do before I die'... Its probably not a bad idea to make such a list but then it has to be made as if we ARE going to die in three months; and then keep on doing them and replenishing the list. But we know we won't die, so we won't be motivated enough. Where is the 'danda' that has become the quintessential motivator?
I used to be, and still am, quite jealous of people who get motivated internally and not depend on deadlines, examinations, and submissions to motivate them.
Anyway, I'll try and keep creating a danda of some kind to keep me (us) going.
There is so much to do and I can't wait. But first things first, I am making a list. And boy, am I excited. Grin

Dim Lights

2008-11-18T13:31:00.001-08:00

She walked in her overcoat,
like a weasel in fox's disguise.
The early Monday evening was quiet,
softly bristling leaves cradling the pale yellow glow.
Memoryless, painless, joyless,
her calm causing her fright.
She wondered if this was the eye of the storm,
when everything had died?
but there was none to speak of,
no storm brewing, not even in the teacup.
Left or right, or straight ahead and dive,
she smiled at her silly choice.
Turning right, she sighed
at the familiarity of the scene,
at the desire to see something exciting.
Her wisdom killed her,
why couldn't she be unaware?
That desires were an illusion,
ends were just pastimes,
in this unreal mirage.
Sitting on the bench,
braving the cold breeze,
She asked herself some questions.
No existential dilemmas but some molly-coddling,
sweet, caring words,
Do you want anything darling?
What did you find out today?
Do you want to play?
She nodded and coo-ed to herself,
And gradually let herself be aware,
to the voices of people around her,
to the bells chiming in the distance.
Slowly she got up, turned back, and walked,
noticing the pink horizon for the first time that night.

Quick one

2008-09-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

Anu arrived today. It would be a nice few hectic days from now on..!
Not that they haven't been till now! In fact I have had no time for my planned reading. The noose is tightening with the HS deadline approaching as well, so I will have to burn some serious midnight oil sometime soon!
Disagreements surfaced straight away today. His choice of telly as opposed to mine. Why did we have to have choices poles apart! lol. Interesting times ahead sorting out the creases we create along the way...
Oops time to run to bed. He's dozing off on the edge and might nosedive straight onto the floor...

V's Halloween invite

2008-09-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

100

2008-09-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

Almost approaching the last quarter of this year.
Scary, dark, brooding... this quarter has been the saddest time of my life...
lol, I'm kidding. It's been lots of fun!
On the work front, I've started reading up and chosen a certification to give the career a boost.
Personally, have been having a great time with friends. What started brightly with the London Pride in the beginning of July has continued through theatre (Billy Elliot, Dorian Gray), clubbing, eating out, sports and lots of chatting away and laughter. Except for the rare moments of anxiety and sadness, it has been blemishless. Touchwood!
If only I could make this the same for Anu's last 3 months too. I can't believe the kind of pressure he's been working under and seeing so little returns till now. I'm sure things will only look up for us going ahead.
Soooooo looking forward to the Spain trip, fingers crossed, and already really looking forward to India trip too..
So ya lots happening at breakneck speed... soon the countdown to 30 will begin too. Not that that's a very big deal.
Hmm.. just realised this is my 100th post. What a tortoise! M must have written as many in the first four months or so, despite him starting a blog later than I did!

Bollywood update

2008-09-08T15:43:00.001-07:00

So is dope acceptable in film song lyrics now?
Our dear Farhan Akhtar croons in 'Rock On' that he lost 'Mary jane ka ek packet' and there is no hue and cry about bringing dope into mainstream? Or is there?
I remember there was quite a lot of caste hungama over the Aaje Nachle song, with Madhuri losing her jhumka and saying 'bole mochi bhi khud ko sunaar hai'.. which to me at least appeared to be a fuss over nothing.
Is this difference because of failure to understand urban slang by a majority of the population?
Anyway, recently did a statistical survey of the biggest bollywood box office hits of each year across the decades. (yes I tend to do these things especially when I need to study.. a habit acquired in high school)
I think its a good statistic to establish the actors/actresses with the most clout in the minds of the junta. If an actor/actress delivers a few No.1 consistently, then he/she has to be the most successful of that era. No.2s don't matter much in this world. This gets validated when u see that eightees are choc-a-block with Amitabh hits. So as per my survey the most popular actors / actresses of all time are-
1. Amitabh
2. Dilip Kumar
3. Shahrukh Khan
4. Dev Anand
5. Raj Kapoor
Honourable mentions to Manoj Kumar / Rajesh Khanna. Hrithik is slowly climbing up the ladder as well.
The actresses list is def more difficult.
1. Hema Malini
2. Vyjanthimala
3. Nargis
4. Madhuri Dixit
These four are pretty much clear
5. Either Mala Sinha, Meena Kumari, Rekha or Sridevi
Apparently, Amisha Patel has two of the biggest hits of this decade in her kitty (Gadar and Kaho Na Pyar Hai...).. poor babe, why is she such a flop then??

My Sweet Little Heart

2008-09-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

"dil ki yahi khata hai,
dil ko nahi pata hai,
yeh dil chahta hai kya...!"
My poor little sweet heart. What is it that you want? Why are you so influencable?
There is never a direct answer when I ask you anything.
You want everything like a greedy child. You feel competitive, bored, jealous, determined, romantic and cheerful, all in span of five minutes! You exhaust me!
But you're a good one, you keep bringing a smile on my face for silly innocuous things.
You keep changing too. You're not the same like you were ten years ago, but you're not necessarily more complicated.
And you've never been, and are still not, in my control.
Sigh. Smile.

Despair

2008-09-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Its a maze,
dull and blurry
vision clouded in haze.
The rust, the rut, the ravine,
these gaps are cuts
knived through the heart.
Silent, heavy eyes,
a churning inside,
familiar numbness.
All is but a lack
of innocence,
of courage,
of hope.
All is but a mirage,
Thirsty I'll die one day.

Carnival

2008-08-25T15:23:00.001-07:00

A long weekend passed. A relatively low key one but for today, as today was the visit to the grand carnival.

The mood was great, there were so many young people out on the streets enjoying themselves dancing away to great music everywhere. It was fun. However there was a immense dearth of guys, scantilly dressed guys to be precise, in the carnival parade. The women were all there, jumping up and down with their big breasts all over the place. Its a serious menace this with the London girls, they are just too fat, esp the black ones living on a staple diet of Burger King / McD / KFC.

We watched the parade for a while, and had beer and so-called Caribbean food (both ridiculously over-priced). I jumped around for a bit, until this great big realisation dawned on me that we are getting a bit old already for dancing around on samba beats all day, and that too amongst a sea of people (wherever you looked there were just hoards and hoards of people!). Still we stuck around for quite a while until we absorbed the atmosphere completely (my nose is clogged cos of that now) and then dragged our tired asses back to home sweet home.

My Friends

2008-08-10T13:22:00.001-07:00

Laughed so hard last night that my jaws ached. After a long time.
It was great of Vish and Co to come surprise me at 1AM, literally all 4 of them jumping on my bed, with poor little me already fast asleep and just starting to dream sinister dreams.
I think we were in splits last year Dec at Shiz's place in Bombay, the night I arrived there, with all his jhatka-filled dancing on Aaja Nachle.
Brings back memories when I had been laughing madly with friends. It is really quite rare, so I think I can actually count a few occurances.
With my MBA friends in London last year (2 straight guys and me in a single bed :P) and laughing away basically at one of theirs' weird views on girls and marriage. Some of Anu's comments once in a while (can't pinpoint which was the last one, but he hs great timing sometimes). Manki's one-liners in Bangalore party, something about 'How homosexual!' .. lol.. he has super timing too.
Oh, laughing again just thinking about those things. Thank god for my friends! Love them.

The net

2008-08-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your blog.
:)

Truth - the way to go?

2008-08-06T14:42:00.001-07:00

Lots going on as usual.
My friends asked me the reason behind the pessimism on the blog. Well I do write more in a pessimistic state of mind, and when I'm happy and excited I just sing and dance and don't write about it.

Had a detailed think-over about 'Truth' the other day.
Is Truth over-rated? As the comic book superhero said on Monday, sometimes people do not need the truth, they need hope.
Does that apply to our loved ones as well then? Is it sometimes better to lie (or hide the truth) rather than causing anguish and disturbance?
It probably boils down to the individual. We cannot change the world, we can just change ourselves. And hope that our actions produce the desired affect on the external world as well.
So if we do decide to take the plunge and bring about the desired change of speaking the truth ourselves, we know it will give us a definite feeling of satisfaction and freedom to breathe easy. But the very next moment, are we ready to face the reaction of the external world to it? The one we cannot control, and hence fear? Most of the times we know that that reaction is something we will not be able to handle. That reaction is going to cause us anguish, will bring us to our knees, will wipe away that momentary feeling of happiness and satisfaction. Mind you, it may or may not happen, but most of us do not dare to take that chance.
So where does this leave the idealist? The Devdas? Who doesn't accept the power of the almighty external world and move on to assimilate in it, who doesn't see the gray and only wants to see the black and white, who doesn't live a lie with fond memories of the truth. It leads him to cynicism or despair or both.
One silver line came about: One must be totally truthful to oneself and comfortable with it, and if that's the case, should not bother if one cannot be totally truthful to others around him. But what if, one is truthful to himself, but doesnt like the truth? It creates a conflict between what he ideally wants to be / want to do and what the actual truth is? Doesn't that cause disillusionment? Ideals don't exist anymore. Anything can happen in this world. There is nothing to trust if one cannot trust oneself.
Trust God? It is tough to have faith in God when you see that even His path is not giving the wisdom and calm to its followers that it should, at least not evidently. Does that not lead your mind astray to the extent that there is nothing in it but confusion, and an acute deadly desire to go numb? Sometimes it feels to makes little sense to look towards the Spiritual path, but I guess there is no other way to go.

Party!

2008-08-02T00:36:00.000-07:00

Went to G.A.Y after ages yesterday and was reminded how much I love pop. The place is no great shakes but I usually like the crowd, and the music.

Now, off to Brighton for the Buzz.
Not sure if looking forward to it (as usual), its a cold damp morning after all. But a funny clip posted on facebook by S has just got me in the mood to party all day (and night!)
Last year's memories include the bright hot sunny day, the heart in the air made by a flying jet over the sea front, colourful feathered dancers (of course!), the huge bear gathering in the tents in the park (where Anu took his top off.. lol), all the couples dancing in another tent and finally the nudist beach... where we both.. err... took the plunge.
All this is hard to match, except for the feathered dancers who are def gonna be there, unless it pours!
And so here it goes... Party, party, party..tonight.

Late-night timepass

2008-07-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

Naa kuch kehne ko hai,
Ik thakaan sii.
Raat beeti ja rahi hai, khaali makaan sii.
Mareez baney ja rahe hain gam-e-bewajah,
khudgarzi ne kar dee hai soch hairaan sii.

'kaash...',
sab maslon kee wajah ye lafz hee hai shayad.
'shayad...',
iss lafz ne toh jeena mushkil kar diya hai.

ruk nahi sakte,
dukhte pair chale chalte hain.
manzil jo baithi hai saamne, pukaarti huyi,
qatl kar dee hai uski aarzoo khule-aam sii.

WTF

2008-07-30T15:07:00.001-07:00

Its a fucked up life

Unrest to rest

2008-07-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how an hour or two of outdoor therapy can relax the mind. Anu and I went to St.Katharine's docks by the Tower Bridge after dinner, and roamed around in the peaceful, serene area for a while. Sat quietly on a bench by the water, with tens of boats silently anchored in the water softly shimmering under lights, its gentle lapping audible and only sporadically interrupted by the sound of laughter or merry conversation somewhere in one of the nearby restaurants.
I wondered how different our view of London would be from an Indian who would come here, say in the late 1800s. Anu said it wouldn't be too different, only all the sights would be even more startling, as in those times there were no pictures in magazines and images on television to help prepare what to expect in a foreign land.
I believe there would have been more to it than just this. There would have been more terror, more fascination and a sharper alienating feeling.
The conversation shifted to him lamenting how tough it is to find such peace and quiet in Delhi, without the blaring of horns, loudspeakers or the general public and their children. It is true that this place is not aggressive as compared to Delhi. Hectic yes, mad-paced, fast, but not so aggressive. But that's because there is less anger here, and people are not competing with each other to survive. It is not the fault of that country or its people, it's just how it has shaped up through history, and in more ways than one, the unrest there has paid for the peace here.

Purpose

2008-06-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

Such mixed, varied state of emotions. I can't understand things any longer. Actually I understand everything and nothing at the same time.
There is no 'purpose' to life. That is fine. The only way to realise anything is to realise that there is no purpose.
There is a will to live. To survive first, then live, then be happy if there is time and resources.
I've changed so much. I was a kid with a purpose. I was a good kid with a purpose. Obedient, intelligent and very understanding. I was adventurous and comfortable left alone. Very intuitive yet very methodical. Not creative. Actually, nothing has changed. Only there is no 'purpose' strong enough. And that has gone mostly with waning of parental influence.
My heart tingles with excitement in dark quiet alleys, it has always done, even as a kid. Every morning and evening, I love walking by and gazing at the river, as if its something new. Even as people whizz by not noticing or caring if they were crossing a bridge with silver water, gulls and pretty boats, or crossing an underground tunnel. I look at the vast sky, golden orange tinge of the setting sun behind the clouds and want to jump up and over the farthest cloud. It remains as fuckin pretty as ever.

Thought to myself today - "Life is short, but nothing needs to be done about it"

Simply complicated

2008-06-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

Got drunk for the second time in my entire life at Kali this Friday. Last time was 4 years ago in the beginning of second year at mba. Thankfully had friends around this time as well to rescue me. But this is something that I am not going to repeat ever, it isn't half as fun when you get silly on the dance floor and then next morning try hard to remember half the things that happened the previous night. A big complications hazard!
Was reminded of the movie 'Sunday' with the poor girl not able to remember what happened to her the entire night and the following day. (Good concept, badly directed movie though)

On the topic of movies, saw XXY on thursday night. Its an Argentinian movie about a 15 year old hermaphrodite who struggles to come to terms with her/his sexual identity, and the dilemma of her parents. Quite a heavy movie, set in Uruguay. Liked it a lot, and not just for the fact that it, in a way, gave a reassuring feeling that our lives are so much simple as compared to so many others in the world.

Which brings me to my self-quote of the day, which I told myself first thing in the morning today - "Thinking is dangerous". It causes migraine and digestive disorders and erectile dysfunction, which by themselves are as irritating a complication as any.

Gabriel...

2008-06-16T17:12:00.001-07:00

I am what I am...

2008-06-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

Things that made me happy today-
1. The carnations that I brought for Gaura-Nitai and also placed some in my window.
2. Great stir-fry I had for dinner :-)
3. Lunch with Lukes at Little Italy, gossip and heart-2-heart revelations :-)

Things that made me sad-
1. That I was getting angry (and therefore keeping quiet in frustration) on phone with Anu when I shouldn't have. The last thing he needs right now is me making his life difficult.

Its a fuckin' funny world...

2008-04-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

Its a fuckin funny world out there..
Another first happened today. Got invited to a birthday party, and was asked to share the bill! Now that was new, for me.
Anyway, its the people. Funny people. More and more you interact with them, more and more this world appears so fuckin irritating. Irritating world full of irritating people.
Greedy people. Jealous people. Selfish people. Complicated people.
The conversation with Anu in the evening was so wierd, as he was so distracted. I tried to laugh, but then I snapped, as usual. Soon he suggested we talk later in the night, but then neither of us called or messaged each other during the night. I have hundreds of possibilities running in my mind as to why he was distracted, and complicated as he is, he wont tell me straight away. It may be something I said yesterday, the thread of conversation we did not complete, or something he remembered or something at home or getting back to me as I may have been distracted last couple of conversations or my last post maybe... I don't know. And that keeps irritating me further.
I sometimes strongly feel I don't belong in this culture, here. But I feel I belong in no culture. I carry the burden of a lack of strong personality and a lack of self-assured ideas.
People are ready to assault you always. Be it the woman having marital problems and attention seeking disorder making nasty comments at everyone to evoke reaction, or the person in office sending you a rude email when you thought he was a nice gentle sort of a character, to your colleagues who sometimes bring a tinge of racism (or just groupism) even if it isnt so deliberate, or the oh-so-formal or eternally jabbing friends, I am getting a tad sick of everything.
Well, I dont know if I really mean it, but I don't care. Ya, only so much that I am writing about it.

Networking

2008-04-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

Gay Networking, had a first ever experience a few weeks ago when we went to the LGBT movie festival followed by the Interbank drinks event the next week.
It was good to know richer gay people for a change, and encouraging that people were comfortable and open in their workplaces, so much so that they came out to network with other gay men and women.
The thought at the back of my mind was of continous doubt as to the exact intention why people were attending these events in the first place. Especially at the interbank, the attendees were 99% men, which left me wondering whether it was a hunting ground for posh flesh hunters. Some of this doubt was concretized this saturday after our dinner with one of the new contacts I had met there. There was a certain desperation in the manner of this respected gentleman that left a seriously bad taste in the mouth, although I did receive my share of flak for being a "cock-tease" which I have been accused of being many times before by others as well, in subtle hints if not directly. However, there were few people at the event who were there for the purpose of serious social networking with similar people in similar industry, and if individuals do decide that they fancy one another for a steamy session under the covers, that's there own sweet will and no one else's business.
I must say I did meet a few interesting and friendly people on both occasions, and had a good time dining with one of the married couples from the movie nite, later on. Married for ten years, they were the first and only married gay couple in London I know till date.
This, of course, will give me a good platform to build upon, if I indeed decide to stay on in London and look for better and varied career opportunities in Financial services industry. I do have to work a tad harder to get my act together in terms being well verse with all aspects of the domain I am involved with currently.
One crazy thing that dawns upon you is that with such networking events happening, where you are able to identify higher positioned individuals in the industry who may be attracted to you sexually, it may become possible for good looking associates and analysts to sleep their way up the ladder to good positions and good money. And I thought it was only the fashion or media where such a thing was a possibility!

Now, what?

2008-04-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

Now, there is a drift,
Now, there is a stir,
As the pieces fall in place,
So the picture is ablur.
Now, there're reasons to be nice,
Now, feelings spiral out-of-control,
As the days looked-forward-to approach,
In the stack of hay, we roll.
We see, we love, we think,
We say we think we love,
What's happened is clear but how,
Do we care for what's in store?
All we care is here and now.

Bitch

2008-03-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

"Pick up your calls, Bitch"
A pretty harmless statement in our rainbow times, but one which really put me off after a very nice evening out with friends.
Well I think the thing that irks me about the usage of the word is that it is used to address almost anyone and flaunted like an accessory by gay men carrying a "hep" self-image. Its abuse is as frequent as dude, darling and of course the f word. Since almost there is certainly an image of a 'bitch' (self-centred, back-stabbing, wily), why dilute the spite targeted towards a real 'bitch' to every living soul who comes within your friend circle?
If I am being naughty and pulling a friend's leg and they turn around and call me a bitch, I am tickled and happy. But I refuse to accept being addressed like that after every few sentences, and especially on an online message forum or a restaurant etc. It has happened and I have strongly objected and distanced myself from people who can't stop 'bitch'ing others. People should just increase their vocabulary and introduce new ways of addressing others, I am sure that can be so much more interesting.
Try 'Doe' or 'Duck'

Changing times

2008-03-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

I thought this post had been accidently deleted, but it was sitting pretty in drafts... from 11 days ago...

"Us" time over, "me" time begins.
For the next 6 weeks, I will have a lot of time on hand to do things like writing regularly on this blog, pursuing hobbies, fitness regimes, socials, cooking blah blah blah. And then it will be "us" time again and all these things will quickly go on the back burner.
It is pretty obvious that I value the "us" time more than the "me" time, as I willingly decide against or simply forget to do simple things like check my gmail frequently or write a travelogue entry.
Although, had we been staying together all the time, I would have had found a balance between these us, me, you, I times more naturally (at least that's what I hope). But now, these come and go in phases, half the time we end up getting so much "me" time (now whether we do anything productive out of it is another question altogether) that when we do get the "us" time going, we just shut other things out.
Having said that, my eternal balancing act tendency drives me to a very large extent to bring more of the mix of our own times with the times spent doing things separately, but yes its difficult.

No time for fear

2008-03-09T15:55:00.000-07:00

Not getting any time to write here.
I feel like getting consumed by the fear of not being able to do anything, specifically for my presentation in ten days time, and also generally.
This fear is making me more and more unproductive.
Have to conquer it, sit down, make a list and do stuff I have been meaning to do for ages.
This time the fear factor is too strong though. Fear of under-achieving...
Finding it hard to calm down.

New place, old plans

2008-02-20T17:18:00.000-08:00

Off the blog for quite a few days now, mainly coz I am still settling down at my new place.
I still can't believe I shifted to Waterloo. Have been enjoying my first few days here. Work is 15 min away now, that too by bus!! I can actually think of walking to work on nice summer days, its probably just about a couple of kilometres.
Excited about Anu coming to this new house. He'll probably enjoy his stay much more now, although I know he was content at the last place as well. But this is going to be so much better anyway!
I have plans to roam about london (esp now that I live in the centre), get-together of a few friends, evenings out in soho and other places, n of course invites to all those events by Vish. Then of course our trip to Germany, which should be cosy (I hope there is snow there, I hope there is snow there, .....) .. And some more chilling out!!
Have been socialising as usual with the twenty something people, some of them I've begun to recognise and know well, which is very nice. Although if Anu had been here, I know I would have ended up going to the age no restriction meetings. It's because I personally don't feel threatened by older guys, though I know many can be absolute jerks.(And no, this is not because I am attracted to older guys, please....)
Anyway, I am enjoying my occassional evenings out well-spent with some really nice people.

Where are the girls?

2008-02-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

Where are the girls, why is the feminine gender so acutely missing right now from my life story?
Well my girl friends have been from place of work or place of study, and here there are no girls around my working area or in my project at all. It is such a sad situation since I feel really comfortable and close to a girl when she gets to become a friend.
I am meeting so many men socially that I feel deprived of women's company. I think the solution lies in finding a larger variety of things to do socially.

Where should I look for girls -
* Lesbian bars - entry barred for me I think, and who the hell wants to go there anyway
* speed dating - ya sure
* friend's friends - better idea, but all my dear male friends also seem to be on the same path of girl-lessness like me
* cookery classes - they take 200 quid for those, and i dont want to learn cooking, i should be teaching that (which of course those dumb-a**es would not let me), and i think nowadays i will find men in these as well anyway
* clubs - risky, i am usually to be found looking at the handsome bf on the dance floor, and the girl may just be vengeful

Running out of ideas, please suggest.

Second Best

2008-02-07T15:05:00.000-08:00

First the update, I should be shifting to Waterloo soon, right in ZONE UNO, and yes I am excited. :-)

Now on to the lament...
All the material things that come to me are the second best.
It is such a regular feature of my life, that it is scary and funny at the same time. Be it the choice of college, specialization, work project, house location, movie at the cinema or the dish that I order, I am usually denied my first choice by fate. Something or the other has to be wrong even in the best thing that comes my way, which leaves me in a "happy but could have been happier" state.
I should indeed be grateful that I get the second choice and not have to wait for the nth, but being the selfish prick I am, I don't always rejoice in this fact.
One concern that suddenly arises in my mind is that if I believe in the above too much, I might automatically start working less hard to get my first choice, knowing that I will eventually end up with the second choice anyway.

The sun is shining, so please don't be mad at me...

2008-02-04T11:50:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days.
Everything went well and everything went right.
Visa granted, albeit some suspense on the duration that they have obliged to grant it for. All work at office went smoothly and lots was achieved. The insurers faxed my physician and even though he is on holiday, the other physician called to say she will take care of it, so I can keep my knee appointment with the specialist on Saturday intact. Feels nice.
Yesterday was quite mixed in contrast, more worse than better. You can't expect the rest of the evening to go very well, if the boyfriend decides to get angry at your 'uncaring' attitude! I was really shaken to hear that said about me, and was left trembling in my pyjamas. And of course, trying to ask for forgiveness and make him feel better somehow. Today also, he has slept without talking to me and something tells me all my efforts to make him feel better yesterday night did not work fully well. I hated to feel like that and I will hate it even more if I make him feel like that at all, without meaning it, so I sincerely hope things will be completely alright tomorrow.
I have full faith the Munich trip will be real fun :-)
We will escape all the summer tourists and have all those charming locations to ourselves with some nice nip in the air. I am already visualising what all we will do!

Yet another week ends

2008-01-31T15:58:00.000-08:00

Saw the opera "Madam Butterfly" running for a limited edition at the London Coliseum. I have no idea how people shell out 70 quid for that! It was nothing but a pathetic Hindi film storyline that could be wrapped in 5 min, spread over 3 hours. It was visually spectacular and everything, and quite modern in presentation, but at the end I am glad I was paying only 10 quid, thanks to Manny arranging a staff rate. Overall, I liked the dramatic end, but the romance was nothing but a big yawn.

Tomorrow is going to be a hectic day before big day Monday, when I should get my schengen stamped! Finally, after 10 months of being in this country, it's a shame I hadn't got it done till now.

Pass by...

When the waking eyes are dreamless,
when the sunset came too soon,
you search inside for feelings,
you used them as festoon.

The calm inside is scary,
you like it being alone,
The calm inside is precious,
your heart and mind atone.

The days are passing by us,
the seasons flowing by,
we may or may not live our dreams,
we certainly bid goodbye.

Time flies

2008-01-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

Time goes by... so slowly
time goes by... so slowly... so slowly... so slowly

I disagree with Madonna Auntie. Time just flies!

Gotta do so much, not even time to update my blog with all that...
First things first, gotta talk to my knee and tell it to get up and running quick.

Going for my first opera in ages tomorrow!

Life's good, relatively.

Failing to achieve

2008-01-26T09:54:00.000-08:00

Got some new books today, about politics, meditation, science/psychoanalysis and german :-) No more Indian authors this time...
Kept talking to Anu for more than a couple of hours, and also at home and now its evening already!
Get this feeling I haven't "achieved" what I wanted to... which mainly was some sick work I have to do as part of the "knowledge-building" activities my company encourages us to participate in. Boring Bull-shit.
The knee still hurts. But told folks at home today that it is all fine now, esp since mom goes into this high-pitch lament of how I have gone so far away and that she is unable to help me and comfort me, and that it gives her loads of mental tension thinking about all this. So no more problems discussed from now on, no more mental tension.
Haven't been able to make my mind about shifting out scenario as well. Saw Manny's flat and its location is really quite good. 4 min walk from London eye and South bank! You can't ask for a better location really. Then why didnt I say yes to him, well for one the amount exceeds my maximum budget by 22% and super maximum budget by 12%. And I didnt fall in love with the apartment - no balcony/garden, super tiny kitchen smelling of sea-food. I am still confused, waiting for the best choice to make itself obvious to me miraculously.
The 2 glasses of tempranillo have worked like a charm.
Time to go - clean the room, "achieve".

The Lost Boy

2008-01-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

Got a comment that my posts are dead boring nowadays. Now Mr. M, leave this comment on the post rather than trying to make my gung-ho post a post every-so-often morale nose-dive over the phone. I am quite sure the number of readers here does not exceed my lucky number of 4 anyway.

Saw Priscilla - Queen of the desert and Juno today, nice ones both. Saw the Australian outback for the first time in a film I think, and both films had their funny moments.

Finished Anita Desai's novel as well. She made the character of the German Jew in Bombay so real, that I felt like a personal loss at the end of the novel when he died. "Pish-pash", a word I remember from the novel. A dish. It describes some of our lives quite well, I thought. Pish-pash, a mix of everything, and mostly nothing.
Its been weird, the last few weeks, months. Everything is a "maybe", desires are blurred and confusing and emotions are full-on high drama-gear, laughter, smiles, tears, misery, come and go with such furious intensity and rapid frequency, that things feel like a mess sometimes, again, Pish-pash. Exercising control over all this looks a complete necessity, yet feels unnatural.

So, it does finally make sense to me to look inside my spiritual self, as Anu has asked me so often to do. And, so I will. I feel an unusually shaky starter though, surprisingly, in terms of not knowing what to do, where to begin, with these doubts being larger than when I have started on other new paths. But then so is the search itself.

If only only 20% of my thoughts entered my mind at a time rather than the clutter that exists in it, I would have been much better off.

More crazy

2008-01-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

Ok another list.
Crazy things I feel like doing:

1. Feel a perfectly bald guy's head with my palm, humming a tune loudly (Gawd I saw the perfect candidate for this in the tube today, but couldn't gather the courage)
2. Sit on top and make a pony of my pet dog (yes I will have one one day), and hold its ears. (I know I will have to pretend I am sitting, else the poor thing will die, or worse bite me)
3. Do a sex course where they teach you how to be great at it, bring all sorts of dildos and sex toys and do demonstrations. (Oh my god, did I just do this day before yesterday in a lecture hall right in the middle of London university!!... uber cool)
4. Negotiate my way through a huge dark forested area at night, o gawd... it would be so terrific, that is, if I survive multiple heart-attacks caused by the sound of my own feet while walking on dry leaves.
5. Take a glider and jump off a cliff. Number 1.
6. Pick each house in my lane one by one, and peek into all their accessible windows for a fixed number of days each, and form a theory on the life of its inhabitants by what I see. And after I'm done, peek more where its worth peeking, if you know what I mean.
7. Buy all toy characters of the GI Joe variety, place them at various places in the house and then treat the whole place as their world, and create a mini series of their adventures, actually film it you know. Actually its not a bad idea! Umm...so that's where the toy story guys stole their idea from, my mind!
8. Go to office in drag. Hmm..., strangely exciting, this thought.
9. Invite all rude people I know (of all genders), and who I want revenge from for being nasty and mean, get them drugged and strip them naked, and cane their bu**. lol

Sitting at Home

2008-01-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

I was watching Heroes all day yesterday. It is such a wasteful activity, but yet it is addictive. I decided not to resist the urge to watch episode after episode and finished the first season. Now, I can have a breather, and move on to other things (No, not the next season). Well, not the next season because the climax of the first was such a big let down, that if asked what was wrong with it, I wouldn't know where to start. Something that started dramatically, and had its brilliant edge-of-the-seat moments, huffed and puffed to a grinding halt in the finale.

Then, had a bout of the oh-what-is-my-life-supposed-to-be and oh-what-i-am-doing-with-it syndromes, but managed to lose it as soon as it started to get troublesome. There are things to do, and figuring out what are those that I really need to do is the first of them. But worrying about it should be definitely off the list. The starting point for me is to realise that I am OK as is. Even if there is no creativity, no material goal to achieve in mind, no definite plan of action, it is still the way it is. Perhaps it is much closer to the state of happiness than a life full of achievement and desires to carry the flag of achievement till you reach your death bed. And then, doing what I want to do, conquering laziness but building contentedness. Gosh, that’s a f***ing tough balance to achieve!

Being nice

2008-01-12T11:43:00.000-08:00

Being nice. Its not bad. Its rather nice to be nice actually.
But what about perpetual Mr. Nices like me? Who can't help but greet every mortal on this earth with a stupid smile; who can't help but agree that they see a point in most ideas of most people; who can't help but thrust their shoulder in front whenever anybody evenly remotely acquainted is looking for one to soak with their tears and who can find it most difficult thing in the world to openly criticize or belittle someone?
Well, then being nice can become equivalent to being an ass, as I continuously come across people who give me their piece of mind and their judgment and their rude remarks left, right and center knowing fully well that I am a nice (read weak, for them) guy. And nice guys aren't rude in return.
Only,... that I have now learnt to be. I give it back to them with the same (at times more) ferocity than they hurled it my way.
But I can't do it all the time. That's not what I am. When I decide to get rude or even curt with someone, that's not me, it is just a mask I have to wear in self-defense. And at times when I am not able to do it, I must not be upset about it, and I am learning that as well.
Plus, I shouldn't bother too much, coz even if they do think I am weak and incompetent, they do fall in love with me anyway.

Raking the memory bin

2008-01-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

Most wonderful memories
1. Last year, at Wales, when we reached the cliffs, and I went Wow.
2. My birthday in 2005, awesome... whole new sensations during and after making love.
3. Feeling of being really popular, on being elected Finsoc prez at college after my speech, 2004
4. The boat ride on the lake in Udaipur with parents and bro, in great weather, and eating absolutely delicious sandwiches on the roadside after that, 1989
5. Quite a few memories from Bangalore - post-lunch walks, drunken chit-chat at home, night-outs, and more...

Ghastly memories:
1. Sitting crying in the rain for 2 hours, 2005
1. Paper cancellation in 3rd semester for no fault of mine on charges of cheating, 1998
2. Seeing all women of the house crying, seated in a line at the hospital, when my grandfather died, 1987
3. Children of the neighbourhood uniting to exclude me from the game, without specifying the reason that did not occur to me until much later, 1988
4. Hitting the lowest ebb ever in my school grades in the first term of class XII, 1996
5. Sitting and looking out from the window of our first floor flat feeling hopeless, for return of Mom and Dad, or of my little brother who was not back home from the video game shop even after dark. 1990
Plus couple of other faded memories from when I was a little child myself...

The past ten years have been quite better I'd say :-)

Bored in pain

2008-01-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

Subah hoti hai shaam hoti hai,
zindagi yun hee tamaam hoti hai...

My knee hurts, but thankfully I get the feeling it will heal in 3-4 days. Yesterday the pain brought with it a lot of negative thoughts. But I think I tackled them well with reason. For every reason to bring myself down and depressed, I could pull out two to make me feel good and cheerful. Even in pain.
Now I remember trying to do a little shake-n-twist as I put on the music today on returning from office, and I smile and wince at the same time, the pain was there, is still there, but I am not afraid.
Yes, I was afraid yesterday. That makes you weak. One has to be stronger, I have to be stronger, definitely.
That said, my whole week is definitely ruined. I am not viewing any more flats tomorrow and would also not be going to the group on Wednesday. I haven't been to the group for three months now, its just that all these first wednesdays, I've been busy in something.
In a way, I am glad I got hurt after a long time. The body must know of its capability to function even in pain. To hop in cold wind for thirty minutes, knowing it will eventually reach home and get the rest it deserves.
In a way, if this does happen, we become creatures used to so much comfort that pain in our body becomes an alien phenomenon, which we aren't ready to face, let alone endure.
Now a couple of days, the pain doesn't bother me that much. I know it's taking its time. And I can go back to the usual office, cooking, TV/book/internet routine taking it in my stride, limping and hopping, back to the daily cycle of mornings and evenings, mornings and evenings...

Year gone-by (II)

2008-01-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

Had a nice day first looking up flats to rent with V and then gossiping over lunch (that I prepared), and now sipping some wine listening to music, and jotting this down as an episode of heroes loads in the background so I can watch it.
Heroes, I don't particularly like it now having seen about 7 episodes already. It has all its twists and turns and complexities that keep you engrossed but somehow it is just another american soap, despite not being a soap at all, if you know what i mean.
Anyway, what else did I do last year. Oh yes, made new friends. That is, in London, of course. I was new in London, so I had to make friends, and I did. And now am glad I have a sort of social circle in London. But I am spending more and more time with myself, and happily so. I do get the "lonely" feeling at times, but that's part of it because I choose to spend time with myself. Watching movies I like, running on the schedule I want, doing as I please etc etc
My interactions with Anu are also maturing, as is our relationship, although quite slowly. Both he and I know that there are loads of things we just have to accept and take into our stride, and we are learning it is possible to do that. It is again a part of choosing my actions and agreeing to be responsible for them, which includes my partner and my respect, love and care for him, taking into consideration the situation that is out of my control. But as always, I found it is never going to be easy for us, and maybe that's the fun of it all.
I travelled this year, but not as much as I would have liked to. Visited Jaisalmer in feb and that was a good one, with elaborate descriptions on this blog. From London, Anu and I visited Scotland and Wales and Brighton and Southend. I still want to visit more beaches and the lake district but that's gonna happen in the summer. We had an amazing time in Wales and Brighton, and this year I am sure gonna travel much more. Bavaria, here we come, in feb end!

Year gone-by

2008-01-04T17:20:00.000-08:00

Well last year deserves at least a post on itself doesn’t it?
Life was certainly less exciting this year than 2006.
The first two months were spent waiting for the UK project to happen, mixed with lots of confusion about other roles and positions in Noida / NY. I am quite ridiculous when it comes to making any kind of choice on my own, though this year I have tremendously improved on this front. Well the Merrill project happened, and March was spent preparing to get here.

The next nine months were on expected lines work-wise. I enjoyed the fact that the work was not entirely boring and hardly ever hectic. I hardly made any friends at work, continuing the trend that started in Noida. It is in strong contrast to Amsoft and HP, where I forged quite strong friendship that seem to last the test of time. There are two factors I attribute to this – The close friendships from these two previous employers are more because these people have come into the inner personal sphere of my life, and know me to a greater extent than the outside world. And also, it is plain simple harder to make friends as you grow in the company; everyone turns into a boring married person or hideous conniving person, many a times both.

I stayed clear of all “freshie” Indians like myself at work. Well I would admit I tried to make an effort to get along and plan weekends together at start, but gave up once I found myself utterly bored and frustrated in their company.

Also gave a thought to getting a certification or getting some massive reading going to get to really become the expert in my area I should be, but that just remained a thought. If one gets super appraisals just by doing what I do, then where is the need to put in an extra effort? I still might go for a certification after all, keeping with my penchant for securing a bright future.

Well lets just keep this post for my worklife this year then shall we... how utterly boring.
More in the next one, ya there should be a next one within this year.

Crazy

2007-12-29T02:49:00.000-08:00

"But we're never gonna survive unless,
We get a little crazy."
- Words from my current favorite Crazy by Alanis Morrisette.

Hmm, no we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy. Its great when we are a little crazy isn't it? And what do crazy people do? They do crazy things of course. Like laugh or cry for no reason, sing (or dance) in the middle of a packed train, smile and wink at whoever they are attracted to, talk to their friends at top volume in the cafe for four hours so everyone in the place is tuned into their conversation, do a tap dance on the bar (or disco, or bhangra), go exploring a deserted under-construction house after dark for any inhabitants, jump a safe distance from one balcony to the adjacent one on the twentieth floor, kiss strangers anywhere, think that anything is possible...
So we're never gonna survive, coz we are not even a little crazy, or are we?

"In a world full of people, only some want to fly.
Isn't that crazy?"

Block

2007-12-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

Just dont' know what to write.
About the goings on in the last few weeks, about issues, about anything in general, about what...
Keep logging in and logging out of this blog.
How pathetic am I.

Night of the curtain

2007-10-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

Twisting, writhing, yawning,
the images flicker on.
The zombie rocks, to a slow rythm
the glint of metal falls.
The sun wouldn't dare delay,
its ways are absolute truth.
But what if the curtain is drawn?
What if the truth is but to brood?
Things dealt and done with,
Are always higher than the dreams,
But dreams are inside your curtains,
and dark images are mine it seems.

One life

2007-10-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

There is this life, and then there are more,
who knows.
I know, you know, so I know too.
Unfair, short, unclear, undeniably exciting,
this isnt what its supposed to be.
Where are you when I wake and sigh.
Are those the beats?
Or is it just me, high.
We do things what we tell ourselves not to,
and then there's addiction.
We are shamed whether or not we ought to,
you are already on the middle page dear,
dont close it now, what did u expect?
this is what it is, non-fiction.

Chuck India

2007-09-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Yuvraj singh gets 1 crore rupees for one over of hitting! All poor scores in past overlooked and one can only sense the oncoming bashing from Australia.
In so many senses, seeing the attitude of players on field (it was appaling in the Australia match, they totally acted like men who know they won by fluke) and all funds and sponsorships diverted from all other sports to one (where by the way we rank 7th out of 8),it seems like a loss more than a gain for the future.

Desperate

2007-09-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

So empty, so hollow,
the tide of time eats the shell.
In a way, you say
this is life.
Desperate,
I rush to agree.
When was it?
When I last tasted fresh water.
Why do I hear nothing?
The bellowing conk,
the ocean within.
A dream passes
A dream begins.

Could have been

2007-08-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

1st august 2007,
As i gaze out of my window overlooking the thames with trains rolling into the london bridge station and the london eye slowly rotating away endlessly in a distance, i just realize its august of 2007 already.

I shall soon be 28. And going by plans that I had when I was turning 25, I should have had a wedding date fixed for this winter.

How would the scenario have been? I would have returned home to Delhi late Nov, with the marriage scheduled for Dec 1st week. Mum Dad would have frantically frisked me off to the nearest tailor to get alterations done for the ill-fitting suits prepared in my absence. Bro would have arrived well in advance for the wedding, but would have had to rush back soon after and prepare for his third trimester exams. He wouldn't really have been too happy with the marriage timing, but of course could not have done much as the inauspicious "saya" would have not allowed any other dates for the event to take place.

There would be the usual stream of pre-marriage ceremonies and relatives pouring in from everywhere, and the d-day would soon arrive and go without anybody realizing. After a couple of days the family would finally sit and, relaxing for the first time in days, would marvel at how much was managed and accomplished at such short notice, and thank god for being kind enough to see the proceedings go along nicely.

I would have probably had an extension of the project back here, and so would have had to rush here, even as the wife applied for her visa, complaining how she was being made to leave her secure job and friendly colleagues, but also thrilled a little at how living in London would be like, and that she could take it easy at least for a few months before finding a job, and at least boast to her friends back home about a honeymoon in scotland.

I would have hunted for a 1 BHK here, in a decent locality, not too desi / not too english. I would've booked a sky tv package taking care it should play star plus, so she doesn't miss India, as it was actually the only request made by the in-laws.

She would arrive soon, complaining about the sari she was made to wear by my mom which made her flight so uncomfortable, but would be relieved to hear that many women actually do go around in a sari over here, and it is not considered too out-of-place anymore.

Soon it would have been a rather hectic hotch-potch of office, groceries, dinners, interspersed with sex, outings and meeting up other couples.

Traveling in the tube, standing close to each other, I would have thought and smiled to myself, how I was unnecessarily scared of marriage. It was turning out fine, we were doing well and there didn't appear any major issues, all initial hiccups were now settling.

And then..... As that perfume would have hit my nostrils, I would have turned back to see who it was wearing a nice male EDT that I remembered looking at, at Harrods sale only last weekend. My eyes would have fell on that chest, peeking from under his open button T, with his nips faintly outlined from under the body hugging fabric. His longish hair would have been slightly dishevelled, standing out from the close crop that everyone was carrying now in London, including me. His blue eyes would be looking in the other direction, and as the complete beauty of his gradually sank into me, they would shift their gaze onto me. And in those seconds when our gazes locked, and I noticed a faint smile on his lips, I would have died.

Viva-aah

2007-05-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

Why do people get into an arranged marriage? Why doesn't everyone find their own soulmate and then get married?

Is it because they are afraid of major decisions in life? That they will be fully responsible for any marital "failure" with no one else to blame?

Well... loving someone takes a lot of your emotional energy, time and nurturing and compromising and dreaming and believing. It is complicated and you have to devote urself. People don't have that much time and courage. They want to "get over with it" and "carry on with life". They want a framework, a template to live in, with milestones set by parents, society that they just have to follow. Simple right? They can do it their eyes closed.

So why make an investment to love someone?

(Excerpts from a conversation with MK)

Romancing the desert

2007-03-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

The afternoon drive to our desert camp was short and soon we could see camel-wallahs sitting right next to the road, and seeking customers to ride their camels. But we had instructions to drive right up to the camp on a dirt track. The camp was quite huge, and we had a nice big carpeted tent, with running-water tiled bathrooms and even a rajput warrior-helmet shaped lamp. I was not expecting the camp tents to be so large, complete with a wooden table and chairs, let alone provision of electricity. But since this was turning out to be a royal luxury trip anyway, I decided to be pleasantly surprised, instead of putting across a characteristic crib about the facilities being an over-kill and against the spirit of adventure. Actually I quite loved the camp.

Soon I found myself mounting Rocket, our camel, to take us to the sand dunes, with Anurag sitting right behind me, and Anuj and Manish on Rocket's brother behind us. We had a camel-of-a-time during the short half-hour journey to the dunes. Contrary to popular opinion, I find the camel quite an amusing and entertaining creature in its own way. The perpetual smirk on its face and couldn't-care-less attitude makes it quite a case study. It's bite on being irritated is said to be quite painful though...

We reached the dunes when it was still some time to sunset. So as a pasttime, and on suggestion from our guides Sattaarbhai and Saif, Anuj and I decided to race our camels. Now this was adventure! Rocket huffed and puffed, and I wildly went up and down on his back, with his rein in my hand, as he raced quite comfortably in the sand. One can compare it to sitting on horse back, only this horse has a huge hump, is fifty percent taller and attempts to throw you in each and every different direction with every step he races. Of course all guidance to the camel and crucial pulls on the rein were coming from Sattarbhai sitting behind me.

After these thrills there was time to enjoy some folk music and dance, A group of local musicians wanted to put up a performance and we readily obliged. So we listened to some earthy folk as two cute kids danced in their traditional ghaghras, and soon Anurag couldn't resist joining them for a thumka or two, and all of us cheered on excitedly. As the performers left us cheerful and happily singing our favourite songs, we sat back and waited for the fast approaching sunset. I looked around the sand-dunes and noticed they were not really big as compared to the ones we watch on TV, but those are the ones from bigger deserts like Sahara. I'm sure even the Thar would have really large dunes, but only if one ventures quite into its interior.

The sun soon turned into a red ball, and sat nicely as a beautiful red globe on the horizon, soon slipping into oblivion, and left us sighing with the romance inducing enigmatic imagery in front of our eyes.

The golden city of Rajasthan

2007-02-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

Next morning brought with it a bright sun and crisp cool air, perfect for our day of glory in the middle of the enchanted desert destination. After a quick tour of the hotel property, we packed our bags and set out for a closer look at the famed Mehrangarh fort and havelis of jaisalmer.

The fort is the only "living" fort in India, in the sense that there are around 2000 houses inside the fort itself and people actually live there to this date.By the time we reached, the sun was quite bright and we were wondering how scorching it would be in summer! On entering the fort, we suddenly found ourselves in a different world altogether. The stoned pathway had majestic fortwalls rising on either side. The pathway was littered by colourful shops on both sides. Most were selling rajasathani handicraft - colourful "pagdis", statues, hangings, tinkrets, clothes, bags, jewellery, all nice and bright and obviously aimed at targeting foreign tourists with Indian exotica. The light tones of folk music wafted through the air, and I felt the magic in my heart become real in the surroundings around me.

We hired a guide to take us around as we had limited time on hand, else I would have just wanted to roam about the fort at leisure. In fact the best idea for anyone going to Jaisalmer is to book a hotel inside the fort itself. There are dozens of them inside there, and I am sure they would be offering competitive rates upon haggling, as they do to the hordes of backpackers that throng from europe with long itenararies and little money to spend carelessly. The guide took us to a couple of Jain temples. These reminded me a lot of the temples in the Jagannath temple complex at Puri with small dark mysterious looking chambers, exquisite carvings in the stone and an overall peaceful atmosphere. The whole of Mehrangarh fort is a structure created by assembling blocks of stone, so there is no cement binding the construction material. Of course it has perfectly stood the test of time, like the pyramids which are similar structures, only much grander and ancient.

The king's palace inside the fort is now a museum, and the guide took us through four floors showing us the king's courts "Diwaan-e-aam","Diwaan-e-khaas", the courtesan's dancing chambers, queen's private chambers, the rang mahal containing gold plated wall paintings, weaponry, and the terrace offering a beautiful view of the golden city and surrounding desert. We descended back into the alleys and moved on to the Havelis nearby. The Patwa Haveli was available to view from inside, and presented a peek into the wealthy old days of Jaisalmer's rich merchants who stayed in these havelis and made a living out of trading gold, cloth and opium with the persian and afghan traders from the west. The havelis must have been tastefully decorated and the common areas like the kitchen where particularly impressive.

Moving out, Anuj tried on some pagdis and dhotis at the shops and we even checked out the leather bags and colorful wooden showpieces, but did not pick up anything. Thus ended our tour of the Jaisalmer city and fort, and it was time to head for a desert camp and a camel safari towards the evening.

Rajasthan - Destination Jaisalmer

2007-02-19T05:01:00.000-08:00

Day 1

After a lot of characteristic dilly-dallying, I told Anurag that we must head out to Rajasthan, and not go rafting again, as frankly the adventure and excitement of braving the ganga rapids was majorly being overshadowed by the prospect of being near cold water and a lot of exertion just after getting up from illness.

Manish had already announced that he was coming along, irrespective of the destination. And on the last day, Anuj gave his confirmation as well. So it was to be the 4 of us heading for a 3-day culture-heritage desert trip, in the exact opposite direction from where 8 of us were supposed to head for the adventure rafting camp. Destination choices were Jodhpur, Jaisalmer and Bikaner. Anurag had been to Bikaner before, and Jodhpur was not really "desert", and so not the typical mental picture of Rajasthan, so Jaisalmer it was to be.

We started early as Delhi-Jaisalmer is a good 14 hours by road. We were driving Anurag's Ford Fiesta, and I was really quite excited and looking forward to driving all the way, with Manish to share the wheel in turns. The roads did not disappoint us at all. All national highways in Rajasthan offer an extremely smooth journey where you can clock real highway speeds. As Delhi gets left behind further and further, the landscape changes face as well. It becomes increasingly arid and the yellow of mud starts to stand out as the pre-dominant colour.

Stopping by near Bikaner for lunch, we reached Jaisalmer only by nightfall. The road between Bikaner and Jaisalmer deserves a special mention. It reminded me of the Hollywood thriller movies with a mid-western backdrop. A huge barren expanse, where the visibility on the road can extend to 25 km. No civilization next to the highway for miles and miles on end, and your are tempted to touch dangerous speeds.

The hotel at jaisalmer was nice big one (courtesy Anurag as usual) with both the exteriors and the interiors done up like a fort. The view of the city from our room window was impressive and after dinner, the four of us strolled out to admire the spectacularly lit fort visible in a distance. All the houses in the city were lit mostly in yellow light, which accentuated the golden brown look of the city. We decided to sleep off the travel weariness to be fresh the next day of exploring the magnificence of Jaisalmer.

Nishabd

2007-01-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Chahne walon ne mujhe dekha...., kaha jiyo zindagi
Ghoom aaya hun mele mein...., ghar sunsaan sa kyon hai?

Life. Not an abyss. Not a dream.
No thoughts.
Just desires...

Tring Tring

2007-01-16T21:02:00.000-08:00

Long live telephone conversations. So addictive, there are so many of us who just cannot get off the phone.
A junior colleague of mine talks endlessly over the company land line phone or his own mobile. And when I say endlessly, it is no exaggeration. This guy speaks on the phone for atleast 6 hours while in office! He is on bench and that usually means you are without work for most of your working hours. It is clear that mostly he talks to his boyfriend/girlfriend, cause he talks in a hushed tone, keeps giggling, kissing, or getting sentimental in between. I have tried to remind him at times of the harm to his career growth these conversations are having, but he doesnt appeared too bothered with all that. I'm sure the telephone conversation is a newly acquired craze, as is the person he's talking to, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to clear entrance to get into IITKanpur.
And then there is this acquaintance who goes to sleep every night talking over the phone, so much so that he just tucks his phone under his head on the pillow, and slowly dozes off as he speaks over the phone!! I pity the poor people on the other end who suddenly are subjected to snores instead of the conversation that they were supposed to be having...lol
And I am no better. I've been spending almost a couple of hours everyday during office hours on phone :) Even though I think about postponing conversations to night (or during the car ride back home), it doesnt end up happening... Addictions, addictions, we just keep adding them to our lists, don't we?

What next?

2007-01-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

This year I look forward to travelling. I want to make this year the most "active" for me ever. Not that last year was not active too, I had an amazing amount of things happening at both personal and professional fronts, and I went through all emotions and thoughts swaying from one end of the spectrum to the other, as also travelled places and made friends. So this year I want to carry it further by doing things I have wanted to, and not just sit and keep thinking about them.
My parents still hold their observant silence about the whole thing, and though every now and then they keep giving an indication that they are not going to "let things be" so easily, they accept more about me and my behaviour every single day, and I fell less pressurized and obligated.
So one of the things in the agenda is to call a friend, and then maybe a group of friends, over at home for dinner/movie. I have been so wanting to do something like that ever since I shifted back home, and it will also help me gauge the reaction of my folks.
But the most important thing that I have decided to undertake with my own life is to lessen ambiguity. To understand and accept situations and people around me, and my interactions with them, and to actually behave accordingly. To check my innate, or maybe conditioned, desire of being nice and thus being liked by everyone, if I have to. Do some things just on my own sometimes, feeling content and happy just being with myself, and not even aware of people around.

Re-appearing shortly

2007-01-12T04:44:00.000-08:00

So many things in mind and now its time to be back....

Small nice things

2006-09-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

Back after yet another long break. Devoid of ideas and urge to write, what could I have done?

Anyway, was just thinking to myself, it feels good to keep doing small small nice things for those you care about. There have been greater number of instances when I have been the receiver of small niceties from others than the other way round, yet, as is always said, what you will do will end up coming around.

What can one do? Make a cup of tea in the morning for Dad, cut a CD of your friend's fav songs and give it to her, send an affectionate message to the cousin you went and stayed with, make a collage of all memories of good times shared and put them in a huge birthday card, send a cheerful optimistic email to a friend going through a tough phase...

And for yourself, just observe the look on a small child's face peering out of a bus window, and smile, because life works itself out.

Reason to smile

2006-08-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

Busy day. Have things to finish off at office.
Even the elements seemed to suggest so, as the trees were not swaying, the sun was already bright yellow and the air was cool but still, as I walked my walk.
I found myself wondering, as a song played which reminded me of Vienna, as to how my thoughts used to be at that point in time. I couldn't really remember correctly. I had been thinking that my thoughts have changed drastically in the last year or two, but somehow felt that wasn't the case in reality. For a second, I wanted to go back in time and check how it felt then.
My thoughts wandered, as usual, to him. I pictured him coming up the escalator at the Mall, as I looked on from above, hidden from his sight. He looked around a lil, not really appearing to search for anything, but expectantly coming ahead and obviously looking forward to see me. The way his face lit up, as it lights up every single time on recognising me from among the crowd, is beyond expression. The child-like grin and the smile in his eyes is irresistible and infectious. And whenever I remember it, I can't keep from smiling.
So I am glad that facing this busy day, I have a reason to smile.

Looking forward

2006-07-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

"Waking up to a glorious sunny morning with scattered clouds and a lovely breeze is an experience one shouldn't miss", I thought as I walked my brisk morning walk; that I have decided to take up, as the only means to stay away from the ominous paunch, very visible on everyone in my office.

What is there to be morose about, I asked myself? You are appreciating the leaves and branches swaying in the wind, the clouds rushing across a beautiful blue sky, the greenery and freshness that welcomes you in the park and the music that plays in your ears. You are feeling healthy, you are feeling like an achiever, you are aware, and you are smiling.

You are different. But nature considers you as much its own as it does anybody else.

I looked at the golf greens across the fence and admired the beautiful grass shining in the sun. And I felt the urge to go visit places where more sites and sounds await me, each more beautiful than the other. And I thought that I will keep this vision alive and work towards it to make my traveling desires a reality.

Then I found myself wondering as to who I will have for company? Well, I will have myself. And thankfully I think I will have people who take me and appreciate me as I am, who I can be transparent to. I think that is important. To be able to live your life without pretensions.

Life can change drastically anytime, you never know if tomorrow you will get a paralytic attack and spend the rest of your days like a vegetable. Will you regret "not doing" something then? Be proactive and spend your life the way you want, putting your heart, mind and soul into it.

If you are different, how can you still expect a traditional way to live? Is that all you think life is about, living in a particular fashion? Isn't there more to experience and learn and relish for everyone for a lifetime?

I understand that these may have sounded as just words without a practical applicability if I had heard them, at another time in another context. But I believe if I can ingrain these in myself, I won't be as scared and morose anymore.

One has to find his own space, and I trust there is lots for everyone to find.

And I must thank God that he has given me the power to choose, the awareness to understand and for everything else that has come along with it.

Mundane musings

2006-07-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

Traveling to office for an hour and a half means that my blog entries can be partly composed on my mobile phone notes.
The journey is usually boring; and I resort to listening to music from my new mobile, or participating in the discussion which is always kept on by the other car-pool members (and which usually leaves me in a lot of discomfort of having to bear the ignominy of coming everyday and listening to insensitive people cribbing about mundane things or lesser)

So anyway, here are a couple of pertinent questions that I came to think while trying to ignore my close-to-obnoxious car-pool colleagues, all the time observing them as well, and getting amused.

Why does silence frighten you? Why do you panic if you or the people around you are not speaking continuously?

Do all of us need a scenario? Do we really need to have at least a slight notion about what we will be generally doing when we are at 45? (This being kept in mind that I still have a considerable time to get there!)

Answer these questions if you think they pertain to you as well.

Dreamin' of cowboys?

2006-07-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

A Cowboy's gotta be what he's gotta be.
If you really love a Gay Cowboy
keep him free

Busy writing our tragedy

2006-07-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

And so the hiatus ends, and I write my ....err..
Why do we want to get busy writing our tragedy? And more than that, creating one when there is none?
Well anyway, my current tragedy is the weather here in Delhi and around, coupled with the bordering-on-intolerable power situation evrywhere here. If Gurgaon faces atleast 3 to 4 hours of powercuts everyday, Noida is no better. All the more it reminds me of the bliss that Bangalore weather is, and accentuates my misery.
But having lamented enough and more on my tragedy, I have decided to try and take all this in my stride now. It isn't as if I did not know of the situation before coming here. So all I have to do is to focus on the reasons I shifted here in the first place, and take definitive measures to tackle the problems faced.
Some basic steps to that effect include:
Taking to pen and paper in a power failure situation and write on about stuff (this entry has been written on paper first);
Making task lists to keep myself busy on weekends, so that when the heat starts to disorient you or frustratingly push you into an involuntary slumber, you still can consciously tend to something that needed to be done and pass safely through troubling times;
Buying a whole set of summer apparel a.k.a. skimpy clothing to help tolerate the heat;
And finally, generally cheer myself up with all nice things around that I tend to simply overlook nowadays...

A year's halt in life?

2006-05-31T04:01:00.000-07:00

Le chalein le chalein
Yaadon ke ye kaafile..
Jayenge hum jahan,
yeh zameen aasmaan milen.

Looking forward expectantly and apprehensively, taking a long sigh and panicking for a moment on the sanity of my decision, lovingly remembering every (almost) moment that I have spent here, wondering what future has in store.

I'll miss bangalore and the dearest friends I have here tremendously.
A year's halt in life? No, I have lived here much more than I have ever lived at all.

Da Vinci reloaded

2006-05-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

The weekend started well with da vinci code, and chinese food.
The movie is well made and better than i expected. All the talk about the holy grail, did not really strike me as very important even as I had read the book, nor did it today. Anyway, what did strike me was the importance of belief, in our lives. Whatever we have been told over time becomes the truth, or a way of life. We do not know what is true from history. As someone put it, most history is the history of the victorious in war. Rest of the truth is lost in time or distorted beyond recognition.
The identity of the sacred feminine, the equality of power that the female could have held, had truth not been distorted, forces me to draw a parallel about the possibility of something like this w.r.t sexuality.
We cannot be totally sure how our ancestors viewed alternate sexuality, whether it was prevalent, shunned, closeted or maybe a way of life (as increasingly in some western societies)
Whatever it was, would probably never be known, as any treatise or artifacts depicting such life could be conveniently sought out and destroyed meticulously over centuries.
Even though suggesting Jesus a wife is weird enough for most people, I wouldn't mind an idea propounding a treasure hunt for the "holy male"... what a thought!

You love

2006-05-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

...
aadhi aadhi jaagi.. aadhi aadhi soyi,
aankhen ye teri to lagta hai royi...
le kar ke naam hamaara.
...

well,
you demand, you expect, you're mean, you cry, but you love, you feel guilty, you give in, you apologize, you think, you don't think, you laugh, you go on and you are left behind.
you love...

Coming Out

2006-05-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

It becomes easier after every time you do it. I didn't go through much more than an increased heartbeat, as I came out to a friend a couple of days ago. This, as compared to the palpitation and shivering that I went through the first time sitting in a cafe, was surprisingly easy.
But there is an undeniable indecision here as well. When you decide to come out to a close friend, you decide to share something that was hidden for so long, that you had begun to think that was the only way to live. There is a feeling of exposing yourself, you feel vulnerabe. There is a fear of losing a friendship because of inability to accept, when you could have not told and things could have gone smoothly as always. But then, the friendship can, and maybe should, get stronger after this. When you can talk about a very important aspect of your life to a dear friend or at least have the assurance that the friend will be there to talk and share your feelings/joys/griefs when you need it.
But this time, I also did it for another reason. I realised that a fear in my head told me that this path was a path of no return. If I tell everyone of my friends about me, they shall accept it, but what if I want to go back to the lifestyle and ideas I had always held...? Wouldn't that create a whole lot of unnecessary tension for them, and a whole lot of explaining for me to do?
That was when I decided to go ahead, stop being a coward, and do what I feel was the best thing for me and my friendship. If I continue doing what I am convinced is the best thing for me and my loved ones, nothing else should matter at any point in time.

Rains

2006-05-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

The past three evenings, the bangalore rains have been quite awesome. I have been drenched twice, and quite enjoyed it.
Yesterday I just stood outside on my balcony, feeling the strong gusts of wind spray water on my face. The rain enhances my senses quite nicely, and the aroma of wet earth and the cool breeze is enough to take away my blues and make me feel good, romantic, eager and hungry! :)
My fav thing while its raining is NOT to go outside and get drenched! I'd rather stand at the door/window watching the trees sway sensously, and the shadows of faraway lights glimmer on the wet roads, tempted to run out but resisting the invitation of the cool wind and water on my face, hair and chest. And then it puts in every wild thought possible in my mind...
A hot cuppa tea is great company while I enjoy the rain in solitude. And yes, when at home with mom, the family gorges on plenty of spicy pakoras.
Rains are bliss in more ways than one.

Meme

2006-05-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

The Instructions: Comment, and I shall give you a letter. Go back to your journal, and write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation of what those words means to you and why.

My ten words with "E", which I received from Mahesh.

1. Ecstatic: I guess this is one feeling I really lookout for, and desire of, anything. Happy, content, excited, joyous are all good. But nothing like ecstasy.

2. Everyone: One of the biggest lessons that I don't think I shall ever be able to learn is that you cannot make everyone happy.

3. Emotions: They govern me mostly, rather than me governing them. I did not know emotions could be so powerful and so extreme. I thought I was mostly emotionless in accordance with a very practical upbringing, but i was wrong.

4. Easy: This is something I desire. Although I may want to achieve loads at times and end up putting effort for it as well, I seriously think I would rather be happier to bending rules and principles to make it convenient and easy.

5. Evening: My time of the day. I like to spend them with friends and family and can get depressed if my weekend evening is not planned or a plan goes haywire.

6. Elegance: A trait I like. Thats because of being a Libra methinks. Elegant is my style. Style is important.

7. Europe: There is so much in europe that I'd like to see. Whatever I saw whetted my appetite no end.

8. Eat: This has to come. Good food is an integral part of my existence. Eating isn't just about survival for me. I have to have variety of cuisine, tastes/aroma from everywhere and of course, I love my Mom's super cooking.

9. Embrace: I think I like to embrace people and ideas, and make them a part of my own personality. This is how I think I have grown. I don't really think I have so much in me that I can call my own. Sometimes I think that is bad, but then thats me.

10. Espionage: Surprisingly, I think I might have been a great spy. I have a dark side lurking in there for sure, which cannot do without the thrill of adventure, cheating, lying and deceit, but all this when no one is hurt and there is a all-pervading sense of fairness. Batman is my fav superhero.

The checkup

2006-05-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

Today I met the most amazing doctor ever.

There was a free health checkup at our office and I went to get myself checked for the heck of it (basically coz it was free and i had a sore throat since times immemorial). I was telling the doctor about a previous problem when he started to discuss my sex life! I was frank and told him that I did have it, not too regularly but not too irregularly either. He simply looked on and asked... with females or...? After recovering from the initial shock of his frankness and a sudden spurt of curiousity, I told him about my interest in men.
Then he actually discussed things about safety, being very open and advising me a lot (most of the stuff I knew anyway) about myself and my partner, monogamity et al included. I was obviously curious and seeing the quite cute smile, I shot the question whether it was coming out of "personal experience". But he replied "No. Out of the multiple patients we see."
Well patients every doctor sees, but never ever has anyone been frank about this or taken an interest out of the routine. I felt really nice about his intention of helping out, taking a couple of minutes out of the physician's skin.

The sea

2006-05-03T04:34:00.000-07:00

In a sea so vast, so deep
you look for the ship that will take you home.
you search, you desire, you wish,
but the sea gets vaster,
as you begin to drown.
The sea is inside you.

Hangover

2006-04-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

Lines from a few songs going round and round in my head:

"Do you believe... in what you see... Everyone's saying different things to me"

"Everytime you throw him to the floor...
Why are you surprised... to see...
He's breakable"

"And so it is..
Just like you said it would be..
life is easy on me...
most of the time.

And so it is...
a shorter story..
No love no glory..
in her sky.

I can't take my eyes off you.
I can't take my mind off you."

Otherwise I can't think much right now. I am comfortably numb, and content in a weird sort of way.

Guest??

2006-04-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

umeedein bhi kee, intezaar bhi...
yaad mein ashk bhi bahaaye.

phir bhi mera ashiq, mere armaan...
khud ko mera mehmaan bataaye..

(
Held some expectations, and waited...
Cried a little remembering you.
But still my lover, my hopes...
call themselves a guest of mine.
)

What do I do?

2006-04-21T01:14:00.000-07:00

Tinke Samaetoon...
Ya Bikhar jaane doon.
......
Ye Lamha jee loon...
Yaa bas guzar jaane doon.

(Should I gather the straws...
Or let it disintegrate.
Should I live this moment...
Or just let it pass.)

Another one (not mine)

Come sit by my side if you love me...
Do not hasten to bid adieu.
Jus remember the red silver valley...
And the heart that loves you so true.

The love of convenience

2006-04-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

In my interactions with people over the last few months, I have noticed a particular trait in some settled-in-career/comfortable-with-themselves/available single guys which led me to wonder whether it is a trend or just a mistaken representation.
People are "looking for love". They get offended when questioned on their intentions on looking for just physical pleasure. They have a list of a thousand characteristics that they are looking for in the boyfriend-to-be, a mental picture framed in gold and hung for quite some time now, so much so that they aren't easily available to recognize it themselves. They treat each new guy that comes across nicely and everything, seemingly very careful and considerate not to hurt the other person by turning him down, all the while fulfilling their own need of momentary companionship i.e. a hand to hold and a head resting peacefully on their chests. Conveniently failing to realise that the other person is a mere unprepared human, not as mature as they are, the poor soul suddenly finds himself in love with all the friendly care showered by these benevolent creatures. They find an emotional anchor, and suddenly, much to their surprise, the anchor refuses to hold. Things are told to them - It was never meant to be, how could you think of us like that, there is no wavelength match, there wasn't anything physical between us anyway na... and so on.
Then these people just move on to another temporary companion to drink, throw party, watch tv, lay down (even share some "weak moments" with).... but mind you, all the time looking for that "love of their life"... spending the present with the love of convenience.

Music

2006-04-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

I associate a lot of memories with music, I guess many of us do. So if there is a song playing somewhere, it reminds of a particular time or mostly, a particular emotional state.
Lets see if I can list some of the music/songs that I associate with things-

"Kehna hee kya" from "Bombay" reminds me of my 10th board exams, feeling of being nervous and confined
"Humma Humma" from the same film reminds me of the absolute fun i had with friends the same year, my first feeling of partying solely with friends and a wild time.
Bryan Adams (particularly "Have you ever really") reminds me of driving through Switzerland, brings back all the visual delight.
Avril Lavigne always makes me feel rebellious and independent, reminds me of the U-rail travel to office in Vienna
Coldplay gets me brooding and questioning and depressed at times, but i still absolutely love it. Reminds me of being alone at night in my room last aug/sept.
"Dil Chahta hai" reminds me of my Rafting trip in 2002, nostalgia of being with friends and tired and content after a great round of rafting on the Ganges.
"Celine Dion - A new day has come" reminds me of being down with typhoid and feeling hopeful and really sick at the same time.
"Robbie Williams - Feel" and "Shakira - Underneath your clothes" remind me of my apartment in Vienna, summer afternoons spent alone, doing nothing much at all.
"Lio - Rapture" so reminds me of the FMS parties, the drunken stupor, the amazing highs and dancing and fun, in a sensual kind of way too.

Hmm...

In my head

2006-04-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

Party Nights...,
City of lights...,
Shining down over me...
Skyscrapers, stargazers... in my head.

Often I just lay there on my bed in the dark, staring at the city lights from my apartment, just wondering, alone, content... in a kind of daze.
Nothing in particular seems to be important.
And I get sad.

Ich bin ...

2006-03-28T12:19:00.000-08:00

What am I?
Confused - I don't know where I am going.
Scared - It seems to me I would be hated by more people than loved finally
Honest - I don't wanna keep things hidden under veils from anyone, but can I help it?
Selfish - who isn't?
Genuine - I mean it! :-)
Sensitive - Too much for my own good, I've been told
Lazy - Have to get myself to overcome this trait, i really do
Brooding - Get over it Rahul, think ahead, think positive. duh?

Loving - yes I am, am sure of that. But I expect so much in return, oh thats taken care in selfish and brooding above :-(
Funny - NO way!! Even a turned off TV set is funnier than I am

Us

2006-03-24T03:15:00.000-08:00

Another new occurence. Bro asked me for tips on going on a date! I could sense that the poor guy was blushing all over, as he asked me whether a "friend" should take flowers and what else, as it is a "serious date" date..lol. Of course, the facade couldn't last long and he shyly told me that the girl sits on his floor itself in office, and is "kinda weird but cool"... hahaha
I gave whatever tips I could, and that led him to ask how many dates had I been upto, acting too smart that I was. I told him countless, and that he shouldn't even get me started! And he left it there, sad creature that he is!
I was missing mom a lot yesterday night, so called today and told her so. She acts so cool nowadays, I was so pleasantly surprise when she said that we have to go wherever we have to, and that I will come stay with her when it is to be. I love my mom.

Forming beliefs

2006-03-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

I find myself changed. Quite. From June, July, the last 9 months or so. My beliefs have shaped and firmed up a bit, half-baked they might still be, but there is some crystallisation.
Although they are so much based on borrowed ideas, ingrained in sessions of listening to someone with awe and undivided attention and love, they are now so much my own, and so different from where the chain of thought originally began.
but I dont have a laundry list...
I believe now, that the ability to care and be there for a loved one, is greater than love itself. The love of Jack and Ennis was great and epic and tragic, but thats what it was... care of the loved one unavailable when perhaps most essential, only a never ending longing. The care and "being there" is more important, even if it is a brother, and not your lover caring for you.
I also believe that inherently, people never change, never. If who you love, tries to keep changing to make you feel better, then he shall no longer eventually remain the person you loved anyway. If you keep wanting someone to change something or the other, realise it is the situation that you want to change, or yourself.